I Want to be More Than Just a Sex Toy

[thinkmcflythink]

Hey Scarleteen!

Sorry I've been posting pretty frequently lately, I've been having a pretty difficult time for the past month. With basically everything. I was in a Friends With Benefits relationship for a short time, that worked perfectly for me. Apparently it wasn't the same way with the guy. He wasn't enjoying it and said it was awkward. He was also concerned that he would hurt me emotionally too much. I've talked a bit about my sexual anxiety on here and I didn't want to burden him with that. We also have to work together soon and didn't want to be doing those things then, because it would damage our credibility.

However, I think I discovered I want to be more than someone's sex toy, which is exactly what I felt like in this scenario. I often feel like I have no one on my team and it would be nice to have someone who's committed and willing. I also think that it would maybe help with my sexual anxiety if I could find someone that is understanding and there to help me through it. It seems like I pick the wrong type of guys or something. I've had this happen a few times. How exactly do I go about finding guys that are up for some type of a commitment, even if it is a really lax one? I'm in college and finding that isn't the easiest thing ever. How do I shift my thinking from a casual relationship to something more serious? How do I weed out the guys that just want to have sex and screw around from the ones that want love? I'm tired of getting hurt and being ashamed.

[Jacob]

Hey thinkmcflythink,

It really sucks to feel that way, I'm wondering if there might be more to this. I'm hearing he said he left you because he wasn't comfortable, and because maybe he felt he was hurting you.

I'd say, unless you expressed to him you were feeling hurt, then that's a misplaced concern for him... but it is still concern. A clumsy way of caring for someone, but I wouldn't say it'd be the words of someone who sees you as 'just a sex toy'. It's remains an issue, but it could be about more than who you choose to date.

Were there other things in the relationship which made you feel uncared for? Or objectified?

Because I think if some of that is clearer for you, it's something you can so find, it might just take patience, and a good bit of communication, but the better you know what you're looking for, the easier it is to see when it starts happening.

Also, just to clarify, it sounds to me like you are looking for something where that caring and commitment is there, where it's also felt, but where you're still only looking for a sexual thing, rather than being a monogamous couple, unless you find it's a compromise you'd have to make, in order to feel that commitment. Or have I misread you?

[Heather]

I'd also add that the best way to find what we're looking for in relationships is to be as clear and direct as possible with people about what we're looking for, and not to compromise very much with whatever that is. It's also really important not to send mixed messages. For example, if and when we agree to something casual, but that's not what we really want, people are going to soundly assume we must want something casual, and won't know we want something different (especially if we're not saying we do!).

So, if what you want is something committed, something based in the pursuit of developing love, then before you get involved with someone sexually, you tell them that and ask if they want that, too. If not, then you don't get involved with them and you keep looking for those who want what you do, and that person does the same. You weed out the people who want something different by, again, asking what they want and telling them what you do, and only moving forward when your wants are in alignment.