I love him so much but...

[hockey74]

I'm really in a tough situation and I really don't have anyone in my life to ask advice from.

I have a very good friend who I met a few years ago in college. We're pretty close and our friendship has always involved some degree of physical intimacy (hugging, holding hands, cuddling, napping together, etc.). He is very sweet and gentle and he's told me so many times how much he cares about me. I trust him and I love having him as a friend.

Lately (the last 3 months or so...) I've been feeling something more akin to romantic love for him and I really want to be with him in a way that's more than the friendship we share. But the problem is that I'm asexual and he is not. He knows I'm asexual and he's very accepting and respectful of my orientation, and I've talked to him once about if he'd ever seen our relationship as anything beyond just friends. He never really gave me much of a direct answer, but from the few things he said, I have a feeling that we would be together if I wasn't asexual.

It's really gotten to the point that I'm willing to make almost any kind of sacrifice to be with him - that is, if we were together and he wanted to have sex, I would be willing to try. I'm 21 and I've never had sex before, never had any kind of desire to with anyone. And I don't desire him, but if it would mean we could be together, I would want to.

I don't know if this is okay or not, and I don't know how to talk to him about it. I really am just very confused and worried and feeling a lot of intense things and I just don't know what to do.

[Heather]

Hey there, hockey.

I feel like if and when we are thinking about making big sacrifices, or doing things we do not really want to do, right from the front, for a relationship - for example: I will leave my kids, move my whole life, have sex I do not want, empty my bank account - that is a pretty good clue that it is not likely right for us. Especially if and when there isn't even a relationship yet, when it is just what you feel you would have to do to even get a chance at one.

In relationships that are right for us, we should not have to have any kind of sex when that is not what we want for ourselves, whatever the reason is that we don't want it.

I wonder if you might take a few minutes, and try and picture the kind of relationship in your head and heart that would feel really right for you, including being a fit with your orientation, and not asking you - or anyone - to basically give sex as a way to try and earn love, commitment or someone's interest; as some kind if exhacnge for something else. Can you do that? If so, what do you picture?

[hockey74]

Hi Heather, thanks for replying...

If I could have my ideal relationship with this person, it would be much like the relationship we have now, but monogamous, I would like us to live together at some point, and with more intimacy(?) There are things I feel like I'm not allowed to do with him, or even ask to do with him, because I believe those things should only be reserved for a true partner. I want to kiss him, for example, I want to touch his chest and his tummy and I want to caress his neck. Physical intimacy like this, it doesn't turn me on, but I feel a very deep mental and emotional calmness and happiness...does that make sense? I know it's hard for people to understand... Other people I think see almost any kind of physical intimacy as a sexual act, and I don't. It's no secret that he's attracted to me - there is a definite one-sided tension, and I don't want to like...turn him on (by accident) and then refuse to have sex with him. That would make me feel bad... What's more - and even more important, I think - is I want him to be in my life in other ways than he already is. I want to be WITH him, I want us to be together, I want to do pretty much everything other couples do, minus sex.

I feel like I've internalized a lot of hatred and doubt from the things doctors and therapists and really just people in general, have told me. Almost everyone acts like it's impossible to be asexual, that it's some kind of disease or I'm just afraid of intimacy (which makes me lol a little bit to be honest). But therapists have told me this, over and over, I've heard this from many therapists and for many years, since I first realized I was "different" some 7 or 8 years ago. Nearly every time I've disclosed my orientation to someone, they've completely denied it, or laughed at it, or become verbally abusive, or have told me I must be broken and someone needs to "fix" me. They treat me like I'm abnormal and that any kind of romantic feelings I have for someone are invalid ("If you truly were in love with someone, you'd want to have sex with them", that sort of thing). I had a therapist once who told me I should experiment before I call myself asexual, and I did, I tried to force myself to be straight, and when that didn't work, I tried to force myself to be gay, and there was a lot of tears and self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy involved...

My sister suggested I try to find other asexual people, but the reality is that the pool of potential partners is extremely limited. I've tried. There just aren't many asexual people at all. And I can't just fall in love with someone just because they happen to be asexual...

[Heather]

Not with this person, I meant in general. With someone where you feel like you ARE allowed what you really want, and who you don't know wants something very different than you do. Try again?

By all means, some dating pools are small, like for those who are ace, or when you're queer and not living in a major metropolitan area, or when you're over 40, or a single mother, or any number of other examples. But that doesn't mean anyone has to do things they don't want to widen that pool. It just means it can take a little longer to find what you're looking for and is right for you. I totally get that can be frustrating, but frustration is generally a thing people can manage, you know?

And the thing is that for you, as ace, the good news is that finding the kind of relationships you want may actually be easier if you take sexual monogamy off the table. Really, if you don't intend or want a sexual life with someone, what would be the point in asking them not to have one if they wanted one with someone else who wanted the same? How would someone giving you what you want and need in a relationship getting something extra you didn't in another relationship impact you? Just some food for thought.

I agree with you that presenting asexuality as some kind of problem to be fixed, or an insurmountable barrier to intimate relationships is bullshit and usually sue to narrow thinking. So, how about you and I talk a little more with the given that I sure don't feel that way, and don't think you need to, but this may just require some creative thinking, including thinking about different frameworks for relationships than the more common models which really mostly only apply to people who both want - for themselves, not just for a partner because they do - sexual relationships?

[Heather]

I want to add to this that sometimes -- if not often -- we're going to have feelings for someone and it's just not going to be right to pursue them in certain relationships, due to things like the timing just being off, one or both of us already being in other exclusive or already-totally-demanding-of-out-time relationships, or certain life circumstances, like being in the middle of big grief or loss or having no spoons to spare due to serious illness.

That certainly sucks when that happens, and when our feelings are very big and the other person is just awesome, it sucks A LOT. But it happens, and with some frequency, IME. Trying to make something a fit that just really isn't because we want it to be doesn't usually tend to work out well, especially if the relationship we're already in with that person is a good one. That can, in fact, wind up trashing the good kind of relationship we DO have that IS a good fit for everyone involved.

[hockey74]

That's what I ultimately want from a relationship, not just with him. Any ideal relationship that is not friendship would be that way. Imagine what it would be like if you're always second, you're never the most important person in someone's life, you're kind of just there, maybe to be used when there is no sexual partner temporarily or when the sexual partner is away. It's not even worth trying anymore, I should just accept my solitude for what it is...

[Heather]

So, it sounds to me like you're assuming that someone who is NOT in a monogamous sexual or romantic relationships with someone else is always going to come second. If I have that right, why are you assuming that?

Even just speaking for myself in my own life, I know that's sure not true, that somehow all my relationships are ranked in some kind of hierarchy where anyone I'm in a romantic or sexual relationship with automatically trumps everyone else (and suffice it to say, that's a really problematic idea for those of us who aren't in monogamous romantic or sexual relationships). Same goes with the idea that whoever we are having sex with must be the "most important," though again, even ranking anyone "most" like that when we have many people we love in our lives is pretty busted.

Or are you saying that so far, that's been your experience? That all the people in your life who are in those kinds of relationships put you, or others, second to a person they're in a romantic or sexual relationship with? And that anyone else is just someone they call on to "use" when that person isn't available?

[hockey74]

That is exactly my experience and always has been.

[Heather]

I'm heading out for the day, but will be back tomorrow.

If you want to talk more then, come on by! I think, though, if you can, it might help to consider in between that while that has, so far, been your experience (which sucks!), it does not HAVE to be. In other words, that's not a given, that's just how it has been so far, and there are even some things you can do that you probably aren't to help get that turned around.