Scarleteen

Hi everyone,

So I just finished my first year at uni, and although I've had a great year and made some amazing friends, I also spent a large portion of the year idolising people instead of going out there and making friends with them. So for example - there's this group of people who I have a lot in common with but was too intimidated to ever go up to them, as I saw them as this perfect, cool, older group of people with perfect politics, humour, taste in things etc (another reason why I wanted to be friends with them was because they seemed to be the only group of LGBT people I really got on with at uni, and I really wanted to have a queer circle of friends). I realise now that all the times I spent waiting for them to come to me and being nervous, I must've just looked really hostile and cold.

So my question is...how can I stop idolising people to the extent where I'm too scared to actually make friends with them? I'm a really shy, quite introverted person so I find it difficult to show people "who I really am" (without sounding too pretentious lmao) when I don't really know them. Any fellow shy people have any tips? When I go back to uni this autumn I wanna make an effort with this group, but they're for the most part quite loud and extroverted which intimidates me, and the people who aren't are just settled into the group so they're comfortable. Any advice would be appreciated

Hey Samara- I definitely feel where you are coming from, it can be really difficult to be comfortable and let people get to know you when you are intimidated by them. I've been pretty shy in a lot of situations in my life, and also had this same frustration, realizing my shyness just came off as being aloof- and what I've figured out is that sometimes it just takes a little more time for me to connect with people, but if I put concerted effort into it, over time I've been able to be close to people who originally intimidated me.

The more you are around people, the more chances you have to let them see who you are, and connect and relate over shared experience, interests and values- even if your personality isn't one that immediately jumps out at people. Sharing interests/activities is a great way to bond with people, so inviting a potential friend to an event that you both are interested in, or finding clubs or group around your interests- like LGBT identities- can be a great way to get to know people and have opportunities to engage with them. Its also really important to work on ignoring the part of yourself that says these people are better/more interesting/smarter that you and don't want to hear what you have to say. If they are at all worthwhile to have as friends then they will definitely be interested in what you have to say!

And also, I've often found that there really wasn't much friendship potential with people I once thought were so great. I think sometimes its easy to think people are really cool from the outside and then realize maybe you don't actually have a connection once you spend more time with them. The other thing about friendship is you really can't force it, and i think like romantic relationships, friendships can be about timing.