Scarleteen

I think I might have feelings for my best friend.
Okay, so she’s gay, I’m gay and I met her online about 2 years ago. For the last year, we’ve been meeting up probably like once every mounth, and we’re really close. I talk to her for about a hour every day on messages, she’s helped me through so much, as cleche as it sounds. I have issues with self harm, and anxiety and she’s always been so caring and undertstanding, and done what ever she can to help me deal with them.
So I saw her on Saturday, and I kept getting this overwheling want to kiss her, I’ve always been in mixed views on how I’ve felt for her, in the past my feelings for her have been intirly platonic aside from the fact that everyone seems to assume were together, like all my friends and her friends. Probably because we talk about eachother a lot, and we talk to eachother a lot and idk they just asume. I didn’t act on the feeling, because I didn’t want to overstep, or make her uncomofortable.
I always guessed that my feelings for her are one sided, and it’s just me being me and bluring the lines between friendship and more, so I’ve never really thought that much of it. But yesterday I was going through her tumblr, and there was something about her current crush and for some reason it sounded like she was describing me, someone sent her an ask asking who her current crush was and it was like ‘she’s cute and funny, and as cleche as it sounnds I’m always enjoying myself when I’m with her.’ And some other stuff including that she ‘has such a nice voice’ and all the stuff she was saying were things that I think she’s said in the past to me, and I continued to look down and there was something where one of her followers asked her how she flirts and she was like ‘I’m not sure, I usually don’t really know when I’m flirting but I just give people loads of compiments’ and she is constantly complimenting me. SO I sent her a message saying, where did you meet this person (as in her crush)? (annonamously) And she said tumblr.
Now I know that I am the only person she’s ever met Irl who she met through tumblr, except one other person who she literly just smiled and waved at once. Seeing as she said that she’s always enjoying herself when she’s with her, does she meen in real life, because if she does surly that means that its me?
Am I over reading into all of this? It’s so cheezy and pathetic for me to be asking on here, I can’t really understand why she would have a crush on me seeing as she’s so pretty and slim and I’m like a walking trainwreck looks wise. Also, all the women she’s had crushes on in the past and have told me about, are all really feminin and skinny and stuff, and again that’s not me. Maybe I’m wishfull thinking, also if it turns out it’s not me I’m going to be really upset, and that’s stupid.
I feel like I can’t tell her that I like her, because I’m worried if I do and she doesn’t like me back I’m going to ruen our friendship and we’ve been friends for so long and I’d be devistated if we stopped being friends. On top of that, I’m not certain about my feelings for her still, and I’m such a self concious person I’ve never asked anyone out before I’ve only ever hopped someone would do the same for me.
Also in the past when we were friends, I did have feelings for her, and I sent her an anon message asking if she had a crush on anyone at the moment, and she said no and I’d never go out with anyone if I didn’t want to, I’d not go out with someone just for the sake of it I’d have to actually like them, so maybe that means it isn’t me shes talking about?
I just don’t know what to do. Idk. It’s so confusing, this is so pathetic of me to post, but do any of you think she’s talking about me? And should I say anything?

Hi Maddybob,

I don't think it's confusing or pathetic to wonder about this at all. You have some feelings for this person that you're trying to sort out, plus a hunch that they might have feelings for you. That can make for quite a confusing headspace.

One thing that you might find helpful is to spend a little time sorting out how you feel, because that can make the next course of action clearer. For instance, sometimes we have crushes on friends that, when we think about it, we know would not pan out in a relationship. And other times, those crushes are pretty strong and we want to find out what happens if we date that person.

If you decide that you do want to try and have a more romantic relationship, then you will need to tell her outright about your feelings. That can feel really scary, but you will ultimately feel better knowing where you two stand with each other.

I agree. Nothing at all wrong with the feelings you're having. They're 100% normal and even expected. A person you like a lot is super nice to you and you're surprised you are interested in some romance with them? That's normal not weird.

The question is what to do. I've experience and heard about this situation many times - the friend who is upgrading, at least in my mind, to a potential romantic interest.
Stage 1 Friends: ("stages" just for illustrative purposes): you're friends. You enjoy each others' company. Everything is awesome.
Stage 2 Interest: You're friends but you want more. You start to have these romantic feelings, but you're not necessarily sure and maybe she doesn't feel the same way, so you choose the friendship and keep your potential romantic feelings under wraps.
Stage 3 Opportunity: You're definitely sure you want something more. You really value the friendship and if there's not something more to it, then that's fine but you're definitely ready to come out with it. If nothing else, you're friends and you want to share this exciting news - I met somebody! ... It's you! . You might want to think about how exactly to present it, but no need to apologize, especially if you catch it early. Ask her out on a date. That way 1) she can say no and 2) there's a clear break between just friends and more than friends. You can let her know that you really like her as a friend and would really like to take her out and be more serious if she's interested, but give her the 'out' as well if she isn't interested or just wants to think about it. The key here is that you can make a serious offer but also be able to take no for an answer. And if she does say no, make sure to keep the door open. "I'm interested if you change your mind, and we're still friends."
Stage 4 Difficulty: You can't stand it. Unfortunately, just FYI, there may be a point where you like her too much to be just friends. She still gets veto authority on a serious relationship. She may still like you loads, and you should tell her you know she likes you even if she doesn't want more. But it may become too hard to be around her without a romantic relationship. This is not uncommon either and it doesn't reflect badly on either of you. In that case, don't be afraid to take some time off. It should seem odd and weird and maybe uncool to 'break up' with a friend because you like her too much, but better that than stage 5...
Stage 5 Disaster: You let it go too long and then hate her or try to kiss her and ruin it or something else, or you're just silent and miserable as she rotates through other romantic relationships that don't involve you. Don't let it get to that. Just to clarify, Stages don't necessarily progress. Moving from 4 to 5 is pretty certain (so beware), but there's no reason a relationship will ever progress from 3-4 or 1-2 or whatever.

I never really wrote that down before, but hopefully it gives you a bit of a window to the future. Decide whether you're sure you like her, and if you're sure, then ask her out. Just treat it as an offer to try out a romantic relationship. It may work out and it may not, but that's part of the fun. The big problem will be if you make her your girlfriend in your own mind and don't give her a heads-up. That's awkward...

I also want to add that if she doesn't share your feelings, and you tell her yours, that doesn't have to ruin your friendship. I'd say that making sure it doesn't is mostly on you and how you behave if she does that.

In other words, if you can just accept that, and just keep treating her like a friend, chances are mighty good your friendship will be just fine. On the other hand, if you blow her off after that (which isn't the same as asking for some space, if you need it, to manage your own feelings), or hold it against her in some way, or keep trying for something sexual or romantic when that's not what she wants, then yep, chances are you will negatively impact the friendship.

Long story short: voicing feelings a friend doesn't share won't often ruin a friendship. It's how people behave after that that can. Make sense?