Boyfriend lasts way too long

[natcmau]

Hello!

My boyfriend and I have been sexually active with one another for about a year now. Sometimes, he can take up to an hour to even start feeling like he's close to orgasm. This has been happening with more and more frequency lately. This causes problems for us because I get really sore from that much sex in one go-round and also because I feel insecure when I can't get him to finish through sex. He can orgasm from oral or manual sex, but even that takes long sometimes (not as long as vaginal sex, though).

I'm thinking that maybe the condoms we're using could be causing him to hold out. Would an ultra thin brand work better? I've heard those are just as strong and safe as normal condoms, but give the guy a more natural feeling of penetration. Are there any other things I could be doing to help him out? We both acknowledge orgasm isn't the only great part of sex, but it is a really good part- one that we wanna share together.

[Heather]

Okay, first up:

Your very first step is for either of you to stop having sex -- whatever kind you are having at the time -- when it stops feeling good to either of you, physically or emotionally. Not only might doing that be part of the issue here, that's just not a good setup for a good sex life, period.

By all means, you can experiment with condoms, trying ultra-thin styles and/or the internal (female) condom to see if this is about condoms. Or, your partner can remove the condom and he or you can engage in something like manual sex, where you don't need one, and see if that changes things for him that way. If he's not putting a few drops of lube *inside* the condom (not just on the outside), that tends to make a big difference in how condoms feel to people wearing them.

But it sounds like the bigger issues here are changing your own headspace -- whether he reaches orgasm or not is actually mostly about him and his involuntary body responses, not about you, so it's not like when he does orgasm, you do that: he does that, and it's largely out of either of your control.

If you are not already, you also can just keep a focus on what feels good for both of you. If it feels good to him to stay erect for an hour, then explore what sexual activities you two can do where that works for both of you, rather than causing you or he discomfort. If, for you, that's none -- as in, you just are someone who wants all of sex to be done and over in shorter than he is staying erect for -- then you two talk about how to work that out, like by him masturbating to orgasm, or by just stopping when you feel done, period. Either are totally reasonable, common ways to address that kind of difference in couples with time-to-orgasm vs. time-partner-wants-to-be-done-and-is-bored-to-tears.

And, of course, you can ask him about this. Is this also how it's going for him with masturbation? And is HE, himself, feeling like this is a problem for him? If so, has he checked in with his doctor to see if it's physical rather than psychological (which is usually more the case, and again, that doesn't have to mean there is a problem)? Like to rule out depression or a sexual side effect of a medication?

[Heather]

By the by, a while back, you posted about just generally feeling disappointed with your sexual life. Would you say that's still the case?

If so, do you want to talk about the possibility that perhaps you and your boyfriend just may not be the best fit/match for each other? In other words, do you think any of this may just be about neither of the two of you feeling any of this so much in the bigger picture?

[natcmau]

I'm no longer dissatisfied with my sex life and neither is he. My partner and I listen to each other and try to explore what feels best for both of us. This has just been a pressing issue as of late that we want to work through.

Are ultra thin condoms just as safe as normal ones?

[Johanna]

Yes, ultra thin condoms are just as safe as regular condoms, when used correctly. So, that is certainly something you can experiment with to see if that changes anything.

Have you and your partner had that conversation that Heather suggested, asking him how he perceives this situation, whether he considers it a problem and how he feels about it?

I hear you saying that you have resolved whatever was causing you to initially feel disappointed about your sex life, but reading back through your posts, I am seeing a pattern that is still on-going, specifically in the way you talk about how this is making you feel. A few months ago, you worried that your partner was feeling insecure for not being able to 'make' you climax, now you express feeling insecure since he is not finishing (or taking a long time to finish). So even though you may have resolved what had you feeling disatisfied a few months ago, I am still seeing the same framework here, and that's not a framework that is generally very helpful or conducive to a fun, happy sex life. Would you be interested in exploring those thoughts, and seeing if we can't find a way for you to think differently about this?

[natcmau]

The only thing that's bothering us here is the issue of lasting too long. It frustrates him, as well.

Our sex life is a happy one, regardless of the problems we face, because we love one another. There's no thoughts to explore in that. Sex isn't perfect because this isn't the movies. We're allowed to go through periods of difficulty without the entire relationship being compromised. If it was, it'd be a shallow one to begin with. We talk and listen to one another and we do our best and that's all we can do. That doesn't prohibit us from sometimes being frustrated, though. It's a natural part of life sometimes and if the person if worth it, you work through those things. We're happy. Working through stuff like this just makes us even stronger.

[Johanna]

Alright, let's take a step back, okay? Of course sex isn't movie-perfect, and no one is suggesting that it should be. In fact, here at Scarelteen we'll be the first to advocate for letting go of unrealistic expectations. And for sure, relationships require work and aren't always effortlessly easy. (Though it is also worth pointing out that it is not necessarily shallow to end a relationship, or shift a sexual relationship to a platonic one, if there is a pretty big sexual compatibility mismatch. We all get to decide what our deal-breakers are, and there is nothing inherently shallow about placing value on the sexual component of a relationship.)

So, I am not suggesting that you two break up, at all. What I was suggesting was exactly what you said you want to do: work through this stuff. Are you up for that?

[natcmau]

I'm not sure what all that entails.

[Johanna]

It would mean being open to discussing some of the frameworks that you're using here to see whether they're serving you well. For example, the idea that your partner is lasting 'too long' - too long by whose standards? And also the way you feel insecure because of this - why do you think that you are responsible?

[natcmau]

I wouldn't have a problem with having sex for a long time, but the fact is that I get sore and exhausted to the point where it isn't even enjoyable anymore. We both are affected by the length of time that it's been taking recently. I want so badly to pleasure him and get upset when I can't. I just get the idea in my mind that I should be able to and then get really sad when I can't.

In my mind, I know it's not my fault, but I'm not blaming so much as I am just disappointed that I couldn't help him get to the point of orgasm. He's always reassuring that it's not a big deal, but every time it happens, I just feel really upset about the whole thing.

[Johanna]

Okay, so there are a couple of things to think about. You're saying you carry on having intercourse until past the point where it stops being comfortable for you. My first suggestgion, ecchoing Heather, would be that you stop having intercourse when it stops being enjoyable for you, and instead explore other options. You say oral and manual sex works for him, so those are activities you can engage in. What are some other things that work for him in solo sex? Maybe you can incorporate those, as well. Maybe he can show you what he likes?

I assume you mean intercourse specifically when you talk about having sex for a long time. However, if by sex you means all types of sexual activity, then that may also mean that you stop having sex when it stops being enjoyable for you, even if your partner has not finished yet. Sex should always be about everyone involved having fun and experiencing pleasure. It's just not a good idea to have sex be a goal-oriented activity focused on orgasming, especially if that means that you keep going once you've lost interest.

Lastly, if you're interest, we can talk some more about why you are feeling disappointed about your partner not climaxing. Can you tell me what you think he or you are missing out on? And why it should be your job to provide that?