Fictional character that is affecting my irl relationship

[sleepyapple12]

I have been stuck in a limbo for some time now and I don't really know what to do with this feeling.

As we all know that having fictional crushes is totally normal and I have been having them since forever. It's a fun and safe way to explore your attractions with whatever character that you prefer. This, I guess, hobby have never affected my real relationship before and the fictional characters that I would have crushes on would change every few months, jumping through different fandoms and reading fanfiction of a character that would attract me that month. But, of course it changed when I jumped in a fandom and found a new character to hyperfixate on with no idea that it would affect me deeply as it has now.
The character that I am stuck on right now has been my longest fixation among my other usual fictional characters that I had before, usually it would last around 3 to 4 months max then I would jump on a different one. This character that I am fixated on has been going on for a year and it is still ongoing.

What is deeply concerning to me is that it has been affecting my feelings that I have towards my bf of 4 years. I am aware that I am having these feelings because I am not fulfilled in my current relationship, but it didn't start that way of course. We practically grew up together, went through the normal ups and downs of a relationship and overall this relationship that I have with him is comfortable and healthy. So, I can't help but to feel guilty about the change in attraction that I feel now, the character that I am stuck on right now is the absolute polar opposite of my bf. The character is rugged, dominant, fierce, protective but also sweet and gentle. While my bf is also sweet and gentle but he lacks the, I guess rugged dominant look that I am attracted to now. I would describe my bf as cute soft puppy and the character is a huge german shepherd, if that makes sense haha.

For a while now, this character has, as dramatic as it sounds, has consumed my whole being. It made me realise that my attractions for a partner totally took a 360 change, I feel deeply guilty whenever I am with my bf, wishing he would be like the fictional character instead. The guilt deepens when I realise that it has been affecting my sexual attraction towards my bf too, this is an extreme tmi info but like whenever my bf would ask me if I think about him when I'm alone, I would lie and say that I was but instead was thinking about the fictional character for the longest time. For clarification, I am aware that the character is not real and will never be but I can't help hoping that somewhere someone out there has the same demeanor, accent and personality that the fictional character has. The fictional character has ticked a lot of boxes that I like in a man but because of the relationship that I am in, it created a different problem.

So, I am in this deep dilemma of what I should do with this feeling, should I be completely honest with my bf and not beat around the bush with this topic? Or should I keep it to myself and stop indulging in any media surrounding the character or should I seek professional advice from a therapist? Sorry for this extremely long post, if you read it until the end, thank you.

[Heather]

Hi there, sleepyapple. I'm sorry that you're having such a long time with this.

I think some of what's happened here is that fiction and reality have gotten jumbled up for you. As you're describing, you've gotten to the point where you have created ideals for real, live people that no one is ever likely to be able to match up, because those ideals are based on fictional characters. By all means, some of the qualities you're describing can or sure appear in living people -- being "rugged, dominant, fierce, protective but also sweet and gentle" -- but. Well, two buts.

1) But: even if you find someone with these same qualities, it's very likely that a person with these qualities will still not inhabit them the way a fictional character does.
2) But: I'm not so sure that trying to sort out what you like in people through fictional characters will work out the way you expect: it may well be that how you feel about a fictional character with these qualities will be the same way you feel about a 3-dimensional person with them, or in how some of those qualities appear in your relationship with them. A one-sided relationship with fiction is a very different thing than a mutual, real relationship with an actual person.

I think it's hard to say how much your changing feelings about your boyfriend have to do with this, from where I'm sitting. You're at an age and time of life where it's pretty common to be outgrowing relationships from childhood or your teens, so the kinds of changes you are having in how you are feeling could well be things you'd be feeling even without the parasocial situation. That said, it certainly sounds like your fixation on this character is both making it really hard to assess how you feel about your real partner and your real relationship, and also has just gotten to a point where it doesn't sound like it's healthy for you. This much focus and centering of fiction in this way, to the point where you describe it as having consumed your whole being, is not an expression of a healthy emotional place.

Is therapy something within reach for you? If it is, then by all means, I think that having a therapist, especially a talk therapist, would most likely be very helpful. Having a person you feel you can talk with honestly about all this, and who is qualified to give you good feedback as well as help changing your habits and thought patterns could be great for you. Even if you were just posting about trying to make decisions about your relationship, a therapist could be very helpful: helping us get unstuck with things is one of the big things therapists can often offer us.

I do also think that it sounds like you'd benefit by trying to cut yourself from this fictional fixation. Separate from your romantic relationship, if and when anything feels like it's consumed us whole, that probably means we're also missing a lot of life. I wonder, if you could pull yourself away from this, if, for example, you'd have more time to hang out with your friends and nurture your friendships: friends could also be people you can talk with about your questions about your attraction to and relationship with your boyfriend. Getting away from this could help you get a better sense of what you're looking for in intimate relationships and who you want in a partner that are based more in reality than in fantasy. You'd likely also have more time to have honest and two-way conversations with your boyfriend about your relationship if it is something you want to look towards continuing in some way, even if that way is as platonic friends.

