Scarleteen

Hello -

I’m 20 and I turn 21 in less than two months. I’ve never had any kind of partnered sex before, but I really want to. It’s just that it doesn’t seem very achievable. I don’t like dating apps and I’m doing a lot so it’s hard to seek out people in person too.

My lack of sexual experience isn’t from lack of want. I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out myself and it took me a long time to even feel comfortable pursuing a relationship with someone without feeling shame. This is heavily influenced by my autism and ADHD.

But I’m in really good emotional place now, and I really want to have sex with someone. I just feel like there’s not much I can do to pursue my desires. Except for masturbating, which I do very often and enjoy very much.

And all this just makes feel very dejected. Not because I feel ashamed of being a 20 (almost 21) year old virgin (I’ve let go of this idea, I don’t care how society wants to frame me) but just because I feel like I have no outlet to have the experiences I really deeply want to have.

I know that I deserve pleasure and intimacy just as much as anyone, and I want it just as much as anyone. I just wish it was easier to obtain.

Any advice either on how to easier obtain what I’m looking for, or on how I can ease my mind while I’m waiting for it would be much appreciated. Thank you

Hi Eli_314 !

I totally hear you and can relate to that feeling of wanting and feeling ready for partnered sex without much direction in how to actually pursue it. What I am glad to hear is that you are feeling in a better emotional place! Working through personal challenges are a great way to start a dating/sex journey.

What sort of social activities do you participate in now? Oftentimes the best way to date/have sex is to put yourself out there to meet with and connect with all people. By this I mean open yourself up to acquaintances, friends, as well as potential partners.

A good starting point could be to look for social events in/around your community. Maybe that looks like a bookclub, craft class, or board-game group. Does any of that sound doable?

I’m part of a college sports club, and for various reasons I’m definitely not trying to date or have sex with anyone on my team.

It’s a big commitment, but I do have a little free time I could use to attend other Social events. I’ve gone out and tried to put myself out there before but nothing has worked out.

It feels so impossible and I don’t know what to do. And I’m not just someone who thinks every girl is cute or attractive and I just wish I was more able to meet more people that could actually potentially be my partner.

Hi again, Eli.

I think one of the tricky things about what you want right now is that you're in an age group where, in this era, it's common for other people around your age to just not be there yet when it comes to sex. In other words, you're not late to this, which I think is probably part of the issue you're having trying to find partners. A lot of young people right now are simply only just starting to think about being sexual with partners in their 20s: it's something we see every day here at Scarleteen. If I had a dime for every 25-year-old who told us they were behind when it came to sexual partnership I would be a very rich guy, indeed.

I'll also add that I think it's trickier to do this -- again, especially at this time of life -- when you're coming at it looking to be sexual with someone, rather than by meeting people are discovering that, over time, some of the people you meet are people you share sexual attraction with where you both want to be sexual together, if you catch my drift. When sexual partnership is new to people, especially new to the point that it's something they've yet to experience at all, I think it's fair to say that most people will feel most open to that, and safe with it, only after they have built some real trust and comfort with a potential partner. I think it's fair to say that your generation, in particular, is a lot more comfortable with sex in the context of an ongoing relationship than with sex in more casual situations. I also feel like, like you're describing about yourself, young people of this generation seem to have a much narrower scope in terms of people they're attracted to than people of my generation, for example, and that will obviously be something that makes finding people where there is mutual attraction a lot more difficult.

I know that none of that may make this feel like it's more possible, but that's not why I shared what I did: I shared what I did to give you some context that I hope will make waiting on the opportunities you want to have easier.

I also hear you saying nothing has worked out, but if I have this right, a lot of time hasn't passed yet, right? As in, when you say you have gone to social events and put yourself out there in this way we are talking more about months than about years and years, yes? If so, I'm afraid I also need to tell you that in my experience, across every generation, it will simply often be the case that, when we're single people, we have dry spells in partnership that can last for many months to years. (Heck, even some people in sexual relationships will have dry spells for months at a time.) So, it may also be that you need to adjust your expectations here and understand that for a lot of people -- if not most people when no one is settling -- finding partners can take a lot longer than people think it takes.

Do you think you have it in you to just keep trying to put yourself out there in the ways you feel comfortable with in an ongoing way?

Yeah, I think I have it in me. I guess I just feel upset that I can’t get what I want very easily. I’ve been thinking more specifically about sex recently, but also, I’m not just looking for sex. I am looking for a deep, meaningful relationship with someone.

I was just thinking about causal sex for a little bit because I thought maybe it I would at least get to pursue some of my desires more easily, but it turns out it’s not much easier for me that way either.

I’m also a little confused on what you’re saying. It sounds like you’re saying that I’m not as late to having/thinking about sex as I think I am and also that I’m narrowing my scope my seeking people to be sexual with as oppose to just trying to build connections with folks and seeing where they go. Is that right?

And yeah, it hasn’t been that long. About 2 years, but I’ve only gone to a limited number of social events within that time, so I think that’s definitely part of it. But I guess all I can do is just make more of an effort to put myself in the position to meet new people and build more connections.

In general, it’s just hard hearing from acquaintances who have partners and it just makes me feel so alone, even though it’s not actually that way. I’ve never had a relationship before, but I know I’m capable of finding someone. It’s just hard to believe that sometimes because it hasn’t happened yet. You know?

You are exactly right in both your understand that you are among a majority of 20 year olds who are not having sex and also that seeking out connections with intention is a much better route.

I do hear you on how hard it could be when you are surrounded by couples. I bet meeting new people would also allow you to make new friends with more single people, which may be a more positive environment!

You know we have so many folks who come onto the boards to share thoughts very similar to yours. I think you'd benefit from reading through them to feel less alone.

Thank you, I’ll take a look at those other messages!

You know, Eli, I've thought before about what it would be like if 20-year-old me was put into the current climate when it comes to sex and intimacy, and I am pretty sure I'd have been feeling a lot like you are, if not considerably worse. It's just freaking rough out there right now for so many people who want these kinds of connection, in so many ways.

Mind, sex or intimate connection as something easy to come by has almost never been a thing for most people, certainly not mutually satisfying sex or real connection. I think we can safely say that most of the time, connecting with people sexually -- when it's truly wanted by everyone and fully consensual -- and/or emotionally tends to be something where sparing the occasional amazing stroke of luck, we will often be waiting what feels like long times or need time to really build and develop those kinds of connections. I think it's also worth noting that many people you see or hear about together in those ways aren't as happy or satisfied as they might look on the outside, or as one person in those pairs might describe it. If you look around our boards you'll see a lot of what I'm talking about. Alas, even when we find and establish those connections, a lot of the time at least some of them will be anything from lackluster or just not it to outright bad. When we're young, in particular, so many of those connections or relationships are more us learning as we all go rather than being what we're hoping or looking for.

If it helps to know, even as someone who was alive and engaging in sex with a lot of casual partners during an era when it was easier to come by than I think it is now (and look, queerness always helped with that, too), I think it's important to realize that that came -- and still comes -- with its own issues. For instance, it doesn't always feel good, or feel right for everyone, to be sexual and then part ways without contact, or to get sexual without building at least some trust and communication first. That's not to say casual sex can't also be a good thing, because it absolutely can, but I think seeing it as universally easier is not seeing it clearly, you know?

My sense of you, Eli, is that you are going to be a wonderful partner for whoever your partners turn out to be, in every respect. I know that the longer you wait for those kinds of connections the harder it can be to believe it'll happen for you, but I personally feel very confident it will, and that you have a lot to offer. <3