I Know Sex isn't Everything, So Why Does it Feel Like Everything?

[Master_Classer]

I've found that I've put a lot of importance on sex. As in, it's become my only goal in life, which isn't good since having sex as your goal makes it harder to get it.

This causes me to think that every day I don't have sex, I've somehow failed, which would mean every day of my life is a failure.

I know that's a poor way of thinking, but it doesn't matter what I know logically, as that doesn't change my beliefs.

I feel very jealous and bitter sometimes when I watch porn or hear random strangers on the internet talk about sex they've had. I'm noticing how others have what I want. Of course I'm jealous. My feelings are my feelings and jealousy is a normal response to seeing other people have something I desperately want. That isn't the problem.

The problem is the shame. I think random strangers are better than me just because they've had any form of sexual experience and I haven't. If nothing else really matters to me, then it doesn't matter who they are as a person, what they do, or anything else. As long as someone has had a sexual experience, they're better than me by default.

Even I know sex isn't that good and is just one part of life, and I'm hyping it up too much. I know it won't make me happy or make me feel more fulfilled, but again, it doesn't matter what I logically think because it doesn't change my beliefs.

I feel that my life is pointless and empty without sex. I even have trouble deciding what kind of ice cream flavor I want, or whether I want ice cream at all. Since those decisions don't affect whether I have sex ultimately the decision doesn't matter to me, so I end up being really indecisive and asking myself "Why" all the time and the answer is usually "No reason because you're not going to having sex anyway."

One other thing I've noticed is that saying nothing else really matters (like I said earlier) isn't entirely true. Other things DO matter to me, like food, video games, or having clothes to wear. It's just that I've already achieved those things, so I don't really count them in my mind. I have a sneaking suspicion the same thing would happen with sex if I achieved it. Sex is like this magical McGuffin that I've put on a pedestal, and I can never take it off until I experience how mundane it actually is.

Most healthy people don't define their value or worth based on how much sex they've had. Life isn't a scoreboard, and there's no way to accurately describe a person's inherent worth through their actions or experiences. However, I feel that you can and should judge my worth based on those things, even if I recognize that this isn't how I would judge someone else.

So my question is: How can I change the belief that having less sexual experience makes me inferior to other people, when knowing logically that this belief is irrational hasn't changed how I actually feel? Because right now, I feel very inferior, especially considering the fact that I'm as far away from sex as I possibly can be.

[mikky]

Hey there,

From your last posts it sounds that therapy, at least right now, is not helping reconcile these beliefs about yourself with what it seems like you logically know to be true. This does sound like a question/issue, though, that is likely far beyond our scope (education). And I get it- there’s a lot of things I experience that I logically know are not true, and not aligned with my values whatsoever, like that my appearance does not make me a fundamentally worthless person; yet still every experience I have feels twisted and marred by that lens.

I guess- I am just not sure what to offer you. One thing would be looking at other user’s posts on the boards and seeing if the wide spectrum of types of people and their relationships with sex and sexual experiences feels at all helpful. Like, seeing that it is a part of people’s lives that is good or mundane or difficult or nonexistent….

Another thing we can offer is education on sex, cultural attitudes around sex, the history of sex and power and control, etc. We don’t earn or deserve to have sex with other people. We also can have a sexuality and journey around that without other people being involved at all.

Can you tell us what, if anything, within our scope we can help with?

Additionally, I’ve compiled some articles that I think could resonate with you, some on shifting deeply held beliefs about sex:

Man to Man: On Sex, Masculinity, and Being Yourself
Unpacking Cultural Myths and Biases About Women's Bodies & Sex
Will I be the only virgin in my circle of friends and family forever?
Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context
Deep down I think that sex is bad and wrong. What can I do??