Feelings for a teacher

[Maddybob1]

I am in love with my teacher.
Like honest to god, i am in love with her, and its so unhealthy. I'm 16, and i'm a lesbian, and i know there is no chance in hell ever that she would ever find me attractive of course, like its not like i want to date her or anything like that (like if she came onto me, I'd be freaked out and terrified). I'm not kidding myself that she and i would ever happen or anything like that, but i am attracted to her. And I find myself doing more and more extreme things to get her attention and when i saw her boyfriend (who works at the school) the other day, i genuinely felt this type of hatred for him,and i'm usually super laid back about stuff like I don't feel hate easily.
I am obsessed with her, i spend so much time thinking about her and I even have dreams about her a lot. I've tried to find ways to stop myself from seeing her in that way, but i can't, i've always understood since I knew i was gay that you can't help who your attracted to but Its going way to far. i can't concentrate in lessons, I have anxiety disorder and even though I am taking sertreline to manage it now, i still feel un able to go to a lot of her lessons because i blush when she talks to me, but at other times i crave her attention and will do ridiculous things to get it.
I have also on a number of occasions felt the need to self harm because I feel so perverted for having feelings for her, and though I have been a self harmer for a long time, its been a very long time since I've felt the need to harm myself because of shame for my sexuality.
I feel like a pervert and a stalker, because shes straight and shes been so nice to me. I almost feel like I'm taking advantage of her by being attracted to her, but i can't stop finding her attractive and i am honestly trying so hard to just get over it, but I can't.
I don"t know what to do, or how to stop feeling like this? How do i manage it?

[Amanda]

Hi Maddybob,

One thing I notice about your message is an overwhelming tone of shame. Certainly your feelings are not considered "socially acceptable," but that is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. EVERYONE has private thoughts that they would not necessarily want others to know about. You might not even be the only one in your class with a huge crush on that teacher! Most people, at some point in their lives, have feelings of attraction--even very strong ones--for people who are considered "off limits" for one reason or another. I definitely have. I think at this point, your focus should be on dealing with the shame you experience--not the feelings you have for your teacher per se, which left alone, are harmless and will eventually fade, especially once you move on in life and are no longer around that teacher. You are not a pervert, and you are not a stalker-- you are human.

Some of your feelings, as you mention, are likely related to shame about your sexuality. Do you know any other queer people with whom you feel safe and supported? Heteronormativity and homophobia can be really damaging to young queer people, as they often internalize these cultural messages and experience feelings of shame and isolation. But having connections and community can help buffer against that. If you're interested, I can add you to the Scarleteen journaling group, and you can journal here on the boards within a private group. Do you think that would help?

Are you currently seeing a counselor at all for your anxiety? If so, have you brought these feelings up with them?

Also, do you currently have any strategies for general anxiety management? Exercise, journaling, art projects, playing with animals, etc. are all amazing for coping with anxiety and achieving greater introspection and inner peace.

[Maddybob1]

Hi amanda,
thank you for responding so quickly! I really do appreciate it.
I would really love to be added to the journaling group, could you tell me a little bit about it and what you do on there? I do have some queer friends, my sisters asexual and I have a ‘online’ friend who I talk to a lot. We have talked about my stuff with this teacher a bit, and she has crushes on some of her teachers too so I know that I’m not the only one. But I just worry that I’m obsessing too much, or I’m taking it too far.

I do see a therapist, and I’ve been seeing her for a long time but I don’t really know how to broach this subject with her. She is really nice, but she’s heterosexual and we have frequently in the past talked about me being gay, but never have we gone into it or talked about attraction or anything like that. She’s a lot older than me, and I think I would get too nervous to talk about it. I’ve talked to a lot of my school friends about finding her attractive, and most of them teese me about it (not in like a crule way) and some of them talk about other teachers they find hot. A little while ago one of my friends started to joke that she found this teacher hot too, and I genuinly got really irritated, that’s why I worry that I’m out of order and being inapropreate and stuff. Idk.

I do have strategies for my anxiety, I’m going to start CBT therapy soon which apparently will give me more. I spend a lot of time with my dog (pathetic as it sounds) and I do a lot of music.

