Seeking advice

[deerann]

Hello.
To create a bit of a context, I've been in a relationship for 3 years ( i'm a cis woman , he's a cis man, both in our early 20s ). We are pretty different people, in many ways. One of the most obvious ones is the fact that he is a shy person that has a below average self esteem and i'm the type of person that wants to socialize and talk to people a lot which he doesn't always enjoy because he tends to get jealous.(he understands when i explain he has nothing to be concerned about).
Another way is the fact that when it comes to the small things, such as hobbies, books, movies, music and other likes and dislikes we have basically next to nothing in common. We have the same opinions about life, family and 'the big things' ,but other than that it's pretty dry.

Due to the stress that we're experiencing lately because of the decisions we have to take concerning our education / professional life,we have been having arguments more often than usual; we're more tense and on edge.
Now, the issue. Lately i've been talking more with a colleague, simply because i have a lot of the 'small things' in common with him. At times, I find myself more excited when talking to him than my bf, because of the relaxed atmosphere of our conversations and the lack of differences in likes and dislikes. I don't have romantic feelings for this guy or at least i don't think i have, because i'm still in love with my bf, but i find myself daydreaming at the possibility of my bf with this guy's likes and dislikes that match mine so well.

My family and some of my friends tell me that i shouldn't be talking to other guys (they say i'm too interested in conversations and people might get the wrong idea) , especially when i know that my bf isn't comfortable with the idea of me talking one on one for hours on end with another guy. So i'm starting to feel guilty about how i enjoy my conversations with this guy and i'm starting to have second thoughts about whether or not it is just a friendly interaction or i'm hoping for more; and the fact that we're in a tense moment in our relationship doesn't help either. I don't want to cheat in any way, so that's why i'm seeking advice or a friendly ear, because i don't want to hurt anyone and i don't know exactly what to do or even if there is something to do.

I'm not entirely sure what my question is or what i'm expecting, but i just feel like i can't tell anyone from my circle of friends without being judged in some way ( especially now, when a friend is going through a breakup because his gf left him for another guy). Maybe that's one of the factors that is influencing me at the moment to reach out. I don't know. It's one of those situations in which you just need to tell someone, to know that someone listened, i guess.

[Ashleah]

Hi Deeran,

Sounds like you are trying to figure out a lot of things which can certainly get confusing Sorting out your feelings about your colleague also seems like it would be hard to do bc you aren't sure how much of that is related to your feelings on your current relationship (especially with so many people chiming in) so that's what I want to try and focus on if that's okay.

I'd like to start by pointing out that protecting your boyfriend from jealousy is not your responsibility. And honestly, it's not really something you can do despite what people think and are telling you. Those are feelings that your boyfriend are having and has to deal with. It's a red flag when you feel and/or are told that you have to limit your interactions with others so that a person can feel more comfortable.

I don't think there is any relationship that can fulfill all of are needs and wants. That wouldn't be very healthy. Each relationship we have with a person, whether it be romantic or non-romantic, might give us something different. So for me, even though it is important to be able to talk to my partner and spend quality time with him, I might prefer to talk about and do certain things with my friends. The same thing goes for my relationships with different friends.

Do you think one of those things you might be or need to be thinking about is if your current relationship (or the type of relationship) is one that you want to continue? Our feelings about a person can make looking at the relationship more difficult. Don't worry about answering this now or even giving me the answer at all, but it is something to consider and something we can talk about more if it feels useful. I think giving more thought to your relationships is the best place to start.

How much or how little have you discussed with your boyfriend about what you are feeling? If you all have already started talking, how did the conversation go (and what was the outcome)? If not, what would a conversation like this look like?

[taylor_alyse]

Hello Deerann!

First of all, welcome to Scarleteen!

To start off, I want to say that often our generation of people have a tendency to treat relationships "like Dixie cups" as the author bell hooks stated. I want to make clear that I think it is important for our own growth, as well as that of the relationship, that when we come to bumps in the road of our relationship, we learn to work through them. However, it sounds to me that this is not a speed bump in your relationship--rather, it sounds to me like you have outgrown it. By that I mean, you and your partner sound as though you are no longer finding growth and happiness within your relationship.

I actually just finished a book called "All About Love" by bell hooks and found it incredibly insightful about how to think about relationships. In the book, bell hooks talks about love as “as the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” This love—a true love that helps us grow, overcome adversity and discover ourselves—is characterized by care, trust, responsibility, and knowledge.


