Talking about rape

[FanndisTS]

Hi,

I'm fairly new and have never posted outside of the "Got Questions? Get Answers." board, so I'm not really sure what the protocol is here, so I'm just going to go for it.

My mom was raped by her fiance about 20-25 years ago. She didn't stay in that relationship, and he's not my dad, but it was still obviously an extremely traumatic experience, even if the abuse was not extended (it happened right after she broke off their engagement). She told me about this a few years ago, so I'd know what to be wary of in relationships (there were warning signs) and to be careful in college (rape really does happen). She mentioned that she never told her parents (her dad would have literally killed him), but she did track the guy down several years later and tell his wife what he did. I know she's told a few other people - my dad, her best friend, me, and maybe one other friend, but I don't think she's ever talked to a professional about it.

She goes to a therapist now, for unrelated reasons (she has a neurodegenerative illness, so he's helping her deal with that). She doesn't currently display any symptoms of PTSD or anything, although she said she used to have panic attacks when she had to drive past the place where it happened, and she says she's over it. Obviously it was a long time ago, and the statute of limitations for rape in Oregon has long passed, so I'm wondering... would it be worth trying to talk to her about it? Would that just dredge up old memories that she's done a pretty thorough job of repressing? Her condition is triggered by stress, so I'm fairly sure that attempting that conversation would send her into an episode (essentially a mini-stroke) and result in just a little bit more minor brain damage... should I just not bring it up? That would be easiest, and arguably best for her health... but it feels like leaving something alone that needs to be addressed. Would even just a "did you ever talk to a therapist about what _ did" help, or hurt?

Thanks.

[Eddie C]

It would be worth it only as long as she wants to do it. People who have been assaulted react in different ways. Some people talk about it very soon, for some disclosing takes years, and there are people who never talk about it. There's no way to say what is "right" or "wrong" because all of these reactions are all fair.

I know that when we know someone we love or care about has been hurt, it feels like we want to do the best for them but, sometimes all you can do is to just be there, and let her know that you are there for whenever she needs or feels like she wants to talk. It might be that she want to talk about it soon, but it might be that she just won''t. Or it might be that she needs to talk with you or with someone different. Nobody knows better than her.

I just want to add that is always nice to hear someone asking about how to help someone else. I think you are an awesome person for trying your best and I hope this gets better for your mom.

[FanndisTS]

Thanks! I'll definitely remind her that I'm there for her, and I'll be sure not to pressure her to talk either.

[suburban_witch]

Hi FanndisTS,

I just wanted to chime in here. I think you are handling this in a really compassionate way, and that is something that unfortunately, survivors don't see a lot of, so it's really wonderful to see that.

An important thing I'd like to say is that it doesn't have to be just one conversation; just leave the possibility of having multiple conversations with her open. Often, a survivor's experience will come out through multiple conversations, and they'll need multiple conversations to process and work through their experiences. The important thing is just showing you're receptive and willing to support her, whenever she's ready. As a young person, creating that space with a parent is a really brave thing to do, especially with something heavy like rape.

I'm wishing you all the best with it, and be sure to keep us updated on what happens for you and your mother.