One of the things that makes me feel even worse about having a crush on this teacher, is she’s helped me so much with my anxiety. She has/had anxiety as well, and she’s always looking out for me at school. Sometimes when I can’t go to lessons, and I’m walking round she will go on walks with me, and help me calm down. She’s music teacher, and after we had the music concert last term I had a really bad panic attack and she helped me so much with breathing and stuff, also I was sent to hospital after a bad episode of self harm a little while ago, and because she is so supportive and it happened in school, I felt like I could actually tell her which meant I was able to go and get stitches. I came in a couple of days later, just to give her and my other teacher a thank you card and she hugged me and I honestly felt like such a freak because I’m attracted to her and I feel like I’m taking advantage of how kind she is to me. The other day, we were walking around school after one of my anxiety attacks, and she asked me if I was gay because I’d been talking about my some of the homophobic stuff people had been saying, and when I did tell her I was gay she said how some people are closed minded about these kinds of things, and how she thinks it’s stupid because being gay shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing and said all these lovely and wonderful things. For some reason this made me feel even worse, because she’s being so open minded and I am being the stereotypical lesbian, who has crushes on teachers. That’s exactly why so many people are homophobic, because they fear that gay people are going to find them attractive or obsess over them, and I honestly feel like I’m just enforcing the stereotype and making gay people seem worse.

[Amanda]

I'm really glad to hear you have people you can talk to who care about you and accept you-- a good support system is so important. I'm also glad to hear that you have good self-care strategies (music is so therapeutic!) and that you will be learning more through CBT. (Also, spending time with your dog is definitely not pathetic! My dog is one of my best friends. )

Reagarding your therapist, perhaps try to broach the subject and see what happens? She may surprise you, especially as she is trained to discuss very personal and intimate topics with people, including sexuality, which is among the most important aspects of our lives and our identities. If she is not providing the kind of tone/feedback you need around issues of sexuality, perhaps seek out a new counselor who could do that for you? It seems to me that feeling uncomfortable talking about a very salient aspect of your identity is not entirely productive in a therapy setting. You should be able to bring your whole self into the room when you see a counselor.

Your teacher sounds like a genuinely great person. Someone of this caliber would not, for one second, feel that she was being taken advantage of simply because you had developed feelings of attraction. I'm glad she has been open and affirmative with you about your sexuality-- and it makes me think that she is a truly kind and compassionate person. And people like that care about others, no strings attached, and without judgement. Who knows, she would probably be flattered if she knew how you felt. I know I would be.

I also feel that the internalized homophobia I mentioned earlier is relevant here: straight people are never pressured into acting or feeling a certain way because they don't want to uphold negative stereotypes of straight people--this is the essence of straight privilege. You are you; you do not represent or speak for every lesbian or queer person in the world, and social pressures making you feel like you should or must are total crap, and a symptom of serious social inequalities. Straight people have crushes on teachers too, but it's not attributed to their straightness. The same goes for other marginalized minorities-- they are held to higher standards of behavior, because missteps are attributed to their minority/marginalized group status. AND THAT IS SO WRONG. I hope you can keep this in mind as you navigate the world. You have a right to individuality, and a voice, and crushes, and mistakes, and pride, and everything else, just as much as anyone else. I'm so sad to hear you've been facing homophobia at school. I hope you continue to find ways to make positive connections and persevere.

[Amanda]

P.S. The journaling group is simply a space where you can post at your leisure, and other people can comment on/engage in conversation about what you write, and you can do the same for them. Still sound like something you would be interested in?

[Maddybob1]

I might try and bring it up, I’m not sure how I could, but I will try. I’ve actually been thinking about stopping seeing the councilor who I see at the moment, because I’ve seen her for so long I feel like she still see’s me as the person I was when I started sessions with her and I’ve changed a lot since then. I’m quite a self conscious person, so talking about attraction has always been kind of hard for me because I’ve always felt like people will be grossed out. Idk. I have this thing where I blush really easily, and I’m worried I will and I’ll just make a idiot of myself.

The stuff you said about the internalized homophobia, I’ve never considered that before about straight people not having to worry about ‘straight stereotypes.’ It makes a lot of sense looking at it like that and I’ll try to keep that in mind.

I’m defiantly interested in the journaling group, it sounds like a really good idea :3
Thank you so much for all your help and advise, you’ve honestly given me a lot of things to think about.

[Amanda]

I think it would be pretty hard to shock and/or gross out a therapist-- first of all, because they don't see/judge people in that way, second of all because they've heard just about everything. Kind of like doctors with genitals-- after a while they're just not even fazed. But if you feel uncomfortable with her and you have the ability to find someone new, by all means do so!

I added you to the journalists group, so you should be able to see/access it on the Scarleteen Boards main page anytime.

I'm so glad I could help. Take care!