Scarleteen

I'm a girl. My mom is devoutly Christian. We've gone to church since I was a baby. I never fully believed in Christianity and I definitely didn't agree with the church's views on sexuality and gender. A few years ago I realized that I really do not believe in Christianity or that God exists.

My relationship with my mom is good so I decided to tell her I may like girls even though I was scared. She said that it was fine and she wouldn't disown me because I thought she might've. Of course she still loves me, the thing is she's one of those Christians that loves everyone but still thinks that being queer or trans is a sin. She doesn't want me to be gay and so I think she believes I'm not really gay. I've only talked about guys with her. She's confused why I even think I like girls and what I like about them. My dad knows, he's progressive, but the thing is he is totally a horrible father and he only provides basic care as a parent, not emotional care. We're not close and I have no one to talk to about this. The closest person to me is my freaking homophobic mom. So yay. This is my last resort. Can anyone help me because this pain is unbearable. I just wish I had it easy but no my mom had to be Christian... it's so painful

Hello and welcome to the boards, Dumbash. I'm glad you are here.

What can I say? It is painful to feel so unseen and rejected by the person you are closest to, and someone you rely on. Her bigoted beliefs damage the trust you've built together for so long. I wish I could fix this grief for you, but I can only offer you what many queer people have done in the past: to trust that you will find family in people you choose--people who will choose you in return and understand you and see you for who you are.

If I may ask, what have things been like at home after you've told your mother? How has your father responded?

Devout religious belief too often goes along with homophobia and queerphobia, but it doesn't have to--there are plenty of Christians, for example, who are welcoming of queer people or queer themselves. I say this not to underestimate the pain of your mother's particular homophobia, but to clarify, and to suggest that your mother may come to understand that there does not have to be a conflict between her religion and her respect for you. (Such change might seem unlikely, but it has been known to happen.)

I'm also sorry to hear about your relationship with your father--you deserve parents who really engage with you emotionally.

If you have come to the conclusion that he is a totally horrible father, that means your relationship together has reached a point of crisis. Sometimes, people can care but be awful at showing it, or not be so good at adapting to the needs of a growing person as a parent. Do you think that could be the case for your father? Have you ever communicated to him that the way he is caring for you simply isn't meeting your needs? You shouldn't have to make a case for emotional care as a child, but I'm wondering if hearing it from you (if you feel up to it) might make the need for change very obvious to him.