What about other passions or dreams: how much time has been going to those? It might help to think about things like relationships with actual people, and spending time on things that are part of our bigger hopes and dreams in life as a nutritious meal, while these kinds of parasocial relationships are more like bingeing on a whole box of cookies. The former are things that are good for you: this isn't.

What would it look like for you to unplug yourself from fiction for at least a few weeks and see how you feel, in general, and about this relationship?

[sleepyapple12]

Hello Heather! Thank you so much for the reply!

I totally agree on your 2 "But" points, it is true. Even though if I find someone that could inhabit these qualities that I am attracted to in a person, it doesn't guarantee that they will be the exact same as the fictional character that I am hooked on, and for the second point on how it may not be as I expected it to be with a real person who has this qualities, because of course, fiction and reality doesn't coexist. I guess the hope that I feel was build because of how human the fictional character is? Ugh, but I get it tho.

Also, yes, therapy is within react because I have been in therapy before and I already have a therapist that I like to talk to, BUT I have stopped for quite sometime now and the only way that I could talk to her is by telling my mom that I might want to jump back in again. Which I believe would make her bombared me with questions and pushing me into telling her what is going on so she could help me instead. I understand the worry and all but this whole topic is extremely embarrasing and personal for me and I know she would judge me for it. Knowing how my mother is she would want to know what's up.

To be clear, the whole "consume my whole being" part was actually dramatic . I can confidently say that I am not missing a big chunk of my life because I am doing my Bachelor’s Degree now and going to uni, making friends and stuff like that. Also, because of that it automatically made me shut off from consuming any media of that character because of assingments, group projects and tests, so I don't really have a problem in that way. The only time that I get to really jump in is before I sleep which is when I would scroll on TikTok or go on Tumblr for 1 to 2 hours max. There are also times where I don't even have time to scroll for weeks which is fine for me. I can say that I am able to pull myself away but I could also fall back to it easily, which create this limbo that I have been feeling for awhile.

[Heather]

You're welcome.

While I'm never super psyched about hyperbole, because, as you can see, it makes it much harder for us to know what is actually going on and how severe something actually is, I'm glad to hear that this isn't actually consuming you and your life. I'm also glad to hear how rich the rest of your life is and that you don't actually struggle with unplugging yourself from this, something it does sound to me like you'd probably benefit from doing more and more.

In terms of therapy: why would you have to talk to your Mom about it or ask her? I ask because you're 23, so I'm going to assume that even if you're still on any insurance she has, your healthcare choices are totally up to you at this point. Maybe you also need some help creating some healthy boundaries with your Mom? You shouldn't be in the position where you are loath to look into any kind of healthcare that would benefit you because accessing it means you have to be "bombarded" in any way. I want to make sure that you know that you not only likely have the option to seek this out without involving your mother at all, or, if you want to or have to for any reason, when she does something like that, you get to say something like, "My mental health is very personal and something I'd like to keep private outside things I want to share with you. Can you respect my privacy with this and just help me in the way you need to so I can get the extra support I'm looking for from a therapist?"

In terms of the qualities of this fictional character being "so human," understand that a lot of that likely has more to do with the quality of someone's writing than on the relevance this may have to reality. As a writer and author, this is part of the job, you know? That said, are there people who exist with the qualities you've described? Sure. But how those manifest in someone is all over the place, because we as people are more than just a collection of character traits, and when we're with another person, who we are together also is not just addition: your traits + their traits = your relationship. Real people also have real histories that impact us, and how we are with each other has as much to do with the unique alchemy between us, and how we both behave with each other, as it does what we brought to the relationship on our own, if you know what I mean. The long story short is that no fictional character, no matter how artfully written, is ever going to be as complex as an actual person, especially in relationship with someone else.

It sounds like you've been having some legit mixed feelings about your actual relationship and partner. What do you say we set aside talk of fiction for a bit and just focus on your reality? Can you tell me some more about this relationship, how it has or hasn't met your needs, and how you're feeling about it and your partner right now?

[sleepyapple12]

Okay, let's talk about the therapy part .

The reason is even though I am 23, and of course I am old enough to make my own decisions which I am aware, but I guess it's more treaky to be able to say "Can you respect my privacy with this and just help me in the way you need to so I can get the extra support I'm looking for from a therapist?" to an asian mother . I could already hear and predict her reaction to this "thing" that I am facing, even though by all means my family could afford the privilege of therapy, the convincing part can be difficult. Also, because we are touching on the topic of affording, I myself don't have the money but parents do (btw the therapy that I used to go to is private and not from a hospital or goverment so it is paid out of pocket, not by insurance). So, I hope you can kinda see the situation that I have to work with, but I do agree that I have the right to privacy in things that I am not comfortable to share. I mean, maybe after this upload ill just say "fuck it" and just say to her that I need to jump back in again and be clear that I am not in a mental health crisis like I was before. Maybe I don't need to go to therapy for this after the advise that I got from you. We'll see how this goes.

