Scarleteen

Hello--I have a crush on a beautiful, effeminate boy (I'm nonbinary transmasc and t4t, into femme people) and last night he wore boy clothes for the first time that i've seen in a few years, and i felt less physically attracted. What does this mean for the crush?

Hey there whyamigay! Glad to see you over here

Crushes are complex and often involve much more than just physical attraction. It’s totally normal to have a crush on someone and experience variable physical attraction to them while still having a crush on someone, because you can also experience emotional, intellectual, sexual, romantic, and sensual attraction to someone too. It also sounds like you’ve been more physically attracted to femme presentations, so it doesn’t strike me as entirely a surprising that a more masc presentation might strike you differently. Know what I mean?

I also want to say that it’s okay if your attraction develops and changes over time, that is totally normal. When we put ourselves into boxes early on in our sexual/romantic lives, we often miss out on discovering the nuances of our identities and that can keep us from experiencing all the love, attraction, and pleasure we can fully experience in our lives. What do you think about that?

More importantly, I want to ask how you’re making meaning of this. When you felt less physically attracted to him last night, did you still feel a crush on him? How do you feel today, do you feel attracted still or was last night’s presentation a turn-off for you?

I can't tell, that's why I'm asking about it here...but I definitely find him attractive in other ways.

Yeah, I can appreciate the confusion! It sounds like you’re discovering that you have a nuanced attraction to him, which is frankly really normal and happens in any relationship. It’s really rare (maybe even impossible) to experience every form of attraction to someone all the time. People aren’t static, they change all the time! So it makes sense that our attraction to ever-changing people may also be ever-changing. What are the ways you *do* find him attractive currently?

Ultimately, you’re the expert on yourself and your feelings, so nobody but you will be able to tell if you have a crush on someone. But, we can certainly keep talking through how you feel so you can hopefully have some clarity with your feelings.