Religious beliefs, a sex life, and a broken past
Posted: Wed May 20, 2015 12:47 am
This forum has always helped me in the past when I was going through my sexual developmental phase, trying to figure out my body and navigate through protection, making sexual choices that were comfortable for me, and becoming overall comfortable in myself. So I just want to say thank you initially for all of that.
I am a third year pharmacy student that has suffered with anxiety and depression for years, especially escalating within the past six months. And in this year, due to the stress of second year and unknowningly now a sexual encounter that involved asphyixiation that morning, I sustained seizure-like activity about a month ago that has not resolved to this day. Since having these seizure attacks, I have been forced to open a door on my double life of sexuality and realize a painful part of my teen years that I had forgotten.
My initial question: If a person as a lonely, mainly-isolated and very religious 13-year-old turns to seeking friends online because she has been rejected by her church friends, was this wrong? This was my story, and instead of finding friends, I got involved with a man almost 30, who led me into a sexual relationship that lasted for four years. Although he never met with me offline, I participated in acts over the internet that I now know would have been deemed child pornography because our relationship was highly emotional and sexualized. Thinking this was all fun and games in my mind at the time, and not really understanding the true power of sex, I had locked this in my mind for years. And now I'm confused as to whether I have been sexually abused or not because he never touched me physically. All I know is that after that point, I had become highly sexualized, suffered from severe depression since that time, and had a downward spiral in my morals throughout college as I experimented with many guys and finally led in the culmination of losing my virginity four years ago and leading a very active sexual life afterwards. I'm now 26. Two years ago a close friend of mine who I had a sexual relationship with, forced himself on me one night when we were both only slightly intoxicated. Because I knew him, I never knew if this was rape or not, until a week ago, when I heard of the fraternity rules on our campus (since I am also part of a co-ed fraternity), that any act of force without sexual consent, drunk or not, is considered rape.
Currently I am in an on-off relationship with a married man, which was another choice of poor decision on my part in my brokenness and looking for love.
At this point, I don't know what to do with myself. I've been trying to numb the pain through the anti-depressants I've been prescribed, writing, and searching desperately to find out what happened to a Christian girl who had it all together, and ended up here. I've had to reveal this information to my parents due to trying to figure out many questions they had about my choices in dress, overly sexual vibe, and attraction to older male friends that had at the church. I'm turning to this forum for help because I needed a release, and I'm hurting emotionally.
Thanks,
Blanc_Type
I am a third year pharmacy student that has suffered with anxiety and depression for years, especially escalating within the past six months. And in this year, due to the stress of second year and unknowningly now a sexual encounter that involved asphyixiation that morning, I sustained seizure-like activity about a month ago that has not resolved to this day. Since having these seizure attacks, I have been forced to open a door on my double life of sexuality and realize a painful part of my teen years that I had forgotten.
My initial question: If a person as a lonely, mainly-isolated and very religious 13-year-old turns to seeking friends online because she has been rejected by her church friends, was this wrong? This was my story, and instead of finding friends, I got involved with a man almost 30, who led me into a sexual relationship that lasted for four years. Although he never met with me offline, I participated in acts over the internet that I now know would have been deemed child pornography because our relationship was highly emotional and sexualized. Thinking this was all fun and games in my mind at the time, and not really understanding the true power of sex, I had locked this in my mind for years. And now I'm confused as to whether I have been sexually abused or not because he never touched me physically. All I know is that after that point, I had become highly sexualized, suffered from severe depression since that time, and had a downward spiral in my morals throughout college as I experimented with many guys and finally led in the culmination of losing my virginity four years ago and leading a very active sexual life afterwards. I'm now 26. Two years ago a close friend of mine who I had a sexual relationship with, forced himself on me one night when we were both only slightly intoxicated. Because I knew him, I never knew if this was rape or not, until a week ago, when I heard of the fraternity rules on our campus (since I am also part of a co-ed fraternity), that any act of force without sexual consent, drunk or not, is considered rape.
Currently I am in an on-off relationship with a married man, which was another choice of poor decision on my part in my brokenness and looking for love.
At this point, I don't know what to do with myself. I've been trying to numb the pain through the anti-depressants I've been prescribed, writing, and searching desperately to find out what happened to a Christian girl who had it all together, and ended up here. I've had to reveal this information to my parents due to trying to figure out many questions they had about my choices in dress, overly sexual vibe, and attraction to older male friends that had at the church. I'm turning to this forum for help because I needed a release, and I'm hurting emotionally.
Thanks,
Blanc_Type