my vagina is broken

[tos3]

So, I haven't been on here in a while, and my story has unraveled some.
For those who don't know, I was raped last summer, by a person I had previously had intercourse with (only one time, and nothing after the rape) She is a pre-op trans woman, and I lost my virginity to her very painfully, with lots of blood and feelings of guilt. The rape had no bleeding, and it's only been recently since I've been able to use tampons without having flashbacks.

I saw a doctor and she tested me, said I did not have vaginismus, because she inserted her whole finger inside and I didn't seize up. I've been bleeding when I masturbate, and I can't fit anything near the shape or size of a penis. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been feeling lots of guilt and shame for hurting myself over my sexuality, for still wanting sex even though I know it will hurt me. I feel right in the inside, on the bottom, a place that hurts when I touch it. It hurts, too, when I bleed masturbating. I told someone at school and she said that I was disgusting, that I was obsessed with a boy because I thought of him when I did that.

I want to have sex. All kinds, including vaginally penetrative. But is this the best thing for me right now? What can I do to stop my physical pain, as well as what I'm feeling emotionally? How can I masturbate without feeling guilty or making myself bleed?

[Heather]

Have you followed up with any more sexual healthcare since that one visit? If not, that is the right next step.

Too, have you connected with anyone for post-assault counseling? If not, would you like help finding that kind of care?

[tos3]

I did the ASKST and they told me to trim my nails. I did, and I haven't been bleeding as much. I had a pelvic exam and they didn't find anything wrong with me.

I have an individual therapist as well as a psychiatrist, but they have to deal with all my other mental health problems, and post-assault counseling was put on the backburner after we tried it one session and I had a really bad flashback.

[Heather]

Do you mean our text service? If so, I meant in-person healthcare. We cannot provide healthcare in any of our services, which the disclaimer at the bottom of every page of the site makes clear.

When you had that pelvic exam, did you ask them about having bleeding with masturbation? If so, what did they say about that? Did they run any tests?

With the post-assault counseling, was that through a provider or organization who expressly does that kind of help for survivors? Or was this via one of your existing mental healthcare providers? If it was the latter, was that a person who has education and experience with counseling sexual assault survivors?

[tos3]

Yeah, the text service.

I don't remember. I was testing for STDs and pregnancy, and it came out negative.

It was via my existing mental healthcare providers. My psychiatrist is an expert in PTSD and my individual therapist works with lots of kids like me, though not necessarily all survivors.

[Heather]

So, perhaps you can ask one or both of your mental healthcare providers for a recommendation for an individual provider or organization whose specialty IS in post-assault counseling?

If you don't remember what the sexual healthcare provider said, I'd suggest calling them to ask. I just can't know how to move forward with you with this from here without knowing what they found and suggested, which is going to be the best information, since they have been able to examine you in person.