Parents know, need advice

[ICantThink]

My boyfriends parents found a used condom in the trash the other day and I dont want them to tell my parents about it. They haven't said anything or treated me differently and I dont want them to tell my parents so they find out, I just want to be the one to tell them. I just dont know how... I don't want to be constantly supervised or have my relationship strained by having a chaperone on dates and stuff. Im not expecting them to continue being so relaxed, I just dont want it to get so constricting. My mom had sex at 14 so im already different from her in the fact that it was with someone I really love and care for while also being older than she was, so I dont want her treating me as if I just jumped into bed with someone like she and my sister did. Any advice on how to have this conversation?

[Heather]

Can you fill me in on how it feels constricting now?

In other words, what I am hearing so far is that your parents so far are being relaxed, yet I also hear you voicing concerns about judgement (and to be honest, making some judgments of your own about your mother and your sister's sexual choices).

So, what are you looking for in a conversation about your own sexual life and choices? What kinds of conversations about sex have you had so far with them, and how have those gone?

[ICantThink]

They've been relaxed in terms of not chaperoning us on dates, but come downstairs when we're watching movies or something quite frequently and for a while there was a rule of "no blankets." To which this has stopped because the basement was freezing. My mom was asking me "how far have you guys gone" and would check my phone and read through the messages with my boyfriend a lot. I'm not saying this is wrong, she's a parent and has a right to go through her kids phone and stuff. But I don't want things to become more constricting. I don't want her constantly taking my phone, or staying downstairs with us the entire time or insisting on one of them coming with us on dates.

I had an incident a while back where my parents found some texts between my boyfriend and I that they weren't supposed to see, and it became rather constricting with her constantly coming downstairs and taking my phone etc. for a while after that. When we had talked back then about what was going on (at the time it just was talking about doing stuff, we actually hadn't done anything at the moment) she treated me like I was still six. I get the whole parents not wanting to realize their kids are growing up thing, but at the same time I'm tired of being expected to stay a virgin until I'm older. She asked me to not do anything until I was 17, I told her I couldn't make that promise but I would try. She's also asking me to tell her when something happens, and finds it weird that other teenagers don't immediately tell their parents this kind of stuff. She expects me to be the teenager that has no problem going and giving details about what just happened. I'm not like that, I highly doubt many teenagers are like that, but for her to expect that from me is hypocritical in my opinion since she was never like that herself. I have no problem talking to them about stuff, I just don't want to go into details about it.

It's frustrating when we first started dating and I would say "we're going hiking" or "to see a movie" and her response would be "I know what happens at movie theaters or when hiking" as if she automatically assumed we were going to have sex. She would compare her past actions to me and just assume I would do the same things she did. She's not very good at seeing that I'm not the girl that goes around sleeping with guys and that if I felt pressured into something, I'd leave or stop. She'd repeatedly tell me that when she was my age, she fell asleep during a movie and woke up with some guys hand up her shirt, and instead of saying something she just let him feel her up. My sister is also one who has a different guy in her room every other night. (I know this from seeing them leave her room every morning as my room was across from hers.)

I'm tired of my mom thinking I'm going to allow myself to be pressured into something, or that every time we go somewhere we're having sex. I don't want her to become constricting in terms of dates by constantly supervising when she does find out. I don't want her to find out from my boyfriend's parents, I want to be the one to tell her. I just don't know how and I'm not looking forward to it. We've discussed several times that when I have sex I'm going to use two forms of protection (condoms, and birth control) and that if for some reason I'm not safe, she would take me to get Plan B. I've also somewhat touched on the subject of how she would react if I told her my boyfriend and I were having sex, and she wasn't able to answer me clearly. It went from "i'd be pissed," to "I don't know" or "Are you having sex?"

She's the type of person that will either explode immediately and react, then take a while to cool down. Do the "I'm not angry, I'm disappointed" thing and avoid me for a while because I didn't tell her immediately after we did something and give all the details about it, or be as calm as his parents are being while still somewhat upping the supervision. Again, I'm well aware that things aren't going to be as relaxed, and there will be more supervision. I'm not trying to avoid that or anything, I just don't want to feel like every time I'm on a date, my parents are double dating with us. I want to still be a teenager in a healthy relationship, with my mom realizing I'm no longer six.

[Heather]

So, you know, everything you said here sounds a) like the conversation you want to have and b) like a perfectly fine way to go about that conversation.

The one thing I'd suggest you take a pass on is comparing yourself to your mother or your sister. Their sexual choices are about them, not you or yours. I'd keep the focus on yours, and ask your mother to do the same when you two talk about this. And by all means, it's okay to ask for more privacy with any given thing, including your sexual life. You and your mother should be able to work out a way to be in touch about any of this without you having to share anything you really want to keep private.

Sound good?

[redheadcaligirl]

I had the same exact feelings about telling my parents about my relationship at all. I was so scared of my parents making restrictions like an early curfew or constantly asking me where I was going or what I was doing with my boyfriend that I decided to not tell them about him at all. Well, eventually they found out and also found out I was having sex (which was tough) and I just decided to tell them that while I respect their authority over me since I live in their house, that they needed to respect my decisions because I'm an adult. Now I'm not sure if you're 18 yet, but even if not, I think it's best to just be very mature about the situation and be honest with your mom and tell her that while you are having sex, that you deeply care for your boyfriend and that you guys are being safe, and hopefully she won't go too crazy on the restrictions. good luck if you haven't already talked to her xx