Why is being an independent woman so wrong?

[thinkmcflythink]

Hey there Scarleteen!

I just had a question/wanted some advice on something I've encountered recently. I may add this to the Sexual Politics board once I'm out of newbieville too, but I'm going to go ahead and ask it now also. I'm a 19 year old student at a public university in the United States and there's something I've been encountering lately. I don't notice it so much with my male friends, but my other female friends seem to almost be condescending or rude with me just because I know what I want to get out of my life. At times I feel so much older, just because I figured out myself relatively well and had experiences in high school and childhood that led me to find the right outlet for the talents I was given. I understand that they are just now going through the process of that but it's almost as though they outright hate me for not doing that.

Also, I get asked question about and get verbal jabs because I don't think having children is something that I want to do later on in life. I know this idea goes back to gender roles and many decades of other things but it's 2015, why is that wrong?

Scarleteen, basically I just need some advice on how to handle all of this. Should I maybe start seeking out different friends? How do I approach situations where these questions are asked without offending anyone? How do I get my peers to not feel so intimated just because I have a more clear cut vision of myself and my life than they do? Why are my opinions so controversial?

Thanks,
Miss Independent

[Heather]

When you ask why this is wrong, or why it's controversial, you're probably barking up the wrong tree asking us, because we certainly won't say that women's independence, including the ability to choose not to have children, is wrong or controversial. If you are encountering people who feel differently, alas, only they are going to be able to tell you why they think so (though they probably won't say anything that won't make you feel stabby).

While it's not like it isn't okay for people to find offense at something -- and goodness knows it's just unavoidable sometimes -- when you ask how not to offend people around any of this, it's hard to know how to answer that without having some picture of these conversations, and what these folks are telling or showing you in terms of them feeling offended. Can you fill us in a bit more? Same goes with the bit about people feeling intimidated by you: it'd help to know a bit more about when people are expressing to you they feel that way, and why THEY feel that way.

Of course, if you feel like your friends just don't get you at all, and also can't seem to be supportive of you, then for sure, it sounds like it's time to expand your social circle so that it starts including more people who do get you, are more like you are, or who are at least accepting and supportive of who you are.

[thinkmcflythink]

As far as how these conversations go, for example, I will be talking with a friend about the favorite "what do you want to do with your degree/graduate" topic. My response will usually include something about working at a local publication, then eventually getting experience and applying to more demanding jobs, then moving (as I am currently a journalism major). But I mention mostly career oriented things. I might through in something about sharing my life with someone and potentially getting married.

These "friends" will usually respond to the same question with minimal information about a job and career in comparison, then talk about getting married, having kids, how many they want to have.. blah blah. Then, I'm usually asked, "don't you want children also?" as if they are expecting a yes. When I say no or I don't think so, that's when the bad part comes. I usually end up having to intensely justify why I don't want children. Then they will try to say, "You can't spend your whole life alone, why would you want that?" or "Doesn't having a normal family of your own sound good?"

I usually get those comments because I never had a traditional family growing up and was basically raised by women. Perhaps that's why these conflicts happen to begin with. Usually after that point, though the whole conversation fades away or just turns even more sour. Sometimes, I'll get something nasty in response. Other times, we won't even be discussing that particular topic and (I'm thinking of one particular female friend) who will either get really excited for me when something happens, like one of my articles getting published, or will turn sour and say something like "well at least you've found your passion." Then I usually don't know what to say afterwards.

[Heather]

As my partner likes to say, that sure sounds like a bucket full of suck.

By all means, it sounds to me like you could stand to make some new friends who are more like-minded. Even if you keep some of your existing social circle, just rounding it out so it doesn't feel like you vs. everybody, and you have some people in it you know are supportive and get you should make a big difference.

I'd also suggest that if you really care about any of these friends, you talk about this, letting them know you feel really unsupported in these areas, and not only does that feel crummy, it also obviously isn't likely to help maintain or build your friendships. Have you yet tried talking with anyone about this, letting them know how you feel, perhaps setting some limits together around some of this?

I'd certainly say that anyone who is downright nasty with you, about anything, is probably someone to just cut out of your life altogether. Some people may feel like someone wanting something radically different than they do threatens them and what they want, but if and when people feel that way, they should be able to manage those feelings without being a jerk to anyone. Bu regardless of the why of anyone's nastiness, I don't think that's something to rationalize, just something to do what you can to get away from.

P.S. Bless you for majoring in journalism! The state of journalism in the world is a sad, sad thing, and I'm someone who often worries that journalism as we know it -- per things like ethics, a care for facts, and a real quality of writing -- is a dying thing, and I always very much hope that's not true.

[thinkmcflythink]

Heather,

Yes, I have discussed the issue with a few of my friends. Ones who feel that way as well as others who do not. I even talked about it with my mom (we're basically best friends and extremely close). As expected, I've gotten mixed reviews. Most appreciate my opinion regardless, but a few act if they don't know how to respond to what I'm saying and are not very supportive. One of my closest friends, who I met during freshman college orientation actually, has decided to not talk to me for awhile. I gave her some "tough love" on why she shouldn't drop out of college and should be willing to experience other things and maybe date other people before she marries her current and only boyfriend. Dealing with that has been a little rough for me, as you can imagine.

Others are extremely supportive and have even given me anecdotes about things their parents or family members have said about the subject, which has been helpful. My mom also has been very supportive and always says that she's so proud because I'm a first generation student and the first person in my entire family to go to a four year and beyond institution.

So overall, it's been quite a mixed bag so far.

Thank you for saying that about journalism! I can assure you that myself and many others are working to change that. I see so many of my friends here that are extremely talented at what they do, whether that be writing (my specialty), taking photos, filming and editing, designing or a mix of all of those. I can't wait to see the things everyone will go on to do once they graduate. Thank you for paying attention to and reading the news!