Scarleteen

i’m 17 years old and sexual thoughts have always taken up a good amount of space in my life — starting with cocsa, to being groomed online, then to watching porn starting at the age of around 11 or so.

the thing is, i feel super ashamed at how “behind” i am when it comes to sexual interactions. i’ve been in 1 relationship in my entire life, but nothing sexual ever happened during that, and i’ve only just learnt how to/started to masturbate, which has only caused sex to fill even more in my every day life.

a majority of my friends have tried either having sex or just being fingered, and i just feel jealous about it. just knowing that i’ve never really been anyone’s crush or that nobody has ever really had interest in me has genuinely just dragged me down and made me feel super insecure, since it just feels like i’m unlovable or undesirable.

i can’t help but feel weird for feeling how i feel — being jealous of my friends or stranger’s relationships, thinking about sex every single day and frequently masturbating, and some times even going as far as assuming if people around me are virgins or not.
it sucks so so bad that i can’t just think of something else and just let it happen when it happens, but i’ve always had a hard time just putting feelings and thoughts behind me, and specifically these make me feel guilty at times.

Hi gambitcity, and welcome to the boards

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been worried about sexual thoughts and about your own sexual experience compared to some peers. There’s a few different thoughts I have, so I’ll section them out:

1. Do you feel like your sexual thoughts are getting in the way of your life, like homework or chores or social interactions? From what you’re describing, your sexual thoughts and masturbation frequency is very normal, though if it’s bothersome to you we can certainly talk about it.

2. When you mention cocsa, do you mean you experienced it as a survivor? We do have a resource on child-on-child sexual assault, which might help if you’re in need of more info: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/c ... if-it-does

3. I’m so sorry to hear you were groomed online. You don’t deserve that, nobody does. Can I ask, are you currently safe? Does this person still have access to your contact online?