Never been very happy with myself

[Seraph]

Apologies if this doesnt fit this board but there is something thats has been bothering me for a while.

I have never been quite happy with how I look. Ive always had the impression that I am incredibly ugly and ive always hated looking at my own reflection. Ive also always been very unhappy with having body hair. I never liked my facial hair and having leg and arm hair just always bothered me.

Another thing I dislike is what I wear. This is a bit different because it is obviously not an innate part of me but ive never really liked how I dress, but ive also never been a big fan of men's fashion in general (to be fair I lack the confidence to try anything that isnt a simple plain t shirt and normal pants)

If possible, is there any advice for somebody like me who has never been happy with how they look or dress?

[char]

Hi Seraph. We can discuss this in the boards just fine; after all, how we feel about ourselves (including how we look) is also a part of our sexuality, as you can read here: Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?. We'll let you know if we can't answer certain questions!

When you mentioned you've always felt that you were "ugly," do you think you're able to pinpoint what makes you think so? Have you also heard/seen people discussing the physical traits you have as "undesirable"? The same goes to the way you dress: what makes you dislike your own style? What kind of clothing style do you gravitate towards?

For people raised and socialized as boys, there can be a lot of expectations surrounding how they should present themselves. Sadly, due to misogyny and queerphobia, these expectations can be especially limiting. In many communities, boys and men aren't allowed to look "effeminate," and that often means putting more attention to what they're wearing. Would you say this mindset is common where you are in the US? If so, do you think it's affected how you think you should dress?

With these questions in mind, perhaps we can discuss how you can feel more confident with yourself. It's okay to not feel entirely positive about ourselves all the time, but the least we can do is to take care of it in the ways we can, you know?

[Seraph]

Thanks for responding!!

I can never really pinpoint what about me makes me feel so undesirable all the time I have just always had the feeling that I look "Off" or wrong and it never really goes away. My usual outfits are mostly just plain colored t-shirts and pants (sometimes a graphic tee if I feel like it). I never really wear shorts because of how much I dislike my leg hair. To be honest, I don't really know what I would like to dress like more so I just want to dress in something that is not boring and plain but I fear that I will just end up looking worse if I try something new. I've always been somewhat jealous of clothes made for women tbh I just feel like they are more expressive.

I don't live in a SUPER conservative place however I have a feeling that if I were to dress in a way that isn't in line with expectations for men I would have been bullied at school, if that makes sense. My family is fairly progressive so I doubt that I would have gotten a mindset like you susgested from my homelife.

[Heather]

Hey there Seraph.

You know, I think starting with exploring how you dress is a good idea, because we don't *have* to dress the way we want to with anyone, or in any situation or place, where we aren't comfortable. We can start out just dressing for ourselves, by ourselves, and that, all by itself, can often do a lot. It's a safe space for us to explore how we feel in certain clothes, just in our own skin, and a chance to get to see ourselves in different ways. Depending on your income, that might be something easier to access by going somewhere like a department store or thrift store with dressing rooms and mirrors. How does that sound as a place to start?

I don't hear that there's anything wrong with how you dress, for the record. If it helps, I dress a lot like you're describing in my daily life, I'm a jeans or work pants and t-shirt or pullover kind of guy. But I'm comfortable like that: if you're not, then maybe it's not right for you and you would feel better either adding some things, to see how that feels, or changing up the cut of your clothes, or trying new things altogether. I just always do want to make a vote that there is no right way to dress: save the basics of needing to be dressed for the weather or certain activities, and the limitations of our access to clothing of various kinds, dressing is about self-expression, which means we really can't do it in a wrong way in any universal way, you know? It's just more about how we feel in our clothes by ourselves and out and about in the world.

[Seraph]

Thank you for the advice. To be honest, I don't really know what style of clothing I would like to wear. While I don't hate how I dress now I just want to be confident wearing something more expressive or pretty looking. I can deffinetly check out a nearby thrift store or some other clothing store and see if anything jumps out at me.

I was wondering if you have any advice for me when it comes to feeling uncomfortable with how I look. Like I said I can't really pinpoint what it is about me that I dislike. I was wondering if you have any tips on how to feel more comfortable and confident with the way I look.

[amber]

Hi Seraph!

Glad to hear that you are willing to explore with your clothing. I do think that everyone suggested that here because it may be helpful in those negative feelings you have surrounding your appearance. Clothing is a much easier place to start but it is not the only thing we can change/style. For example, how do you feel about your haircut? Hair is something that can have a huge impact on how we look and our confidence. You also mentioned body hair but seem to skip over the obvious of trying hair trimming or removal. It is very common for people to trim all areas of hair on their body and something that may make you feel good.

I do wanna say that making changes in these ways still may not help because the issue is not as much about how you look but your confidence. Even people who you may see and think are extremely attractive, have negative thoughts about the way they look.

To work on self confidence, people do a variety of different things. I am a 'fake-it till you make-it' person. What I mean is I only talk about my body/face/etc positively (even if it is a lie to how I'm feeling). This has helped me not really care how I look and could be helpful to you. I know not everyone likes that approach, there is another popular idea of just appreciating your body outside the aesthetic. Love your body for all it lets you do throughout the day basically!

I would be happy to talk more about either of those 'techniques' if you'd like. Even though they may sound a bit silly I think giving them an honest try could be helpful.

[Seraph]

I like to grow my hair out long, or at least longer than what the average man does (I like to let it flow down to my shoulders and sometimes even longer). However, my parents usually comment on how my hair looks messy and unprofessional because I grow it out so long. They usually pressure me into getting a hair cut to shorten it but I really dont like my hair being short (like above my ears).

[Andy]

Hi Seraph,

I am sorry your parents have made such comments about your hair. Have you talked with them about how it makes you feel? And there really is nothing unprofessional about long hair and you will certainly find many men with it in pretty much any occupation.

A nice thing about long hair is the many styling options it can provide, have you for example tried tying your hair or braiding it? Experimenting with and finding what feels good to you when it comes to haircuts or clothes is a very powerful tool for changing how you view yourself.

As for that has the advice amber gave you been helpful or would you like to talk more about possible approaches?

[Seraph]

I havent tried talking with my parents about how their comments on my hair make me feel because im worried that they wont listen or will just double down.

As for Amber's advice I am very grateful for it however I have not had time to really experiment with my clothing more. I do want to try to do that some time soon

[Latha]

Hi Seraph,

Oh, do your parents usually respond to simple requests like this by doubling down on their position? I'm sorry to hear that, if so. Depending on your relationship with them, it may be possible to maneuver such a conversation into -agree to disagree- territory if they are not so interested in expanding their ideas about gender and professionalism. Do you think that could work for you?

Take your time to experiment with clothes! If you'd like to share, we'd be happy to hear about how it goes.