Scarleteen

Hi, all! I'm seeking some advice on sexuality and relationships. I'm a 24-year-old queer woman who has been in a monogamous relationship with a man for about 5 years. I love him very much and we're very close, and we've been living together for most of those 5 years. We had a fun, normal sex life until about a year ago, when I began to have very little interest in having any kind of sexual contact with him. As that feeling progressed we stopped having sex entirely, and it's been about 8 months since we've been intimate. I'm not at all sure why I feel this way. Outside of the bedroom we spend a ton of time together, have deep conversations, and have a close, loving romantic relationship. I'm romantically attracted to him and am very happy in our relationship, but cannot figure out why I no longer have feelings of sexual attraction to him.

For a while, I wondered if my feelings about my sexuality played a part in this - I identify as a queer person because in the past I have had sexual attraction to and romantic interest in people of all genders, but I have never had a relationship or sex with people other than cis males. To be entirely honest, I feel like I've missed out on a big part of myself by only having relationships/sexual encounters with cis men, and I have something of an emotional desire to "affirm" my sexuality to myself by having a relationship/encounter with a woman or non-binary person.

I'm not sure if my lack of sexual desire for my partner stems from this, or something else entirely. I'm also not sure whether I lack interest in sex with ANYONE right now, or just with my partner (the subtext here is that I'm not sure whether the idea of an open relationship would be a helpful or hurtful option). I'm not sure how to broach this topic of conversation with him, which is a big sticking point. He's an open-minded and supportive person, but I know that our lack of sex in the last year has been challenging for him and that he does desire a sexual relationship. Most of all, I'm concerned that a discussion about our options will be damaging to our relationship, and I want to do everything I can to have a conversation that's not hurtful for either of us. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells even thinking about this conversation! Any thoughts about how to approach it?

Hi, Mills! I'd like to offer some thoughts. Keep in mind that I am rather inexperienced with relationships, but I think an outside perspective is almost always helpful.

It sounds to me like the first main issue with your relationship is your lack of sexual desire for your partner; in most cases, I would remind you not to feel pressured or like you owe him sex, but it seems like you have that well in hand. Congratulations on your totally awesome emotional maturity (that I'm sure I wouldn't be capable of in your situation)! Although it is difficult, remember that relationships between people with varying levels of sexual desire (see the many sexual/asexual couples out there!) are perfectly doable and can be very fulfilling, although they can be tough sometimes.

The second issue seems to be your questioning of your sexuality. While a desire to experiment romantically and sexually and "play the field" to get a full range of experiences is totally valid, please make sure that you do not need to have relationships with people who are not cis men in order to be "queer enough". Your identity, sexual and otherwise, is about your feelings and self-image, and you don't need to have a sexual or romantic relationship with people of different genders in order to be queer. Sexuality is about desire, not experience!

I know that there can be a lot of backlash from the LG community against "passing bisexuals" (or pansexuals, or non-specific queer people...), but remember that your wants and needs are beholden to no one, and certainly not to people whom you don't know personally.

Of course, if you decide that you do want to try to have a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman or genderqueer person, you definitely need to have a conversation with your partner, which you seem to have already acknowledged. It seems that if you do decide to take the path of an open relationship, it would solve both the problems of your doubt about your sexuality and his lack of a sexual relationship with anyone. I would sit him down carefully and explain the situation, making it clear that you are still romantically interested in him and find your relationship fulfilling in most ways. Hopefully, he continue to be open-minded and listen to your suggestions! Remember that he has his own opinions and needs and may have other suggestions, as well. The most important thing is listening to him during the conversation.

You could always try to work through this internally as well, but it seems like you've already attempted that. Feeling like you're "walking on eggshells" is never a good state for a relationship, so take comfort in the fact that however this conversation goes, it is necessary. Communication is integral to all relationships!

(Sorry if I came off as a bit condescending. I'm working on my friendly voice. )

Good luck!

Since, you love him, I don't think you should leave him. Maybe you can talk to him about having an open relationship, so you can experience and understand your sexuality more. If he really loves you, he might be up for it.

Of course, if Mills' partner isn't willing to try an open relationship, that doesn't mean that he doesn't really love her. Just as much as Mills isn't required to sacrifice their sexual autonomy for their partner, nor is their partner required to sacrifice his romantic autonomy for Mills.