In a sexual relationship and scared to set limits?
Posted: Tue May 19, 2015 1:37 pm
Something we see fairly often here are people already in sexual relationships, but who find -- at any given time, sometimes for a little while, sometimes for longer -- that engaging in some or all kinds of sex isn't feeling right. Whether that's about pregnancy fears (even when using methods of effective contraception), having too many other stresses on one's plate, not enjoying oneself, working through depression or anxiety or something else, we're had quite a few users who seem to want to avoid setting limits, like taking some or all kinds of sex off the table for a while, with partners.
My sense of this is that it's usually about the -- false -- idea that once you start having sex with someone, you have to keep having sex with them if that's what they want, and if you don't, you'll lose them or they'll leave you AND that that would somehow be worse than doing things you don't really feel okay doing. Or that somehow, if people stop having sex or take a break, they can't be intimate or close anymore (also false), or can't express their sexuality in other ways they DO feel good about.
If you've been in -- or are now in -- a spot like this, can we talk about it some? Is your reason one of the ones I just talked about up there? Or something else? Either way, if you're struggling with this, let's talk about how to work through it, including working to get past the fears you have about setting limits so you can move forward to the place where you and your partners are all confident setting limits when you need to, and know that's much more likely to result in healthy, happy sexual relationships than anyone doing things they don't feel totally great about.
My sense of this is that it's usually about the -- false -- idea that once you start having sex with someone, you have to keep having sex with them if that's what they want, and if you don't, you'll lose them or they'll leave you AND that that would somehow be worse than doing things you don't really feel okay doing. Or that somehow, if people stop having sex or take a break, they can't be intimate or close anymore (also false), or can't express their sexuality in other ways they DO feel good about.
If you've been in -- or are now in -- a spot like this, can we talk about it some? Is your reason one of the ones I just talked about up there? Or something else? Either way, if you're struggling with this, let's talk about how to work through it, including working to get past the fears you have about setting limits so you can move forward to the place where you and your partners are all confident setting limits when you need to, and know that's much more likely to result in healthy, happy sexual relationships than anyone doing things they don't feel totally great about.