Scarleteen

Dear Scarleteen,

I have realized that I still have a lot of anxiety issues when it comes to sexual activities. I was in a relationship a few years ago where I was partner assaulted and emotionally abused. I have come a long way in terms of overcoming anxiety, but I still have a long way to go. I find myself obsessing and worrying over minimal chances of potential pregnancy, even though I am on an oral contraceptive and always remember to take it correctly. I read your article on pregnancy risks and I am definitely the type of person who basically builds up a bomb shelter of contraceptive methods. I usually require at least three methods and a failed pregnancy test to feel safe, even for like a two percent risk. I know that doing this puts a damper on basically all activities for everyone involved, especially me. The truth is, I don't know when I'll ever feel comfortable and not worry. I want to be able to have sex and do those things, but my anxiety holds me back. I have been in sexual situations where I literally burst into tears because I couldn't handle it emotionally.

How do I start to work through these issues so that being sexual isn't something that keeps me up at night making sure that I am "okay?" Would seeing a counselor help me? If so, how can I find those services and what type of counselor should I be looking for? How do I get my sexual partner and family to understand my pain without thinking that I am crazy, so I don't have to hide it anymore?

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, thinkmcflythink. The good news is that there is hope!

Yes! Seeing a counselor can help, and cand help a lot. If you don't know how to find one we are more than happy to help you start the process if you want to. I would say that the best option is to look for someone with experience with survivors of violence. That can make a difference.

Saddly there's no way you can control the reactions of your family and your partner around this. That depends only on them. But, what I can tell you is that you are not crazy, regardless of what they might think/say or the way they react. Your feelings are real and valid and deserve the time and energy to pay attention to them. You can try to explain and even educate those around you but still, is up to them how they react.

So, do you want any help finding those resources?

Yes! I would love help finding a counselor! The university I attend actually has a decent psychological services area as part of the health center on campus. Sexual issues are listed under the areas that they provide services for. Either way, I think it would be beneficial if I even just talked to someone that has a more unbiased role in the situation, rather than friends or family. However, I do think it would be beneficial to at least have the number for someone who deals with abuse survivors in my area in case what the university is able to offer isn't effective.

From what you say, I think the best place to start is with your university health services. After knowing what you have handy in there then we can brainstorm what else you might need and how to get it. Does that sound okay to you?