Scarleteen

What does it mean to you to (only) have sex on your own terms?

In other words, not just or mostly because someone else wants it, or someone else might give you something you want that isn't sexual if you have sex with them, or because you feel it's something you are in some way obligated to do.

But only because YOU, yourself, want to be sexual with someone else, for your own reasons and from your own desires, which also just happen to coincide with them, too, having a desire and a want to be sexual with you.

What does that look like? And what ARE some of your own terms beyond wanting to be sexual and having an earnest desire to be so? What needs -- or, if you have not yet been sexual with someone else, will need -- to be a given for you if and when you are sexual with someone else additionally, be that things like safer sex and contraception, or honesty and openness, or a shared acceptance that everyone doesn't like or want the same things sexually so you're only doing whatever things you both want to do or trust built over time?

Wanting to have sex on my own terms, I think, was the biggest indicator that I was ready for my sexual debut. It made me realize that I am allowed to want sex for myself, and that having someone who also wanted the same was a fantastic feeling.

For me, some of the most important things were making sure that we were practicing safer sex, along always being honest and open with each other, inside and outside of the bedroom -- that's a real deal breaker. My current boyfriend and I built a lot of trust over time by slowly engaging in things that were increasingly more physical; we both had a lot of firsts together, and what came out of that was a silent agreement that neither of us would go any "farther" than the other wanted to. If one of us was uncomfortable, we both stopped. The first time we tried something new, we always asked permission, communicating the whole way.

"Does this feel good?' "Do you like this?" "Does that hurt?" "What should I do more of?" "Do you want me to?"

It made all the difference. I learned that he was truly listening to me and to what I wanted, just as I was doing the same for him. Not only that, but the more negative experiences (the times I asked him to stop, etc.) made an impact, too; it really solidified the fact that I could definitely, definitely, trust him to stop doing anything I asked him to, confident that we shared control of the situation. It ensured that I always felt safe and comfortable. Never scared, worried, or stressed.

TL;DR: Communication is key!!