Scarleteen

(Please take caution when reading this if this kind of topic triggers you - childhood related)

Hello, I've been ignoring this part of my life for years, but it has recently resurfaced and is affecting my life, so I am just going to get this over with. When I was 9-10 years old, my sister (4 years older than me) would "teach" me about sex and play "games" with me on the subject. The thing is that we were never unclothed during any of this, but we did go through the motions. The only things I knew about sex were what she told me and taught me. She would have me play the part of the girl and she would be the boy so that she could be the leader or dominant one I suppose. We would only do this if our parents weren't home and she was babysitting me. Sometimes, we would pretend to be animals like horses or wolves and do it too. She would tell me what sounds to make and how to act.
But she was never forceful or mean about it and I enjoyed it physically and I kept agreeing to it so I must have not hated it, right? I remember even initiating it once or twice. This went on most weeks for a year or so. Eventually, she decided it was weird and stopped. I hold a lot of shame on this subject and have been afraid and uncomfortable around anything remotely sexual (even just reproduction lessons at school) since. The worst part is that she has asked me to play the game and asked me if I regretted it just in the past couple of years now. Does that mean she thinks that was ok to do? Does she look at me and that is the first thing that comes to her mind? Does this not eat at her like it does me?

Thank you for your time,
-b

Hi b, and welcome to the boards!

I wanted to start by saying I am sorry you are experiencing a lot of shame around sex and sexuality. I think it would be most helpful for you to start by reading this article written by our director on sexual abuse -- COCSA: What It Is, How To Know if It’s Got Anything To Do With You, and What To Do If It Does

The article touches on childhood exploration which is so natural and common in all ways including with sexuality. Kids play in large part to make sense of the world around them which is why it is common to play 'house' or imitate the adults around us.

Sometimes, when we get caught up in labeling we do ourselves a disservice for working through things like sexual shame. Do you feel I'd be helpful to label these experiences?

It sounds like guilt is sitting heavy in your mind regarding sex. Do you think the guilt would be gone if you had similar experiences in childhood alone or with a friend? Have you interacted with positive sex education growing up at all? What ideas about sex were around you growing up and now? When we think about these sorts of things we may be able to see the root of the shame and help you move through that guilt.

How does all of that sound?