Relationships

[Breeze1892]

Just want to get people's opinions on teenage relationships. It all started when I talked to a friend about being in a relationship and how I was rejected by a girl and he tells me I only wanted to date her just to have sex with her, an accusation that's totally wrong. Tried convincing him otherwise and I gave reasons but he still stuck with the fact the notion that it was all about sex.

I overheard a conversation in class today and the same thing was said about teenage relationships being about sex. Tried countering them but I lost the argument.

Just seems like since we're basically on a hormonal high everyone thinks the only thing on our minds is sex a thought that I think should be disbanded.

Just wanna know are teenage relationships just about sex or can teenagers be in relationships without sex being the motive.

[Heather]

Well, you know the answer to the last question already because you started by talking about your friends! By all means, people of every age are potentially capable of a range of different relationships -- platonic friendships, family relationships, romantic relationships, sexual relationships, too. You'll rarely meet the adolescent whose only relationships are those which are only sexual.

Too, adolescents aren't actually "on a hormonal high." More realistically, what's happening chemically is that the hormone levels you'll have for a lot of adulthood are getting their groove on. It's not like once puberty is over, those chemical changes go away or stop. Most of what people are really talking about when they're talking this way (assuming they know that, and for sure, some don't) is more about how dizzying it can be to adjust to those chemical changes as they're happening, that's all. Also, you've got some complex brain development going on, to boot.

But none of this makes adolescents somehow incapable of love, or only focused on sex. That's just not even remotely factual.

Lastly, I'd remember that your friend is one person. Same goes with some people in a class. That's not everyone, that's still a very small, select group of people. I assure you, everyone does not thinks this way. Any idea why you're giving him so much authority, especially given that he's made pretty clear to you he's talking from a place of ignorance?

You might find this piece a comfort: Love Letter.

[Heather]

(Btw, do you need any help learning to set limits and walk away from friends talking like yours was? After all, sounds like you were looking for emotional support, and he made clear from the start he wasn't going to give it to you. )

[Breeze1892]

Thanks Heather.

Like you said, adolescents are capable of having different forms of relationships and it just feels like since most of the time we most likely get lost in the euphoria of being "in love" and forget the obvious things thus making everyone think there's an ulterior motive to everything that happens in the relationship.

According to the article you asked me to read, you said a person's definition of love changes over time and we start to define being in love and loving someone in terms favorable to us so I'm asking shouldn't people be allowed to decide for themselves if they're in love and not allow society to dictate the genuineness of their romantic relationships because it seems like everyone thinks we're all expected to act this way and not do otherwise.

Also in your article you mentioned people mistaking being in love for lacking love. That is something I think occurs mainly when people are defined by what society tells them to believe. People are made to believe that once you get a "buzz" in your stomach and you feel happy you're in love which is my opinion is nonsense.

As much as people get the sense of contentment within them when they think they're in love with someone it just most times feels to me like they want it to happen so they look past the obvious and feel that their own want must be satisfied before they're happy, a case that I think is most evident in abusive relationships and the inability of the people within the relationship especially the victims to let go of each other.

Like you said most of the things I've heard are within a small group of people and as such they can't be the same for everyone but I'm of the opinion that if people get to define their own meaning of love without mincing words and not acknowledging that most of the things that we see are superficial and are what we subconsciously want for ourselves just to feel happy they would be able to make reasonable decisions based on what they really want and not what they feel that they want.

About setting limits with people, I've never been one to assert my feeling so most times I get ridden over by people. Don't know if I'm the culprit as I seems to always set myself up as an easy target so everyone gets to take a shot at me or the fact that I might be called rude and not heeding someone else's advice.