Anyway, I wanted to give an update on the past year's events. The last time I posted, I was deeply suicidal and self-harming. I apologize for leaving everyone hanging after stating I was suicidal. As you can see, I'm still here.
Honestly, I've been wanting to continue the conversation I had going under my "Validation" thread, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Too scary and I was afraid of being triggered. I finally built up the courage last night to come back, and while I've achieved my goal of continuing my thread, I don't know how soon I'll come back to it or how frequently since it's still kind of scary to look back at how low I was 1 year ago. But hopefully I'll be able to keep mustering up the courage and it'll help me heal.
I did end up acting upon my suicidal thoughts, and my self-harming (cutting) was getting way out of control. I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for some time and started a medication regimen -- as I've stated before, I was really reluctant to take medication for my psychological disturbances, but I've found a lot of relief from my panic disorder and I have seen a great decrease in my panic attacks. I can even go out in public now without really having to worry about having a panic attack. Additionally, how I've said I sometimes go through periods of eating very little -- during my hospitalization, I was diagnosed with "a history of bulimia" (non-purging), and I've been seeing a wonderful therapist for going on 7 months now who is helping me with that, along with all my other concerns. I also see my psychiatrist every few months; he monitors my weight and helps me with my medication regimen if I have any concerns about it.
Also, before I forget, I want to say that I have had NO contact with J between the last time I posted here and now. As it was when I began the archived thread, I have no contact with J and he has not made any attempts to contact me. I've had on-and-off thoughts of taking legal action, but I've decided that doing so would bring me no psychological/emotional good (if anything, it would only bring more hurt), but the point here is that I am still safe from J, thankfully.
As for my best friend...I don't think there is a relationship between us anymore. I feel I am heavily to blame for that (I'll explain it a little more in-depth at a later time) but for now I just wanted to say what's been going on with that as of right now.
And also, my cousin. I know I've said before she can be a very bad trigger for me, and I've found that that's only grown worse with time (which I'm about 90% sure she is aware of but doesn't really care), so I think the best thing for me is to maintain only a limited relationship from here on out, and even then only with her 1-year-old daughter (who I love very much) as the priority.
I finally received my new diagnosis of Asperger's this past September, and after the New Year starts, the state will be helping me with finding work, beginning college, etc. My dad and I moved this past spring, so that is why it took so long for things to get going with the state.
Well, I think that's just about the past year in a nutshell. Once again, I'm sorry for leaving off by stating I was severely suicidal. I'm very much still here.
And since like I said I don't know when I'll have the courage to come check in again, to finish on a positive note, Happy New Year to all Scarleteen-ers who will be celebrating the New Year today and tomorrow 
As you can imagine it's pretty hurtful, so I avoid her whenever contact is unnecessary, and I especially try to avoid being in situations with her where eating/food would be involved since as mentioned those are particularly triggering situations for me. I feel kind of sad that I'm doing this, but at the same time I realize it's for my own well-being especially because of the way my cousin behaves toward me since telling her about J and how she seems to deliberately trigger me.