Scarleteen

Specifically 1) painful penetrative vaginal sex, of all kinds; and 2) loss of [pleasurable] sensation. Worth noting that this is mostly retrospective; I don't currently participate in partered sex. Excuse the essay to follow.

1) I have discovered in the last six months or so that I experience varying degrees of pain from most forms of vaginal stimulation. A bit lot of background: As a child/adolescent, my primary method of masturbation was rubbing my vulva against pillows or my bed and contracting my pelvic muscles while fantasizing; after I hit puberty and fell for the notion that females should derive pleasure from vaginal penetration, I attempted manual vaginal stimulation briefly before realizing I got little out of it and returning to my typical methods. Once I properly discovered my clitoris, I really decided my vagina was pointless . I eventually discovered blended orgasms, and my relationship vagina became much more friendly.
Fast forward four years or so --this past fall/winter, I decided that I wanted to have penetrative vaginal sex with a guy I'd been "seeing" long-distance, so I started experimenting with pushing one finger deeper - which was neither painful nor particularly pleasurable - and inserting multiple fingers - which ranged from uncomfortable to painful, but the bad sensation was localized to the outer area. I went home for Thanksgiving break and had a pleasant first playtime with the guy, including oral and manual sex. I was fine when he used one finger, but two was painful, so I asked him not to do that. (He made the comment later that afternoon that he wasn't sure when we would be able to have sex because I was very tight -- apparently the smallest woman he'd been with -- which made me uncomfortable and may have contributed to later stress. I eventually requested that he not say that I was tight (which he tended to mutter when he was aroused and fingering me) because it made me uncomfortable, and he promptly complied, albeit after attempting to reassure me that most people thought it was a good thing. When I returned during winter break, we met up again. There was plenty of foreplay, but even so I found just one finger to be too much. We moved on to oral sex, after which we attempted PIV. Which was on the spetrum between uncomfortable and painful (two out of three things I'd promised myself my first time wouldn't be ). I was long process of starting, ouching, stopping, "Are-you-okay's," "I think so's," letting me work through my emotions, breathing, kissing, starting over, ouching, stopping, "What would you like," "What would you like," starting over... I was okay when he was doing shallow strokes, with what I would assumed was primarily the head of his penis, but when he tried to push further, it felt like he was hitting a wall. The more he pressed, the more discomfort and eventually pain I felt. It got to the point where he just pressed in close and made a short thrusting motion to push through the tough spot. As we proceeded with intercourse, I was aware of the fact that the tough spot was essentially a ring that felt closed too tight; it was painful in that area, but on either side of it, I was mostly just uncomfortable (worth noting at this point that my male partner had a rather large penis, both in terms of length and girth, so I chalked the general discomfort up to just having never had something that large inside me). We had sex several more times during my break, but not one occasion was completely pain free, though the degree of pain greatly lessened over time. Typically, the initial insertion would hurt, and after a couple minutes I would be mostly fine. If we started out with me on top, it was least painful; missionary was the worst position. Even the time where I was making-a-mess-of-the-sheets wet, there was pain during insertion, so I'm not sure that it's an arousal issue.
Fast forward to the past three months of post-intercourse solo exploration I've discovered two related things: 1) That "ring" I feel activates when I contract my pelvic muscles; 2) That "ring" also contracts involuntarily when I stimulate my clitoris. So my conclusion is that a decade of pseudo-kegels has produced a lot of tone in my vagina, which probably was the cause of my wonderful solo orgasms and my penetrative-sex pain, and that the more I play with my clit or the more aroused I am, the tighter those muscles contract, and the more I increase the likelihood that penetration will be painful. I researched female pelvic anatomy, particularly that of the internal clitoris, and it seems like there's tissue around the entrance of the vagina that swells to close it tighter and "cuff" the penis, which is supposed to result in more pleasure but for me seems to be causing pain.
Post-intercourse, I've noticed a decrease in the strength of my orgasms (which it's worth noting I could not acheive at all during the three weeks I was with my guy, the first time in my life I've ever done a sexual thing and not come from it) and my ability to "kegel," so I think it kind of stretched/weakened those muscles. I've been slowly working to remedy this, but I a little afraid that it's going to make intercourse painful again.

I realize there's really no question posed, but any advice for reducing pain, recovering orgasm quality, or similar stories to show I'm not alone would be appreciated.

2) Since I wrote an essay for the last point, I keep this on brief. During my play sessions last fall/winter, I realized that I "lose" sensation in my genitals fairly quickly. One moment, I'm enjoying my lover's tongue or penis, and two minutes later, I feel very "meh" about the whole thing. Especially when he's inside me and I try to stimulate my clitoris: I feel "nothing" -- at best, I feel like I'm rubbing my nose, at worst it hurts. I've read that a decrease in clitoral sensitivity is actually a sign of increased arousal, but it happens so quickly that I'm not sure that this is what is happening, and it puts a damper on the mood regardless.

Again, no real question in the above, but any advice or commentary is welcome.


This has all been bothering me for a while, and I really just needed to share

Have you yet taken the first step with all of this and consulted a sexual/reproductive healthcare provider?

Also, with masturbation or a partner, when you are engaging in any of these kinds of sex, what is your sexual desire and arousal like? Are you feeling very turned on and emotionally excited? It doesn't sound like you are, and that is likely a very big player in all of this.

