Can't help but worry...

[mrmoore]

Hello, this is my first time posting on this and I have read tons of related articles that have made me feel a little better, but I think I would worry less saying everything that happened to somebody else so I can't create non-existent doubts in my mind.

So here it is, I was with a long-term girlfriend for quite a long time, and in August we broke up and shortly after I made a decision I am not very proud of.
In late September, I had protected sex with a girl I barely knew- even at the time I felt bad about it- initially, after about 5 minutes I lost my erection and stopped everything that was going on. After discussing my concerns with her, she reassured me it was okay and we started again (with a new condom).

I still didn't feel very good about it, and ended up having only one 'squirt' of ejaculation- and then withdrawing while erect- semi-erect maybe 10-15 seconds after. The ejaculation was so unusual, she just assumed I lost my erection again- and didn't know about the partial ejaculation.

I believe the reason I didn't have a 'full ejaculation' is because I wasn't completely into what was happening.

Anyway, the condom did not slip off or even move from the base when I withdrew, and I didn't examine the tip of the condom or anything but it definitely didn't have a gigantic rip or tear.

When I took the condom off, I had it in my hand and squeezed and I felt the ejaculate come into my hand. Is it possible there was still a break when I didn't notice a big tear and it didn't slip?

Exactly 21 days after I was with her she announced on Facebook that was she pregnant. Naturally, I was very worried and contacted her- I found out she is not a type of girl I would really ever want to be involved with..
I found out she was with a guy, unprotected, once or twice 8 or 9 days before me and he did not withdraw at all when he ejaculated because she is also on the Birth Control Pill. So, she basically thinks I am crazy for even thinking it could be me, hasn't contacted me at all, and etc.

Why I am so worried is because of the Due Date. The Due date is June 20th, 2015, the other guy (and maybe even more other guys) was with her on September 17th, 18th unprotected and I was with her on September 26th, 2014.
When I use a "Reverse due date calculator" it puts the "likely date of ovulation" September 27th- a day after I was with her.
I noticed that reverse due date calculators are based on a "28 day cycle" but if she got pregnant while on birth control, ovulation could of occurred at anytime couldn't it- so they can't be very accurate? In addition, I should note that she had an early ultrasound done in the first trimester, which I read can be off by up to a week.

I just would like to here your opinions based on what I said. I didn't notice any condom failure (definitely no slippage, no noticeable breaks + I felt sperm in my hand and if it had broken without noticing that sperm shouldn't be there)
Really worrying here, looking forward to your input thank you.

[Heather]

I think the key thing in something like this is to remember that you're not the person pregnant here, and that person is the one who gets to make most of the decisions, including how much or how little she involves anyone else. It sounds to me like she's been pretty clear with you that not only does she have zero concerns this pregnancy involves you, what she's said also makes clear she has not interest in involving you.

We can't give an online version of a paternity test here, and what you tried to do there with that calculator wasn't sound. Only she knows what her cycles are like, and only her healthcare providers are really in a sound spot to estimate when she conceived. It might also help to know that due dates are estimates, not guarantees, and there's an awful lot of room for error with them. Healthcare providers don't base estimates of conception dates on due dates for that reason, they base them on last menstrual periods and/or what level of fetal development is seen on an ultrasound.

By all means, too, the fact that you used a condom and at least someone else she was with didn't makes it awfully clear this is not a pregnancy that's at all likely to have involved you.

It sounds to me like your big takeaway here, for yourself, is that you've found out you don't feel very comfortable with this kind of casual sex. So, now that you know that, you can move forward making choices you know you're a lot more likely to feel a lot better about.

[mrmoore]

Thank you very much for such a quick reply...

You're right, your opinions do make a lot of sense and so far have really helped me to "get over" my mistake.. I definitely realize that casual sex isn't possible for me like it is others- I need a connection I suppose.

