Scarleteen

Hey, so I joined Scarleteen for some advice about this issue of mine. Basically, my mother won't let me have any boyfriend/girlfriend or 'romantic' relationship.

So...A bit of background. I'm 15 (turning 16) in senior years of highschool and a straight female. I have never been in a relationship with a guy (although I might have liked too, if I'd had the chance!). My mother has spoken to me a few times and said that I am not to get a boyfriend at least until I am studying in college or preferably later and certainly NOT in school!! She has not said why and I haven't dared ask.

I have always been (what I believe to be ) a great daughter and done what my mother asked but I'm just not sure if I agree with my mother this time. I am in my mid-teens and have feelings too, and my mother knows I am very responsible etc. My mother is quite happy for me to socialise with the boys as well as girls at have both genders for friends, but unfortunately it stops there. I feel ready to have a relationship but I'm not sure how or even if I should approach my mother about this. Any advise or help on this matter? Thank you so much!

Hi Millymei! Welcome to Scarleteen!

I'm sure a volunteer will come along to give you advice, but I just wanted to share my own experiences. Perhaps it will help you.

Parents are quite strange. I come from a paranoid family with a miserly father, complete with the usual Asian stereotypes. So of course, studies must come first, in their opinion. My parents met my boyfriend in 2012 (when I did too, it's an LDR), and my mum told me in private exactly what your mum told you. Nothing can happen until I graduate (And I was already in college/uni!). Last year, he came back to visit me on my birthday and I broke the news to them (Pretty much just blurted out "We're dating."). At first, I thought it was gonna be bad, because the situation turned awkward... My parents are now joking about having "blonde grandkids"...

No, I have not yet graduated, I still have 1 more year to go. They've also told me to stay away from bf's hotel room when he visits because according to them, the "Western culture" is to have sex all the time and I'm to stay virgin until my wedding night. Obviously, I'm not listening to them, and I'm pretty sure they suspect that I'm not, just like they suspected our relationship since the beginning. It's all to do with that parental instinct and intuition.

My point is, it's your life. It's your decision. But because you have never been in a relationship, I would highly recommend letting your mother in on any that you happen on. Mothers are really awesome about such things and that support is invaluable. I'm SO happy and relieved that my parents know 100% about my boyfriend. Perhaps you don't HAVE to talk to your mother BEFORE finding a relationship, just... introduce her to the guy, let her get to know him and then later tell her that you really like him a lot (it's what I did!). Only three things can happen from that:

- She likes the guy and tries to support you in your decision (most likely)
- She doesn't like the guy, have bad feelings about him and tells you to break it off before you get hurt (quite likely, and you'd do well to at least see it from her point of view. Dat over powered intuition!)
- She ignores your choices to live your own life and tells you to end it (judging by how much you say she respects you, this is highly unlikely)

In the end, it's really all up to you. By all means, let her in on your decisions, but don't let her control your life.

HeyTheConfusedOne,

Thanks for your prompt reply!

I suppose my mother could be considered over protective. As I said, I'm not sure of the real reason she opposes to a relationship, however something both my mother and I agree on is that study comes first. My mother and I have a really good relationship, but there are just these few things I'm not confident with bringing up.. haha

Of your three possible responses... I guess none of them will be the end of the world I like your idea of just introducing 'him' to my parents and saying "we're dating"! It doesn't entail any other issues leading up to the relationship which could hinder it.

I know it's my life and I have the right to live it how I want (at least to some extent while I'm under 18)... but I just don't want this to sabotage our mother-daughter relationship...

~Millymei

I doubt it would sabotage your relationship with your mum unless you do something extremely drastic. Your mum is your mum and will always strive to wanna be with you and be there for you. Good luck

Hey TCO,

You might first consider telling your mom that her abstinence-only attitude is discouraging you from talking to her. You can tell her that you want to honor her wishes, but you're a kid and you have feeling and things will (not might, will) happen. And that will very likely be during high school. And tell her you want her to be part of your emotional development and your sexual development (maybe not in all the fine detail, but at least in general). I'm not sure but you might tell her you're resorting to the internet. Scarleteen is a great resource, but she doesn't know that and she might think the worst and get shocked into budging on her ultimatum.

Honesty is good. Lots of honesty, not just what you intend, but what you feel about her and how much you want to follow her rules. Make sure she knows the message she's sending you. By giving you an impossibility, ie, bottle up your emotions for years and years, what she's really telling you is to leave her out of your maturation as a young woman. Invite her back in. If she doubles-down, that's really a shame.

Either way, keep dropping by here for advice and look for some other responsible and trustworthy mentors to share your feelings with. That's always good advice, but even more important when mom isn't available to you.