Is sex for the first time always bad ?

[DarkLady]

Okay then, I'm a twenty year old trans woman who is only really just starting out in her transition because of all the things that have been going on with me and my gender identity I have never really focused much on dating and relationships. Because of this I don't have much experience with sex but one thing I have noticed is how people particularly women (maybe men do this too I just don't hear them saying it) always feel let down the first time they have had partnered sex.

Among the things they say is that sex really doesn't live up to their expectations, that it's awkward and uncomfortable. I've heard one person say she expected it to be a life changing experience and then felt like it was nothing and that she didn't really know what she wanted from sex in the first place. I have never heard one person say they had a first time they actually enjoyed. This kinda worries me because I've never had sex with partner will me being inexperience mean it will be a let down for both of us. If so what would be the best course of action to take the first time a person had sex with a partner so that it's not a disaster or that experience is disappointing ?

[Heather]

Like almost anything else in life, how sex of any kind is the first time -- or the 901st time -- varies widely.

But for sure, a lot of people's ideas about how sex with a partner will be are awfully out of whack, and often not based on the realities of our bodies and interactions with people in real life. On top of that, a lot of people walk into sex as something new -- as we do with most things brand new to us -- not realizing that like anything else, something being off-the-charts in all respects is much more likely with time and practice than the first time at bat, as it were. On the whole, I'd say my sense is that people who have more realistic expectations, and who also are just looking at this as a process, an adventure, as something to explore, tend to come away from it feeling more satisfied, even when first experiences are clumsy, awkward, or don't result in things like orgasm.

And by all means, there are plenty of people -- of all genders -- who found their first times (with a range of kinds of sex, including intercourse) enjoyable. If you haven't heard anyone report that to you yet, know that that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

So, my best advice would be to look at what you've heard here and recognize the common themes, like people expecting one time of rubbing bodies together (or any time!) to radically change their whole life. Making sure your expectations are realistic is a biggie. Same goes for knowing that if any kind of sex ever is uncomfortable -- and sometimes it will be, again, like anything else with our bodies or emotions -- that's something to communicate about to partners so that y'all can explore adjustments to change that. A whole lot of people stay mighty mum during sex, which is just about the surest way to make sure it sucks.

Would you like some links to some of our content about all of this?

[DarkLady]

I would love some links that discuss more about this, thank you.

Thank you for your answer

[Heather]

You're so welcome. Here are a few I think are best starts with this, and by all means, feel free to pop back if you want to talk more after looking at them!

• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Is THAT All There Is?
• Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals
• Yield for Pleasure

(Too, you may find that some of the info in some of this is a bit murky in its application per being trans, so if you need me to make any translations -- no pun intended, though it is a good one! -- for you, I'm glad to do that. Figuring out how to make some of this information feel like a best fit for everyone in all our diversity is a perpetual work in progress.)

[Heather]

I want to also add that in my experience, one of the biggest players in sexual disappointments with first times is heteronormativity. Given your profile, that's one big thing you probably don't have to worry about and won't find is an issue for you.

[Keda]

In the interest of balancing your experiences slightly, I really enjoyed the first time I had sex. And I've enjoyed it almost every time since, too, with cis and trans people of a variety of genders. Of course a significant amount of that is luck: anyone can end up having a bad sexual experience due to things out of their control, but the stuff Heather's talking about - especially communication - makes a big difference, and makes even the times when things go wrong a lot easier.

[DarkLady]

Thank you Keda for sharing your experience maybe my first time will be enjoyable after all and thank you Heather for those links I've already read some and will come back if I have any more questions-I especially liked the piece 'is THAT all there is' gave me a different perspective on the whole thing then what I have heard before has.

[Heather]

I strongly suspect we had much more relaxed, humane expectations of sex in the 1980's.