The point where you said that the qualities of the character being so "human" is because it was written by an actual human literally flipped a switch in my brain. I totally agree to what you said that a fictional character will never be as complex as an actual human being.
To answer your question, the main problem that I had with my bf was from all these years that we had together is how exhausted I felt building him into the man that I needed. Early on in the relationship during my healing journey in therapy, he was just in the passenger seat for the most of it. He was never an anchor of support when I needed him to be. Even though he could give it to me now but it is all because of my teaching and my doing. He was horrible at giving the emotional support that I need him to be, so I started to teach him how, and now I’m just totally burned out from it.

We have talked about this in the years that were together, but after every talk there is another annoying thing and another teaching and another boundary placing so now I am just feeling the by-product of what I created. It’s exhausting to think of all the times that I put him in place, telling him what to say and showing him how to give me support that I needed which started to make me feel like I am a teacher instead of a girlfriend. I started to question why am I building a man, when what I needed was a man that was already built. No need to guide and teach, just ready to give me the support that I needed with his own will. To be fair, he is changing, but gosh, I feel burned out by all this.

There were many times that I had considered to end this relationship, but my ego got the best of me. No way that I will build a man to just give it up for another girl to enjoy, so I never ended it. This whole being emotionally attached to a character that is fulfilling my desires for a man is not a surprise at all. The character gave me the sense of strength and groundedness that has been lacking in my partner. All these years I always felt like I was the anchor and the stronger one in the relationship which I hated. We have also talked about this but all that exhaustion from everything made me feel unhappy with where I am with him right now.

I did realise that teaching and building him was pulling me away from him, and I have talked about it with him but I still feel like my needs are not fulfilled. I also sometimes feel that I am being unfair to him because he has been changing and growing too, but I always end up falling back to the character to fill in the gaps that he couldn't.

[char]

Hey sleepyapple12! I'd like to share my two cents, if that's okay.

The reason is even though I am 23, and of course I am old enough to make my own decisions which I am aware, but I guess it's more treaky to be able to say "Can you respect my privacy with this and just help me in the way you need to so I can get the extra support I'm looking for from a therapist?" to an asian mother . I could already hear and predict her reaction to this "thing" that I am facing, even though by all means my family could afford the privilege of therapy, the convincing part can be difficult. Also, because we are touching on the topic of affording, I myself don't have the money but parents do (btw the therapy that I used to go to is private and not from a hospital or goverment so it is paid out of pocket, not by insurance). So, I hope you can kinda see the situation that I have to work with, but I do agree that I have the right to privacy in things that I am not comfortable to share. I mean, maybe after this upload ill just say "fuck it" and just say to her that I need to jump back in again and be clear that I am not in a mental health crisis like I was before. Maybe I don't need to go to therapy for this after the advise that I got from you. We'll see how this goes.

Honestly, as one Southeast Asian person in their 20s to another, this is unfortunately an all too common scenario. What might be relieving/harrowing to hear is that this kind of controlling behavior is sadly seen all over the world. We know that our parents likely mean well, but by forcing themselves to help you (in which, let's be real, they usually wouldn't do the best job at) they're not respecting our autonomy, right? The idea that children (especially girls and young women) "belong" to their parents until they get married is icky and inaccurate for so many reasons; it sucks that many parents genuinely believe this when it comes to their own children. Even though it might be challenging to change your mom's beliefs, I hope you could build and maintain your own independence at your own pace, like telling her that you do deserve privacy. Since you go to university, do you know if your campus has a free/at least relatively affordable counseling service you can use? The caveat is that there might be a long waitlist, but it's still worth checking out. Online therapies (or at least mental health counseling) would be a more affordable option, though for many people it may not feel as right, especially on the first meeting(s). What do you think?

As for your relationship with your boyfriend: I'm also not surprised at all that you end up finding comfort in this fictional character. It doesn't sound like this relationship was built from the ground up by all parties involved. Instead, it mostly hinges upon your efforts to move things forward, such as letting your boyfriend know how to emotionally support you through your harshest times. How has he responded to your feedback, as well as his reaction to your exhaustion and unsatisfaction? Additionally, how does he feel about you and this relationship?

At the same time, without diminishing your frustrations of course, I'd like to address something regarding your perspective:

I started to question why am I building a man, when what I needed was a man that was already built. No need to guide and teach, just ready to give me the support that I needed with his own will. To be fair, he is changing, but gosh, I feel burned out by all this.

There were many times that I had considered to end this relationship, but my ego got the best of me. No way that I will build a man to just give it up for another girl to enjoy, so I never ended it.

We can't "build" or change people; at least not in this sense. We can let them know how we feel and solve conflicts together, but in the end, it's on the other person to make that conscious decision to change the way they interact with us. Trying to keep a relationship for as long as you can when things aren't going well is frankly not a great idea either. Not only because we need to be able to recognize when a relationship has gone bad so we have to end it, but also because it'll limit (and hurt) both of you emotionally. There are other people out there that can meet you halfway and build a better relationship with you. There's also no guarantee that your boyfriend is 100% going to treat his new girlfriend better than he treated you after the two of you broke up. If you're burned out, you do need some time to heal and learn to treat yourself better. Do you get what I mean?

I know this is likely a lot to take in, so feel free to take your time to process how you feel!