Weird interests stressing me out

[Wisteria]

Hi I feel bad for coming back to this website after so long, but I need to get something off my chest.

I've mentioned in previous posts how I have weird kinks, and how I had no outlet for them. I do now, it's reading my own writing while masturbating. But it has to be VERY specific scenarios, characters, etc and they get so absurd that I'm 100% sure nobody would be able to read what I wrote with a straight face, even those who are into the same kinks as me. I can't even read my own stuff when I'm not in the mood because I can't stand to think about how insane the things I'm into are. It's gotten progressively worse, and now I can't feel anything to things I used to enjoy just because the scenarios have gotten more "out there". I believe I orgasmed for the first time after my previous posts, but it's only been to my strange kinks (I say kinks plural, but it's really only one thing). I can't even get properly in the mood without it.

The previous times I've had sex were worthless and I barely felt anything, this was before I orgasmed for the first time. With my partner before my current one, after I learned what I like and how to orgasm, we tried having phone sex and failed every time. I felt nothing while he dirty talked me. Even after I told him my kinks and he started dirty talking about them through call, all I could do was feel slightly aroused but I didn't even get close to orgasming. I realized it literally HAD to be the weirdly specific scenarios and characters in my writing. I don't even know if I could feel anything if I had sex again, just like the previous times where I barely felt anything at all.

I've been trying to "train" myself to have a "normal" sexuality for a long time, years and years now. I'm asexual and have sadly accepted I'll never feel attraction to real people, but I at least want to feel things to fictional scenarios that are more normal than my usual stuff. I want to be somewhat normal. I can minorly feel things when reading about normal sex like rubbing and humping, but nowhere near enough to perform. I can only describe it as being bored. I have a partner now and I'm worried I'll never be able to have sex with them because of this.

Sorry if I overshared or was confusing. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this, I appreciate it I will likely make a post about something different after this one as well, though I feel bad making so many posts on here.

[Anya]

Hey Wisteria,

Please don't feel bad for coming back! We're happy to have you.

Correct me if i'm wrong, but it seems like your main fears here is not being able to engage in sexual intimacy with your partner because of feeling limited by your fantasies, and also feeling insecure about them in general, and wanting to feel "normal."

Now, since you've been here before I think you might already know what I'm gonna say, and that is, this actually IS normal. There were a few doctors/parents/religious followers a long time ago who got to create and broadly perpetuate the idea that anything but fantasizing about your opposite sex spouse was considered "sinful," "weird," and "not normal." In reality though, when we strip the political, religious, and discriminatory culture of the past away from our arguments about what actually is "normal," we begin to realize that the norm is totally subjective, and we can actually choose what we prioritize. Here at Scarleteen, we prioritize health, safety, inclusion, and unapologetic selfhood. Fantasies that don't follow the culturally constructed "norm" do not universally violate those priorities, so to us, they actually can be quite normal---or more accurately---common and rational. So I think first step here, is to try your very best to think critically about what you want "normal" to mean to you.

You're also definitely not alone in feeling like this. I'm sure if you took a scroll through the boards you'd see dozens of other users who struggle with taboo, "weird" or what they think are uncommon fantasies. As frustrating as it can be when we feel limited by any preference or desire in our lives, there are undoubtably other people who share similar fears, meaning, it is more than possible to find people who want what you want, are open to sharing their own vulnerabilities, and can help you have the kind of intimacy you actually, deeply, do want for yourself (assuming you do in fact want that).

I also want to highlight one last thing that I feel could be contributing to your situation in a possibly unhelpful way. The idea that orgasm is inherently a goal to be achieved. Orgasm is a bodily function that many find pleasurable. It is not a race or competition, and doesn't have to be a life-altering or regular experience in your life if you don't want it to be. The experience of and desire for orgasm is unique to each person, and just like fantasy, is not one-size-fits-all. Treating orgasm like an achievement to strive for can actually create a lot of unnecessary mental stress or anxiety, making it coincidentally even harder to feel relaxed enough for sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure and orgasm are not generally conducive to intense feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety, but so often that can be what's top of mind when it's treated like a goal. So I would also say it could be a good step to also consider how you think about orgasm and decide if shifting your mental framework about it, and talking with your partner about it too, could help alleviate some of these feelings. Does that sound like something you could do?