scared of going to a gynecologist what can i do?

[brokenballerina]

my mom wants me to go but im scared i dont want this doctor to touch me or anything and the worst part is that he is a man and i wanted a female doctor
my mom made the appointment without asking me and that makes me mad
bad thing happened to me when i was little and my mom does not knows about it and sometimes i feel upset by silly things like any man hugging me or anything i just dont like it it makes feel like when the bad things where happening
im also scared that this doctor is going to see im not a virgin and he is going to tell my parents and i have some scars in my private parts and im ashamed of it
i know is not the same that the doctor is not going to hurt me but im more afraid of what im going to feel because i cant control my feelings sometimes mostly when im scared

[Sam W]

Hi brokenballerina,

So, just so you know, there is no way for this doctor to know you've engaged in sexual behavior (or if you were sexually assaulted). They can't tell just by looking at your genitals.

Have you let your mom know that you'd feel more comfortable seeing a woman? If not, try telling her that you would feel far more comfortable with that. I also want to say that, legally, I believe the doctor can't examine you without your consent (I can check that for you, if you'd like). So, if you end up at the appointment are feeling scared or panicked, tell the doctor.

I want to ask, have you told anybody about what happened when you were younger?

[Heather]

Just to get this covered, unless your mother is concerned something that is literally putting your life at risk is going on -- like being HIV positive and not getting any treatment -- then according to the law, no one can examine you or provide you any other medical care without your consent.

And if and when a doctor does give you an exam, similar is true with sharing information with your parents: unless your life is in danger, and you are not taking action to take care of yourself, they cannot lawfully share your health information with parents or guardians without your permission.

[brokenballerina]

yes can u please tell me if its legal and stuff
no i havent told anyone i was a long time ago and i dont want to think about it besides im going to get in trouble if i tell someone they´ll get mad at me
also i dont know how to tell i dont understand i dont know if it was rape or what it was because it wasnt a stranger who hurted me it was someone in my family and i liked him and he would buy me nice things so its my fault too because i kept the gifts
like i didnt say no i thought it was a game but it hurted so much down there and i was crying and he kept doing it and he said i made him do that because i was a bad girl and that adults sometimes play this game and now i know its not okay and im ashamed and i feel guilty

[Heather]

Look above, we were posting at the same time.

Sexual assault isn't just something strangers to people do. In fact, it's more common for people who have been sexually assaulted to have known who assaulted them well than not to know them at all.

Going along with things people who are sexually abusive to to try and keep victims from telling, like giving gifts, doesn't make abuse or assault the fault of the victim. It remains the fault of whoever chose to abuse or assault someone. This is that person's fault and doing, not yours.

Would you like us to get you connected with someone in-person it is safe to talk to about your abuse or assault so that you can get some help and support healing? No one who works for a victim advocacy group or organization, or does that kind of work, gets mad at victims. They know better, including knowing it's not your fault.

[brokenballerina]

sorry im new
well in my school there is this lady and she like a couselor she said she is a phsycologist and i like her because once i felt sad i went to her office and she played mancala with me and it was fun and she was sweet i didnt told her anything because i dont know how to tell but i would like to tell her
if i do is she going to tell my mom or teachers? i dont want them to know

[Heather]

This kind of information should be kept private with any kind of counselor UNLESS you live with the person abusing you, in which case a report to social services may be made outside your control as is mandatory in many areas for your safety.

But what you can do -- with anyone like this, whatever the topic -- is go in and ask this counselor to tell you what their privacy policies are in general. That way, you can find out what is and isn't guaranteed to stay private before you tell her anything about this.