Long-distance relationships

[Mo]

Long-distance relationships have their own challenges, in terms of when and how often to communicate, how often visits are possible (or if they're possible at all), and how to feel fully engaged in someone else's life when you can't be present in the day-to-day. But they can be just as rewarding as an in-person relationship, with enough communication and creativity. Some of you who have partners that go to the same school may be transitioning to a temporary long-distance relationship over the summer and haven't dealt with this sort of relationship style before, and others might have been in one for a while.

So, if any of you have questions, tips, or stories you'd like to share about being in an LDR, this is the place for them!

[TheConfusedOne]

I've had 2 relationships, and both of them are LDRs. So I'd like to share some stuff that I had wondered about previously. This is gonna be really long though!

First off: No, it doesn't really get easier. You want an LDR to last, you have to work for it, both partners (or more). This is the part where people claim LDRs are impossible, because it's just not for everyone. From what I've read, most can't handle it. It's one of those things that you have to try it to truly know. Of course, everyone has different experiences.

I was unlucky -- My first relationship was abusive. This is a very subtle risk when it comes to LDRs. Because it's not as 'physical' as a short distance relationship, abuse almost never happens in the form of beatings. My ex is a pathological liar and he insisted on having full and total control over me. From the very start (first red flag), he didn't want anyone to know about us being together. This is different to being unsure about whether it would work out or not telling people like parents because obvious reasons. I couldn't even tell our friends, who we chatted with ALL the time. Of course, they suspected. Long story short, he manipulated me and conditioned me to become needy. Once I couldn't handle not talking to him for more than a day, he started ignoring me. Then he demanded cam sex, even when I didn't want to. This lasted an entire year. He also refused to come visit me, eventhough he was the one most able to do so (I was still in high school and couldn't just up and leave, especially without letting my parents know about this relationship in the first place). I finally got tired of his behaviour and broke up with him, because who needs to be treated like that?! He got emotional and tried convincing me to go back to him. This was when I found out from one of our other friends that he was actually cheating on me. He had met another girl and she was the reason why he was constantly offline or "busy". This got me angry. Then I get more bad news from another of our friends. That "vacation" he took shortly before our break up? That was to travel to another country to meet that girl's parents. So he refuses to come meet me, but could travel to another girl's home? My anger turned to rage. Because we didn't let anyone know we were dating, our friends accepted that he was dating someone else and didn't find the need to tell me anything. They were shocked when the truth came out.

He was a surfer. He acted like a really cool guy, gentle and amazing. He was like a jock without all that meanness and bullying. He had a great sense of humour. EVERYONE liked him. He was like that perfect guy, shining in the sun, could do nothing wrong. I adored him to the point of being willing to be his puppy, just for him to play with. If you'd like to find out more about this sad story, you can search for my posts in the old forum. Thanks to Scarleteen, I managed to pull through without coming to lasting harm. My only real regret was the cam sex.

After that, my rage led me to... messing around. I turned wild, easy to anger, flirting with every other guy I could, throwing sarcastic and hurtful comments everywhere. If I had to describe myself of that time with one word, it would be "bitch". I cammed with a couple of other guys, enjoying the fact that I was finally free, eventhough I hated the camming. I promised myself that I would never fall in love again until I was truly well and ready for it. I recognised that I was young and naive and that was what led to my not understanding the emotional abuse taking place...

Then I got lucky... I meet another guy. Suspiciously, from the same place I met the ex. We actually ignored each other for half a year, mainly because we had nothing to do with each other. It was like one of those things where you have a classmate that sits at the opposite end of the classroom and you guys exchange "hi" once in a while, but that's it. Then he started chatting. He felt friendly, so I did the same. Being as wild as I was back then, I prompted the flirting. And yet, nothing happened. There WAS an interest in me, but it wasn't a sexual interest (the whole being a girl on the internet thing). We continued chatting and soon, I calmed down. He had a way of soothing my anger and making me giggle in a cute way, no longer the "I'm giggling because I'm such a bad girl" way.

4 months later, we make arrangements for him to visit me, half the world away (He's American, I'm Malaysian). He arrives in March and my parents agree to a double date. Because of the ex, I was extremely wary and paranoid still, so I didn't want to do anything drastic like agree to dating him seriously until I've met him and got to know him, even if just a little bit. Those 2 weeks were one of my best and happiest memories. My parents knew about him and have met him several times. He really was as awesome as he was online. He was a bit on the... not gorgeous side, but I was attracted to something else, his personality. And STILL, I was wary of him. I told him a bit about what the ex did to me and he understood, so it was easier to be cold and withdrawn to him sometimes. It was still the best 2 weeks of my life at that time, so I said okay, we'll try an LDR. I knowingly broke my own promise because it was almost too good to be true! A whole year later, and he comes back for a 2nd visit. Throughout that year, we found out more about each other and came to a silent agreement about making this LDR work. In such a short time, he healed my broken heart and turned a raging lioness into a purring kitten. And then he comes back for a 2nd visit... and a 3rd... and a 4th... The 4th visit was from the 26th March until the 14th April of this year. Already, we're talking about the next time he visits... and when he'll be able to steal me back to America! xD My parents approve of him, so does his parents approve of me, though they've never met me face to face. Infact, my parents are joking about having "blonde grandkids" lol. Silly parents. It was the best decision I've ever made until now, to date him. My trauma, depression and feelings of unease that was the leftover from the ex, have disappeared. I'm no longer angry and mention of the ex no longer boils my blood.

On Wednesday, 13th May 2015, he got into a car crash that should've killed him. The car is destroyed and he will have to get a new car... yes, he walked out (literally, got up out of the car, and walked away) of that accident with only a 13 stitches cut on the forehead, loads of bruises, having the face of a horror actor and that's about it. That's another problem with LDRs: When something happens, you just can't be there with them. I wish I could just drop whatever I'm doing in Malaysia and fly over to him now, but I can't. Flights aren't cheap and it's already confirmed that he's alright. Not even a concussion! Doesn't stop me from sobbing with joy though.

So if you're thinking about an LDR with your partner, remember that there will be a lot of ups and downs. Events that happen in LDRs are a lot more dramatic and exaggerated than a usual relationship due to the distance making things more difficult. There is also less time for each other because you each have your own lives to live and you don't do things together all the time

- Is it painful? Yes.
- Is it a hard lifestyle? Yes.
- Does it get easier? No.
- Do I think you should attempt one? Go ahead! But be aware that you WILL be sobbing and bawling your eyes out sometime in the relationship, whether out of sadness, rage or joy.

I think this is true in any relationship, though I do believe it's a lot harder to process in an LDR because you don't have your partner next to you to support you, either by hugging and being a shoulder to cry on or by being a temporary beating bag. I can't hug him right now or comfort him and help him through the pain of bruising and he can't assure me through touch that he's definitely okay and that I'm crying for nothing.