Scarleteen

Hello,

I had oral sex with my girlfriend for the first time earlier in October of this year. I had never been intimate with anyone before, I was not on any substances and never have been, and we were both fully consenting adults (both 19). I have always been grossed out by sex and romance, but can sometimes tolerate it, and even want it (I am on the aroace spectrum).

I would also like to preface this by saying that I have been sexually assaulted in my past as a child, at least once that I can remember.

I genuinely enjoyed having sex with my girlfriend; however, during and afterwards, I felt a numbness and a chill in my core, like I was a husk of a person walking around. It came and went for about a week or so before finally going away. The feeling only came when I was thinking back to the event.

I have had oral sex with her once since then, and I was perfectly fine. So, I really do not understand why I felt that way the first time.

I am worried that a part of my brain thought that I was being sexually assaulted again and just decided to shut off for a bit. I know my girlfriend would never do that to me and that I was fully consenting and actively wanted to have sex with her.

I do not think this is just postcoital dysphoria. I believe this is some form of trauma, or something, but I want to make sure and get a second opinion, as I have no one else to talk to besides the internet.

Sorry if this does not make sense, or if I did not add enough details.

Hey KD,
First off, welcome to the boards- I am glad you are here but sorry that this really difficult feeling is what has brought you in.

I don’t think we (Scarleteen) can or should really say “what” this experience of feeling numb and cold and husk-like is, whether it be trauma or dysphoria. What I can say is that it sex, no matter how wanted and safe and good it is, is really vulnerable. And if your usual feelings around sex are that it is something that can be tolerable, and if this was your first wanted and consensual experience, gosh- that sounds like it could be a lot. That type of vulnerability and just much-ness can dredge up feelings of emptiness, fear, shame, etc. Just as someone might have a sexual experience and then feel totally elated and in a great mood for days, others of us can have the opposite experience.

Is this something you talked to at all with your girlfriend, or that you could? I wonder if you do this again, if there are some ways you could add some warmth and immediate safety or security afterward, like making sure you have times in the days following you can meet up and cuddle, if your girlfriend could check in with a phone call or write you some notes, make sure in the moments just after sexual activities that you are being cared for and physically warm and comfortable– all ways to help remind your brain that you aren’t unsafe.