relationship advice

[dk030993]

relationship issues
I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now. We have been in a steady long distance relationship and had no issues prior to this. But suddenly my boyfriend has stopped talking to me over the phone much citing reasons like he doesnt like to talk much over the phone and it sometimes feels like he's brushing me off but i have repeatedly asked him and i am sure that what he says is true but it leaves me feeling like something is amiss and then i tend to bring up these issues and we fight over it.
Do i overthink the situation and if i do then i am at a dead end as to how i should help it. Please of i could just get a second opinion it would just help me clear out my head. Also i think i am just too addicted to talking to him and i want to tamper it down..

[Heather]

Sorry to hear about your struggles with this.

Can you fill me in a bit about how these discussions have gone? It is sounding like you are saying that any discussion around this results in a fight or argument rather than calm, clear communication. Do I have that right?

If that's right, has this always been an issue, or have you previously been able to communicate about loaded things without getting into fights?

[dk030993]

Mostly we start out all calm and composed but we end up saying a lot of mean stuff which we dont mean. He says that i overthink the situation that if he says he is tired and wants to spend some alone time then i shouldnt start thinking radical stuff like something is wrong or something..
I really dont know but i just feel like we cant seem to reach a common ground and i end up feeling hurt at the end of the day

[Heather]

How long would you say it has been that you have felt like he is pulling away, and like the communication between you two has been shutting down?

And do you feel like he is showing you ANY interest in being with you, and spending time together? Is he still asking to spend time with you at all?

Too, have you two talked about how you both have been speaking unkindly to each other, and talked about agreeing to change that pattern?

Lastly, is he ASKING you for time alone or time without calls? Or, when he says he wants time alone, is he just blowing you off? have you two had any talks about figuring out how he can get the time he seems to be saying he wants to himself without you feeling blown off?

[dk030993]

It has been going on for about a month.. i thought initially that maybe he doesnt want to be with me anymore but then he has repeateadly made it clear that he is very much into the relationship so im just lost here as to what is going wrong here maybe he just seriously is not a night person and doesnt like to talk on the phone much

[Heather]

Okay, so I have an idea:

How about you ask him for a time when you two can sit down and talk this out for a couple of hours, including working together to find ways for him to ask for time he wants for himself clearly, so that you can just provide for that without feeling blown off?

Additionally, how about you make clear that you want to ask him to make an agreement with you that you will both try very hard to just listen to what the other person is saying and feeling, without saying anything mean, without fights?

Ideally, before you do that, you are going to figure out what you want and need here that will work for you, so you can bring that to the table in this talk. For instance, if he doesn't want to talk on the phone that often anymore, how are you two going to check in with each other and communicate instead? And in what ways could he tell you that he just doesn't want to talk on the phone at a given time so you could just accept that without feeling bad about it?