Does this count as an orgasm?

[namlop]

When your vagina pulsates for a few seconds is that an orgasm, even if it's not that pleasurable? There's no tingling or pleasure or sensation other than feeling contractions.

[Sam W]

Hi namlop,

Just to clarify, is this sensation occurring while you're doing something sexual (either with a partner or on your own)?

[namlop]

Yes, by myself.

[Ashleah]

Hi Namlop,

I think it is hard to say. Orgasms are different for everyone! What you are describing sounds like some of the physical component associated with an orgasm BUT that pleasure piece is important! What that pleasure might feel like is also one of those things that varies from person to person.

Are you feeling aroused prior and during masturbation? And do you have certain expectations for what an orgasm should feel like? During masturbation do you feel distracted or concerned about having an orgasm? A lot of questions but want to figure out if something might be interfering with you experiencing the pleasure component which a lot of times can be the way we think about things.

Also want to share this link: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexua ... sers_guide

It describes orgasms and the stages in details (as well as some great stuff on orgasms and masturbation), can you check it out and see which parts, if any, describe what you are feeling?

[namlop]

I just read that article, I definitely relax after the pulsations, that's why I masturbate despite not feeling much pleasure, to relax before bed

Yeah I think I'm aroused, I think about things until my vagina is warm and puffy.

I do have expectations of what an orgasm should feel like. I expect orgasms to be pleasurable, and the first orgasm I ever had in my life was very pleasurable, I had pleasurable sensations in my hips and buttocks and groin and tingling in my hands and feet.

But I haven't had that kind of pleasure for many years now, despite taking long breaks from masturbation and quitting porn. It's very frustrating because I get really horny but I just can't get any sexual satisfaction

Do you think I might have pleasure dissociative orgasmic disorder? I looked it up and I think I might have it but I wasn't sure if what happens counts as an orgasm or not.

[Heather]

When asking if you might have a health condition or disorder, what you want to do is ask that of an in-person healthcare provider.

Now, to my read, I hear you describing what just sounds like a change in what things feel like for you or what you enjoy and how, which is a constant with sexuality throughout life (how constant and to what degree is very variable, however). Also, "I think I'm aroused," suggests to me that what might be at the root of a lot of this is not being very excited and aroused, not really knowing or going with that turns you on. After all, arousal is a pretty high-key thing, much like, say, feeling scared, so when we're feeling it, it's usually more than a "I think I am," it you follow. Nothing here is sounding unusual to me, and is sounding more like perhaps just kind of letting how of how things used to be or feel, and exploring more of how they feel, or can feel, now.

[namlop]

I say "I think I'm aroused" because for me arousal is a physical thing rather than a mental thing, like I will have a swollen vulva and lubrication, but no pleasure or excitement. So I think I'm aroused, given the physical symptoms. Arousal is not a feeling for me, it's just a physical reaction.

The problem is that there is no feeling now, rather than the feelings being different. Even when my vagina pulsates there's very little pleasure in it.

[Heather]

Okay, so if that's the case, then you have to know that the amount of physical response you will have will be limited. Really, when it all comes down to it MOST of arousal and pleasure is actually about your feelings and emotions, your brain and central nervous system which ten create effects in the other parts of the body, rather than the other way around. Make sense? In other words, there really isn't anyone for whom it is "physical" and not mental. because the mental usually has to come first. That's just not how it works for human beings.

There are some very common reasons that people have issues with arousal and desire from the front -- so again, from that brain and feelings place -- if you're curious. The biggest offenders there are things like generally poor health (including things that may seem unrelated but aren't, like eating well, and getting both enough rest and enough physical activity), depression or anxiety, certain endocrine conditions, sexual shame or fear (including things stemming from any kind of sexual abuse or assault), or performance pressure to be sexual or feel aroused, whether that's coming from partners, peers or oneself. That's just kind of the big-tent list, there's a lot of other smaller things under those umbrellas, but do any of those things sound like players for you?

[namlop]

If it's mental then how come I can get wet down there and have a release (after which I become relaxed), but without the feelings that I used to have which gradually faded? Am I just not aware of the feelings I have when I get the physical reaction?

I understand mental arousal, if a stranger brushes past me then I will have a flurry of arousal pass through me. But if I masturbate and have sexual fantasies then arousal is "looks like I'm getting wet now".

I don't eat junk food very often or mental health issues, I'm not sure about my endochrine system but I have regular periods, ironically the most sexual pleasure I've ever felt was when I was still religious and felt very guilty about masturbating, but I've been an atheist for many years now.

[Heather]

Well, there are a couple possible answers for that.

I'd say the most likely is that you simply aren't recognizing what is going on mentally as arousal, or are perhaps looking for that to emotionally and intellectually feel very different than it does -- does for you, does in general, or both.

The other is that some parts of what you're describing -- like vaginal wetness -- often isn't about sexuality or arousal at all, but about the ways your vagina and vulva do that in relation to fertility cycles and other changes.

But I'm willing to bet the first one -- which you also seemed to reference a little yourself -- is more the issue. Sometimes, people's ideas about what desire, pleasure and arousal emotionally feel like aren't based in realities or in THEIR realities. Does that make sense?

