feeling like a bad person

[Kela]

hey, scarleteen!!

its been a while. since i was last here, i am now in an official relationship and i have been in regular counselling which has helped me to see things in a clearer way, and has given me so much help and confidence, but i wouldnt have had the confidence to if i hadnt come here first!
however, im back, and with a bit of a problem...i dont feel comfortable telling my counsellor and i am aware of potential difficulties of confiding in my friends, especially one who knows the person im having a problem with. but i feel comfortable in this space to share this, so here goes..

new years eve, i went out with some friends. when out we met this other group and one of the guys basically ended up sticking to us like glue for the whole night, being particularly friendly with my friend, as in they made out pretty much all night.
he added us all on facebook, and i accepted his friend request without thinking about it. i was single at this time.
he messaged both me and my friend on new years day, just being friendly, but the conversation didnt last long and i didnt think any more about it.
however, recently, and since ive been in a relationship, this guy has started messaging me again, and only me. it started off friendly, but has increasingly become more flirty and ended up being basically full blown sexting. i feel terrible, and dirty and i know its basically cheating and there is no excuse.
im not quite sure why i let it get that far...ive had alot of family problems recently which have made me very depressed, i am working through them with my counsellor but i am feeling very vulnerable and my self esteem is on the floor.
i want to stop, but i am a bit scared he might show my other friend the messages we have sent eachother and that would make things a whole lot worse i know.
im in such a mess with this, i feel like a terrible person and am feeling all sorts, i dont know what to do i want to be with the person i am in a relationship with, i care for him deeply and things are working out slowly.
i guess im just looking for some advice. i cant tell my counsellor because i feel she'd be so disappointed in me. shes always telling me im not the bad person i tell myself i am but how could she say that id she knew what ive done??

thankyou Xx

[Heather]

Really, I think all you can do here is:
1) Tell the friend texting you to knock it off, that you're in a relationship and want to be exclusive, and this seems to be on the edge of being outside of that. You're sorry if you gave them the wrong impression with your own actions, but you need to stop being part of anything sexual with them.
2) Be honest about this with the person you are seeing, so that a) you don't have to be concerned with someone else bringing any of this to them, and b) you can do some of the open, honest communication, and working with exclusivity agreements and what they mean, that we need to do in intimate relationships we want to build and sustain.

I'd also suggest you go ahead and tell your counselor, since this sounds very much like something you have strong feelings about and need help with. If you are feeling like you can't fully participate in your therapy -- like you can't be honest about everything and anything -- because you fear disappointment from your counselor, that's something important to talk about with them, so they can work that through with you. Otherwise, you're pretty much setting yourself up for your counseling to be very limited in what it can offer you, okay?

[Heather]

By the by, I don't think that the mistakes people often make when learning to navigate sex and sexual relationships usually have anything to do with people being bad people.

When we are talking about abuse, harassment or assault, then we can talk about people acting with malice, and people's behaviour being a potential reflection of them not being safe and sound.

But stumbling as you figure all of this stuff out in the way that people do -- and also trying to do any of this when you still have so much of your own esteem work to do, as we've talked about, is going to make doing this much, much harder -- isn't about you being a bad person. It's mostly just about you being a person, and a person who we already know has a pattern of having a hard time when it comes to self-esteem and an attachment, for lack of a better word, to sexual or romantic attention from others that likely has a lot to do with where your esteem has been at, and probably still is at, given how short a time you've been getting help with it.

Really, if you're asking me, I think how someone handles making a mistake like this tells us a lot more about what kind of a person they are than having made this kind of mistake does. So, one thing you can do for yourself in this, above anyone else, is to step it up and handle it from here like a boss, just taking responsibility, and then doing what you can to deal with and work through whatever impact this has on any of your relationships honestly and with kindness to yourself and others.