Scarleteen

I recently discovered one of my threads became locked. Does that count towards banning?

I tried to contact Heather, but there was no private message option. Anyway, I just want to tell Heather that I am sorry for making the offensive suggestion.

I would also like to make a small correction: that I am really cis female. I tend to be extremely hesitant about revealing my gender and sex online, and many times in the past online, when people assume that I am male by using the male pronoun by default, I never correct them as a way to preserve my anonymity. I think my tendency to act and think like a male (which may contribute to how I behave online) is partially caused by how I was raised. Even though I was born biologically female, I was fortunate enough to have parents who did not care about my birth sex and raised me as a female (with all the traditionally female responsibilities) and as a male (with all the traditionally male responsibilities) by expecting me to receive a high education and to support them financially in old age. Although some critics may criticize all they want of the one-child policy, I have read in one journal article that says the government's one-child policy actually weakens traditional patriarchy and changes the family dynamics. (If you are interested, I may be able to find the original journal article.) I've been raised mostly in the United States and consider myself an one-and-a-half generation American, and sometimes I find myself in situations where I'm like, "why am I the only girl in chess club? Why am I the only girl in quiz team?" Creative writing club had only girls. I actually attended creative writing club less than chess club or quiz team, because I didn't really find it very fun. No one seemed to mind, though; but high school extracurricular activities were incredibly gendered.

That said, by taking into account that I am really female, I think the response would have been very different, because I do have all the female parts. I have a penchant for reading journal articles in the humanities, and one time, I was reading an analysis of barren women in biblical times. I thought it was cool and could find parallels in modern times. If I find myself barren in a relationship (for whatever reason), then I wondered what it would be like to act like Sarai/Sarah, Rebekah, or Rachel and Leah, and allow someone to be a surrogate or adopt.

No, it generally does not.

And my apologies: I had thought I recalled you telling us explicitly in one of the chats you did that you were a cisgender guy. No one here, for the record, "owes" us any admission about their gender identity or their body parts, so the only reason I led with that was because I had thought you had identified as cismale to us explicitly, not based on what you sounded or read like (especially since there really isn't such a thing in our experience: people and gender are much too diverse for that).

I still hold that the direction of that conversation -- particularly a lack of sensitivity about how so-at-all-easy things like IVF or being a birth mother or surrogate surrendering a child most often are -- wasn't okay here and needed to just go poof, but I'm equally not okay with assigning anyone a gender or body that isn't theirs!

Yes, I understand. Sexuality tends to have pretty sensitive issues, and if one is not careful, one can accidentally step into one's personal life. People generally can get extremely defensive when they think you are invading their personal life or questioning their life, and as a result, they expect you to respect their choices or lifestyle. In interpersonal relationships, it is best to consider tact and sensitivity. However, in the privacy of your mind and maybe with like-minded individuals, you can think whatever you want about them.

That said, one controversy about Fifty Shades of Gray is that the author is not part of the BDSM culture and thus does not know how to portray the BDSM culture accurately and sensitively. Instead, some readers may get the feeling that the author is perpetuating stereotypes of the subculture. The author is free to think whatever she wants about the culture, but whatever she says out of her mouth has to be tactful, unless she wants or expects genuine upset from the community. Of course, sometimes people don't know they are being offensive or disrespectful, and that's when a sorry and maybe an explanation can make right a wrong.

I am also personally sorry for my insensitive remark. That will never happen again.

On this subject, I am reminded of an incidence at school. I eavesdropped on two simultaneous conversations at the coffee shop of the library. In both Christian groups, they talked about homosexuality in a semi-whisper. However, one Christian group was about coming-out stories and finding a new spirituality and new meaning in life through faith. The other Christian group was about sharing a conversation about God with a gay person and overcoming the resistance to repent their homosexuality. I happened to sit in the middle table, so I could hear both. It was the first time when I witnessed firsthand the two distinctive Christian viewpoints on homosexuality in the same room! And guess which one struck me as homophobic? Yep, the latter one. Although I understand having homophobic thoughts, I resent the attitude of acting upon them or expressing them. Studies after studies claim that homosexuality is a perfectly naturally occurring phenomenon in humans, and rationally, gay people are just like everyone else. Of course, people are not always rational. There are some thoughts - ugly thoughts - in people that are very strong, so writing in a diary or talking with like-minded people can be a safe medium to express oneself without harming others.