One more question though,

If the condom stayed on with zero slippage, worn for all intercourse, and I didn't inspect it, but it definitely looked intac + still had what I assume the full amount of ejaculate inside of it that I felt after squeezing it, can I safely assume it was effective?
Reading online there have been people saying that a small unnoticeable hole happens, and this worries me that a small amount of sperm could come through it.

I really appreciate the time and effort you guys put into this,
If it all turns out how I hope (I'll be able to not think about it at all in two months or so) maybe I will become more active to help on this site.
It is really nice to get advice and information tailored to my specific situation and I do thank you for your time.

[Heather]

Glad to be of help.

Unlike most other methods of contraception, with condoms, we really can tell, per use, if they worked or not. If a condom was on the whole time, for all contact, and didn't break or slip off, then yep, it is safe to figure it was 100% effective for that use.

If and when condoms get a rip in them, that rip very quickly turns into an easily-noticeable larger tear -- latex and non-latex condom materials are thin, and the things they are used for involve friction, so. This notion some people have that condoms can tear without notice is mostly based in misinformation and fear-factoring (even if that isn't what they intend) then the reality of how condoms work and fail.

If you want to talk about how to move forward in terms of getting a better sense of what choices and sexual contexts are and aren't right for you -- and maybe too, any help with how to listen to yourself when something feels off and feel you have real permission to stop and get gone right there and then what and if that happens -- I'd be happy to do that with you.

[mrmoore]

You know,

I can imagine the plethora of teens and twenties asking these same questions with slightly different scenarios over and over and over- to no avail; but having a site like this with real, reputable, information is beyond valuable. Especially because of how difficult it is to siphon through the true and false statements on yahoo answers- which usually cause more worry than help.

I truly think that this experience was a 'message' from somebody above- because of what I just found out.
When you are on the Birth Control Pill- I now know that you don't have a 'specific time' to ovulate monthly; because birth control pills suppress ovulation.
So if you are going to ovulate, it will occur solely based on when you missed a pill/ when hormone levels dropped low enough to trigger ovulation not on Day 14 of your cycle like I originally thought.
Finding this out has been somewhat of a relief for me, because recently the girl has posted a Ultrasound photo with the 'Gestational Age' in the corner. Counting backwards, I can see where the cycle was supposed to start (LMP)- and that coincides with the Due Date- 40 weeks later.
So the fact that I had intercourse with her on the supposed 'Day before ovulation' as per the reverse due date calculator is completely irrelevant because she was on the birth control pill- there is no one likely day to ovulate.
Furthermore, reading over what you have said about condom usage and failures being obvious Ex) Obvious breakage when it breaks, or slips. I am confident there wasn't a noticeable breakage or slip.
So, finally, I believe I can stop letting this bother me on a daily basis and hopefully put this behind me.

Thank you for your help.
I mostly wanted to write this down to get an opinion on my thoughts thus far, and also to have it written so I could re-read it if I have fleeting concerns again.

[Heather]

All looks sound and factual to me! Well done, you.

And you're certainly welcome. Sounds, though, like you might be able to use some help detaching yourself from all of this, like stepping away from her Facebook, for instance?

[mrmoore]

Hey there, I thought I'd give an update..

So you were right. All is fine!

The baby came very very early- 3 or 4 weeks early, which was nice because then I didn't have to spend the entire summer worrying if it was late or something.

Paternity test was done with the guy she "knew" was the dad, and it was him.

So, going forward I know that I am not comfortable with one night stands- or really anything else sexual outside of a relationship.

It wasn't worth the worrying for me, not at all. I can finally return to giving my 100% to my goals with no lingering doubts.
Thank you so much for your help here at Scarleteen.... This site was hands down the only thing online that made me feel better because it is a reputable site with advice tailored to my situation.
So thank you thank you!

[Karyn]

Glad to hear you're feeling better, and that you've got a good idea moving forward about what you are and are not comfortable with! (And thanks for the lovely thank you!)

[Heather]

I am so happy to hear you feeling better, and thanks so much for such a beautiful thank you! Made my whole day.