Scarleteen

I have recently begun questioning my sexuality. I am 22, have previously dated a guy for a year and a half, and now am dating a guy for 3 months. This past guy just moved from New York to be with me, and I previously thought that I wanted to get married to him and he was the one before I all of the sudden panicked when we were talking about moving in together. We live apart now, but I still get anxiety all the time. Although I have fun fooling around with the boys I was dating, I have never come. I recently was attracted to a female, and now I'm starting to wonder if I have never come because I am attracted to girls. I am very confused, and I'm not sure who to talk to or what to do. I want to stay with the guy I am dating, but I am having trouble being ok with myself either way at the moment.

There's really no way of us or you, as of now, knowing if trouble with orgasm with your partners so far is about their gender, and if their gender were different, that would be different. It's possible, but unless you have felt like their gender was an impediment to your arousal (sexual excitement), it's pretty unlikely. If you got excited by them, then that probably isn't about gender or orientation.

Monogamy isn't the only way to have relationships, so if you are feeling like dating women is something you want to explore now, then you do have the option of talking about opening up your relationship with your current partner. I'd suggest that orientation or not, three months is pretty quick to go to thinking about lifelong partnership, and it sounds like you're having second thoughts all around anyway, so perhaps it's time for some big talks regardless?

I'd say trying to evaluate your orientation right now -- and not doing so based mostly on feelings about and experiences with women, but conflicted or dissatisfying experiences or feelings with a few men, which ultimately tells you zip about how you feel about women -- is probably not the best timing. It just sounds to me like you have bigger, more immediate things to deal with right now: an existing relationship that's moved mighty fast and that you're having doubts about. Personally, I'd suggest investing your energy in dealing with that first, since how you feel about that is most likely all about that relationship and the two of you rather than being about gender or about attraction you may have to others, you know?

And remember, you don't have to be attracted to one or the other! You can be attracted to guys AND girls, or neither guys NOR girls, and if you're attracted to both, you don't have to be attracted to each gender equally. Anything you end up deciding about your sexuality is perfectly okay, and ultimately only you put limits on who you want to date or have sex with.

From what you've said, I'd guess that you were bisexual. Just because you've never came while with a guy, doesn't mean your not attracted to them. You'd KNOW if you weren't attracted to them! Explore your sexuality! You don't need to settle down if it doesn't feel right.