Scarleteen

Okay, admittedly I'm not really sure what to say here. There are a lot of things about my sexuality which I'm not sure are normal or not, and I guess that's what I need help sorting out. Also, I want to get myself to a point where I can actually enjoy sex, because so far that hasn't happened. For reference, I am an 18 year old straight female currently attending college. I am taking birth control, although I'm not very good at taking the pills on time. Whoops.

The problem I've been encountering is that I can't seem to get any pleasure at all from touching my vagina. My clitoris seems to work fine (maybe?), but the inside of my vagina is a no-go. The only masturbation strategy that does anything for me at all is grinding the side of my hand against my clit over my underwear, and that has never brought me to orgasm. (Or if the point I usually get to is orgasm, people are sure making a big deal out of nothing. ) When I try to stick my finger in there, the moist fleshy feeling makes me feel nauseous and kills my mood. My boyfriend has tried a finger as well; while I don't get the same nausea, he can barely get past the fingernail before it hurts too much and I have to stop. Oral just kind of tickles. We haven't tried PIV yet, and I've never done it with anyone else.

As of right now, I have two theories about what is causing the issue. The first is that I might have a microperforate hymen that's causing the pain. I used a mirror today to try and locate my vaginal opening, but I couldn't really find one. I think I saw two pinprick holes, one of which might have have been my urethra. During sex, my boyfriend has noted several times how small my vaginal opening is. I also have always struggled to put in tampons. I've only worn one once--it took me at least 10 tries to get it in, and while I was wearing it I was uncomfortable the whole time. (I've stuck to pads ever since.) As for periods, mine have always started as a slow trickle, only gotten heavy-ish on the 2nd or 3rd day, and then spent another few days trickling off, but for all I know this could be a regular pattern. Maybe this is all normal stuff for an average-sized hymen, I don't know.

My other theory is that it's psychological, and that the pain might come from a lack of arousal. As awkward as it is to admit, most of my sexuality up to this point has revolved around an unusual fetish that has absolutely nothing to do with sex. In fact, trying to incorporate sex into my fantasies just side-tracks things and decreases their effectiveness. While regular porn and sex fantasies can sometimes cause me to get damp down there, it never comes with a real sense of arousal, and I can't masturbate to it. I'm worried that this might be keeping me from getting suitably aroused during sex, despite the fact that I love my boyfriend and find him attractive. Sex just isn't that sexy to me. Maybe I'll start associating sex with pleasure after I orgasm from it once, but I can't know for sure.

So, which seems more likely? Could it be a physical problem, a psychological problem, or both? Should I tough it out for the first time to see if that fixes the issue, or should I go see a doctor or therapist first? Any other advice?

Hi beedrill,

So, if you haven't done so recently, it's time to schedule an appointment with and OBGYN. It's a good habit to get into, but it will also help you determine if the source of the discomfort is coming from something physical. Do you have a way to access that type of resource? I will say that, on the physical side of things, lube is your friend. Even if your body produces some of it's own, adding in extra can often help get rid of discomfort. So, depending on how much (if any) lube you're using, increasing the amount might help.

I will say that a pattern we see is that people who are experiencing uncomfortable or painful sex often do have a mental component to that discomfort. That can come from stress, from not trusting a partner, or from just being someone who usually needs a lot of foreplay or non-penetrative sex to get really aroused. You mention having a fantasy that arouses you. Have you and your boyfriend discussed ways that you could introduce it, or elements of it, into your sex life?

For now, my advice is to take things slow, and maybe concentrate on sexual stuff that doesn't require penetration. If you decide to try manual sex again, take a lot of time to get really into the mood before you try it, use lots of lube, and see if that helps the situation any. If it still hurts, then stop and go back to doing other stuff (if you feel like it)