Scarleteen

Hi everyone,

I feel like this is a very me-coded problem:
I’ve made a new friend. They’re cool and dress well and they’re funny and smart and kind and respectful and I want to be friends with them for a long time and get to know them better. Every time I’ve met someone like that before, who I’ve felt feelings like that about, I’ve gotten a romantic crush on them, sometimes immediately, sometimes years later. I don’t have a crush on them (and don’t think I will get one), and that makes me nervous.

I think it makes me nervous because, up until now, the group of “people who I like as best friends and who I can trust” and “people I want or will want to kiss” have been the same. That is to say, if someone was the kind of person who would be a best friend, they were also the kind of person I would get a crush on. But now I’ve met this new person, who is a best friend, but who I haven’t gotten a crush on. I both get nervous because this is a new situation (yes, really, I have never had a best friend I didn’t get a crush on, lol), and because I’m worried that I’m subconsciously trying to tell myself I can’t trust him, even though I consciously feel I can.

If anyone has some ideas on how to think through this feelings, that would be very helpful. I really like them and I’m worried I’m gonna get distracted from the goodness of the friendship by this.

AQ

PS: For clarity, every time I refer to a ‘crush’ in this post, I mean a romantic crush.

Hi there, AQ

I'm tempted to say that most likely, your feelings are what they are: if you feel like you trust him and you don't have a crush on him, that is exactly what is happening. You don't need to examine your feelings for something that isn't there. Should you start having reasons to not trust this person, those feelings will become evident too, and you won't have to look for them.

I understand putting these worries aside is easier said than done. In my experience, the difficult part is usually that such things respond to time and experience more than reason. You might just need to wait, being kind to yourself when you set aside your fears to intentionally focus on the goodness of your friendship as it is. (I wish I could suggest a better solution.)