I have not had the chance to. I'm currently at university, and doctor's appointments here are a 15 minute, cursory affair, so a waste of my time as far as I'm concerned. In my hometown, my primary care provider is excellent, but quite hard to get a hold of. And when I requested a full pelvic exam after becoming sexually active, I was told that they did not provide them to women under 21 (I was nearly 20 at the time).

Yes, I am turned on. Sometimes moreso than others, either when partnered or solo. In fact, the vast majority of my solo exploration takes place after I've had an orgasm. When partnered or solo, it sometimes takes me a little while to settle my thoughts enough to relax and get into things; I'm a bit of an overactive thinker in most aspects of my life, so this issue is not unique to sexual situations. And as I mentioned, when partnered, the problem persists regardless of my being aroused

Hi MsBee,

Want to pass this along to you while you are waiting for Heather to get back to you: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... hould_i_do
This person experienced pain and difficulty with insertion. The articles it links to are great as well, especially Demystifying Painful Intercourse for your concerns.

Also, if you doctor is not accessible and willing to provide care you need I would suggest a change! Even though 21 is the age recommended for a first time pelvic exam, you should certainly be able to get one if you need to rule out any medical conditions.

Can I ask where you're at in Washington? I ask because there are some fantastic providers I could recommend in and around the Seattle area if you're in Western Washington.

It also sounds like perhaps some of this might be about being a bit stuck in your own head. Can I ask if you've tried doing what works for you to get your head all-in the game, so to speak, before any sexual activity, and if you have found that makes a difference for you?

Thanks Ashleah. I read the article you posted, and while I do share some issues with the girl who mailed in, I don't feel fear or nervousness when I explore myself; I'm usually quite calm and relaxed because I've just had an orgasm. I'm very comfortable with handling my body in general. For clarifiction, I can insert some things - a single finger is fine, sometimes two is comfortable, and I used tampons for almost the entire time I was menstruating (I'm on a bc that stopped my periods ~1.5 years ago).

Heather, when I stay on the westside, I'm with my parents in the Olympia/Lacey area. I'm also not sure how easy it would be for me to change providers as my insurance is TRICARE; they already only provide partial coverage for me at university.
The easiest way for me to get out of my head is to focus on what's happening to my body, so the two usually happen in tandem; I really only "don't think" when I can't because something else is more distracting.

Okay: and when you do that -- when you really do what you can to focus on physical sensations -- does that help? Or does that also shuttle you into analyzing what is happening physically?

Based on your profile, I was guessing Olympia (in the good way!). I'm getting the feeling that this, as most pleasure-based sexual issues are, is probably something more psychological than physical. By all means, I'd advise having a sexual healthcare visit with someone who is willing to give you a bimanual exam. Your PCPs policy is unusual for someone expressing they are having a vaginal or vulval pain issue, so it's probably just a matter of asking them to refer you to an OB/GYN, which is ideal for sexual healthcare anyway, particularly since most GPs won't have any training or education with sexuality or sexual pain issues. But if you can make that happen, and they don't see any physical cause, I'd say your next step is a therapist or counselor who provides sex therapy. Here's a good listing of some in the Olympia area: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ ... ia&spec=17

That's not a have-to, by the way. Not everything feels good to every body or person, so from where I'm sitting, just focusing on what DOES feel good and not doing what doesn't for now would be a perfectly reasonable, and common, solution. But it sounds like you're not satisfied with that and want to do some investigating around this, so if so, that GYN exam and then -- again, if they don't find a physical issue -- some sexual therapy is probably your best route.

For that GYN exam, if you need a referral per your insurance, this clinic is probably a good choice: https://www.waitingroomsolutions.com/li ... id=1832451

Does it help with the pain? No, not when partnered, and I've mostly given up on using multiple fingers solo because one is more than sufficient, so there's no pain in that situation. I do analyze I guess, but I don't necessarily consider that bad: in general, I'm either enjoying what's happening, so I don't analyze; or something's not working/is uncomfortable and I'm analyzing what's off - angle, depth, position, whatever - so I can figure out what would make me feel better.

As far as the issue being psychological, I would say most likely not, or at least if it were, it's very subconscious. After the issue presented itself, we would always start off with just shallow strokes - which I loved, but I also really like the filled, connected feeling of complete penetration - and gradually [try to] move deeper. I wanted more; it was my body that wasn't so keen on the idea. After a point I become a little hesistant; it was extremely frustrating to want something emotionally and physically, but know that one part of my body was going to react with pain.

Okay, so I stand by my suggested plan of:
First: a GYN exam, from an OB/GYN (not a GP).
Second (if they find nothing): Counseling or therapy if you want it.

Got what you need from us to get started on that first step?

Btw, I asked a colleague who is also in the PNW about the refusal you experienced, since we seem to be hearing more and more of those in the states. She then asked around some more in her circles, and what it seems most likely the deal was with that (assuming you were clear you were having pain you wanted looked into) was that:
a) Your healthcare provider may have meant they did not think your insurance would cover that exam, and/or
b) Your healthcare provider thought you were asking for a pap smear, expressly and only, in which case they said that because the current standard for paps -- not all bimanual exams -- is to only start them at 21. In the event you did not make clear you were having pain with sex, the current standard would also not support a bimanual exam (for patients having no such issues).

Just wanted to fill you in in case you wanted to try going back to your GP rather than going elsewhere.

B was definitely the case, and yes I think I've got what I need. Thanks!