To help you reflect on your thoughts and emotions, I have included a few articles below:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... _a_checkup

The parts of this article I find particularly relevant to your situation I pasted below, but the whole thing is well worth the read.

Prerequisites: Do I like the person I am in a relationship with? Does that person like me? Are my wants and needs and this person's wants and needs a good fit? Do I want to be in the kind of relationship we're in? Do they? Is now the right time in my life for me to be in this kind of relationship? Am I in a relationship in order to connect with someone else and share my life, rather than because I am afraid of being alone or am looking for someone else to provide a life for me? Do I have good self-esteem? Does my friend or partner?

Individuality: Am I allowed to be my own person? Is my partner or friend? Do I understand that we won't want to do everything together, and that we each have our own unique interests? Do I have a solid identity outside the relationship? Does my partner or friend? In the ways we are different, have we worked out some ways to manage our differences? If I'd prefer my partner or friend was different in some way, am I understanding that expecting them to change for me isn't a fair expectation unless they also want to change for themselves and have made an agreement with me about change? Do I appreciate our differences as much as I might sometimes be frustrated by them? Do we have enough in common that we each feel able to be our own person, but still really connect?

Respect for Other Relationships: Are we both allowing and encouraging each other to build and sustain relationships with others, such as friendships, family relationships or (if the relationship is a friendship or an open relationship) dating relationships? Do we both understand that some other relationships are just as important as ours? If I'm having a conflict with someone my friend or partner is in another relationship with, am I trying to work that out with that person? If I feel threatened by any other relationships, am I working on that for myself? Am I some part of some of my friend or partner's other important relationships and community? Do I have other people I can talk to whose opinions I value if and when I'm having issues in this relationship? Does my friend and partner and do I encourage them to do so?

While this article is a bit less relevant, I think the part I have copied and pasted below still is helpful for your situation:

“Good things often come to an end and conflict arises. You don’t want to end up feeling totally alone if this relationship goes south or hits some road bumps. If this is your first love, there’s a high probability that you’re experiencing many heightened, intense emotions. These emotions may preclude clear judgment. With this in mind, I cautiously say the following; there’s a good chance that you and your significant other will break up. You may think that your situation is different—and in some ways, it is just because every relationship is different by definition—but there’s still a mighty high chance that you two will part ways eventually. That's just life.”


http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... _a_balance

From there, I think this article might provide insight for you to ruminate on:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... irst_loves

Also, there is this more “basic” relationship manual, if you will.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... lationship

Now, that is a lot I’ve given you. Thoughts on any of it?

I know it might seem as though I’m pushing you in the direction of ending your relationship—but if you meditate on what your relationship is providing you and your partner and you decide you want to work it out because you have a love that provides care, growth, trust, knowledge and responsibility—that is, you work towards one another’s spiritual growth, I am happy to support you in that decision! However, frankly I think it sounds like you have grown out of the relationship. Which is so normal!! That is why I provided all the links above, to help give you an opportunity to reflect on that. 3 years with someone when you’re only in your early 20s is not a short time, considering how much we (at least I, in my experience) grow during those years. I agree with ashleah--jealousy in this sense is a red flag. He should not make you feel guilty--nor should you feel any guilt when pursuing other relationships--it is healthy to have them!

I am happy to provide a space for you to come and talk openly about your thoughts. I am sorry your family and friends are not providing that for you—but I would encourage you to do a few things. First of all, don’t think of your alternative being “cheating”. I know you have already decided to respect the boundaries of the relationship that you have set, but moving away from the relationship doesn’t mean that your next move is cheating. Simply, it could be recognizing it is time for your to move on! I would encourage you, if you choose to end or take a break from your relationship, to spend some time by yourself first, that way you can check in with yourself and not feel as though you are quickly jumping to someone else. In that way, it may be easier to explain to your family and friends that you are no longer finding happiness and/or growth in your relationship, and you feel it is time to be single once again and explore your interests, other relationships (romantic and non) and experiences, etc. With regards to your friend, it is important to be compassionate towards him, as that is an important part of being a friend, however—following your own emotional needs should not affect his own breakup, or provide a space for any negative judgment by those who love you. I think that if you explain how you are feeling, those who love you will support any decisions you make ☺