Too, I'd add in that when sex and sexuality are new -- and any taboo being behind them certainly tends to amp them up for a lot of people -- it all DOES tend to often feel way more heady then when it's something we settle more into over time. So, people feeling or experiencing all of this one way in childhood or their early or mid-teens, and finding it all feels or goes very differently come their late teens or twenties is awfully common.

[namlop]

I don't think the vaginal wetness is normal everyday discharge, it's wetness that comes when I rub my clit and look at porn and blood fills my genitals.

If I'm just not recognising my mental arousal, then that must mean my problem doesn't involve difficulties getting aroused?

The problem now is that I've settled into nothing. My feelings aren't different from when I first started, they are non-existent.

[Sam W]

Hi Namlop,

You're right that if some of what you're experiencing has to do with not recognizing what's happening as arousal, then the underlying issue has less to do with getting the feelings to happen and more to do with how you're reacting to those feelings.

I think it can help to take a step back and think about what, exactly, you expect arousal to feel like mentally. How would you describe that?

[namlop]

I think arousal would be feeling turned on, like sensations in stomach, on nipples, clitoris, electric bolts going up limbs, that sort of thing. I have memories of things like that happening.

[Sam W]

Okay, that's still on the physical end in a lot of ways. In those memories you have of those physical things, do you have a sense of what your mind and emotions felt like at the time?

Too, let's take it a step back and talk about pleasure in general. With things (that aren't sex) in your life that you find pleasurable, how do you feel when you engage in those things?

[namlop]

my mind and emotions, well I remember liking what I saw, whether that was porn or someone in real life who I thought was attractive, and imagining them naked. I am submissive sexually so I enjoyed imagining submissive scenarios.

I like listening to music, depending on the kind of music I feel exhilarated or moved emotionally. Running is fun for a little while before the muscle ache kicks in, in a free joyous kind of way.

[Sam W]

Hi Namlop,

Okay, so if you're someone who tends to enjoy being submissive, then there might be some difference in the pleasure you feel (especially mentally) when you masturbate vs with a partner (it can be hard, after all, to replicate having someone dominate you when you're alone). When you've been with a partner, do you tend to experience things closer to the type of pleasure you feel in other moments?

[namlop]

Oh god, well I'm not very sexually experienced but the very few times that I've had sex with someone else I felt nothing at all, I did not get turned on at all. Even when they performed oral sex on me, nothing. I can only get aroused by erotica or porn or my imagination.

I have however masturbated when the guy was done getting his satisfaction.

[Sam W]

Okay, so in those sexual interactions, were you and your partner engaging in stuff where you were able to express your desire to be submissive? Or did that not enter into the interaction?

If it hasn't really come up before, that may be part of why you're not finding yourself particularly turned on. You and your partner are not engaging in stuff that does turn you on. So, as an experiment, the next time you have sex, would you feel comfortable communicating those desires and seeing what happens?

[namlop]

I've told them I like submissive stuff, I've done light bdsm stuff with them, didn't help much at all. I've spent so long masturbating to porn and fantasy that it's the only way I know how to get turned on.

I don't have a sex partner and it's unlikely that I'll get one anytime soon (there are VERY long stretches of time between sex partners where it's just me and my hand) so any pleasure and arousal would have to be self-administered.

[Sam W]

So, between now and when you have your next partner, it might help to work out what about porn/fantasy would be translatable to an actual interaction (certain dynamics, positions, activities, etc).

Too, I think something that might help is to when you are masturbating, start being mindful of how your body and mind are interacting with each other. That way, you can start to get a sense of how mental arousal and physical arousal interact.

[namlop]

Sadly I already tried to re-enact my submissive fantasies in real life with positions/dynamics etc, but like I said, with a real person I just feel nothing, even if I find them attractive. It wasn't always this way I remember getting excited by touching and kissing many years ago, all that's gone now, I didn't have physical contact for many years, just masturbation, and I seem to have lost the ability

Could you recommend any ways to re-introduce pleasure in masturbation? Rather than just feeling relaxation after an orgasm I would like to feel pleasurable sensations along with that.

[Sam W]

Hi namlop,

I think something that might help with masturbation, and be translatable to partnered sex, is to do some experimentation or exploration of your body and what you do and do not find pleasurable. That be just taking your time and trying out new motions, positions, or sensations (and some people find that introducing sex toys into the mix helps as well).

[namlop]

But I've tried everything when I've masturbated! I've stimulated every part of my body in different ways, I've read masturbation guides, I've tried vibrators

But I've never been able to get the feeling back to a good level.

I'm just so frustrated I want to have sexual pleasure again.

[Sam W]

I want to take a little detour here to ask, is this kind of dissatisfaction or decrease in pleasure happening elsewhere in your life?

[namlop]

I haven't noticed a decrease in pleasure in any other part of my life.

I have been reading this: http://www.epostersonline.com/rcog2013/?q=node/1878

And it could be something that I could try, pleasureless orgasms are so frustrating.