Religious beliefs, a sex life, and a broken past

[blanctype]

This forum has always helped me in the past when I was going through my sexual developmental phase, trying to figure out my body and navigate through protection, making sexual choices that were comfortable for me, and becoming overall comfortable in myself. So I just want to say thank you initially for all of that.

I am a third year pharmacy student that has suffered with anxiety and depression for years, especially escalating within the past six months. And in this year, due to the stress of second year and unknowningly now a sexual encounter that involved asphyixiation that morning, I sustained seizure-like activity about a month ago that has not resolved to this day. Since having these seizure attacks, I have been forced to open a door on my double life of sexuality and realize a painful part of my teen years that I had forgotten.

My initial question: If a person as a lonely, mainly-isolated and very religious 13-year-old turns to seeking friends online because she has been rejected by her church friends, was this wrong? This was my story, and instead of finding friends, I got involved with a man almost 30, who led me into a sexual relationship that lasted for four years. Although he never met with me offline, I participated in acts over the internet that I now know would have been deemed child pornography because our relationship was highly emotional and sexualized. Thinking this was all fun and games in my mind at the time, and not really understanding the true power of sex, I had locked this in my mind for years. And now I'm confused as to whether I have been sexually abused or not because he never touched me physically. All I know is that after that point, I had become highly sexualized, suffered from severe depression since that time, and had a downward spiral in my morals throughout college as I experimented with many guys and finally led in the culmination of losing my virginity four years ago and leading a very active sexual life afterwards. I'm now 26. Two years ago a close friend of mine who I had a sexual relationship with, forced himself on me one night when we were both only slightly intoxicated. Because I knew him, I never knew if this was rape or not, until a week ago, when I heard of the fraternity rules on our campus (since I am also part of a co-ed fraternity), that any act of force without sexual consent, drunk or not, is considered rape.

Currently I am in an on-off relationship with a married man, which was another choice of poor decision on my part in my brokenness and looking for love.

At this point, I don't know what to do with myself. I've been trying to numb the pain through the anti-depressants I've been prescribed, writing, and searching desperately to find out what happened to a Christian girl who had it all together, and ended up here. I've had to reveal this information to my parents due to trying to figure out many questions they had about my choices in dress, overly sexual vibe, and attraction to older male friends that had at the church. I'm turning to this forum for help because I needed a release, and I'm hurting emotionally.

Thanks,
Blanc_Type

[Heather]

Hey there, Blanc_type. It's good to see you, but I am so sorry you struggling with all this is why.

I am out of the office today doing outreach, but will be sure to give you a longer reply when I get home tonight.

[Heather]

Aaaaaaand, the last two days of outreach left me with zero brain cells. So, tomorrow morning it is, and so sorry to keep you on hold.

[blanctype]

No prob, I'm just greatful you're willing to help.

[Heather]

Of course.

The very first thing I want to say to you is that in everything you have written here I see absolutely NO wrong doing on your part. It's not wrong, for instance, to feel lonely and isolated and to seek out companionship via what kinds of access you have to that. It's not wrong for a very young teen not to see or understand older adult motivations, or not to see or know exploitation when someone is exploiting you and taking advantage of your isolation and lack of life experience. It's not wrong to explore consensual sex, be that with one partner, 10 or 100 (and even if and when some or all of that is or might be coming from a broken place in someone, that still doesn't mean that person has engaged in any wrongdoing). It's not wrong not to know that sexual assault or abuse is happening to you or has happened. I do not see any wrongdoing on your part here, at all.

Truly, even choosing to get involved with someone who is in a (I presume) monogamous marriage is more on them than you, if you ask me. It's not you breaking that agreement after all, it's them. That said, I hear you saying this isn't a relationship you feel good about, so we should probably talk about you getting yourself away from that, since general ethics aside, it isn't something you feel is helping you or coming from a positive place or a glad choice, but something you're in primarily coming from a place of hurt and a choice you feel lousy about.

By all means, though, wrong has been done to you, clearly. That older man knowingly choosing to exploit you was an abuse. Those who have sexually assaulted you have chosen to abuse you. And I am so very sorry those things have happened to you, and those people have chosen to do you harm.

I am more than happy to talk with you about any of this as much as you'd like (be that for hours, days, weeks or longer: whatever you want and need). I'd also be glad to help you seek out -- and hopefully find -- some other support and counseling that would likely benefit you. Anti-depressants do an excellent job at managing depression, but what they can't do is help a person process and heal from trauma. Alas, we don't have a pill for that (which, IMO, is a good thing, because in a lot of ways, while the process of healing is hard, I think it's deeply valuable, and can provide us with a lot of strength we didn't know we had, and really benefit our whole lives and selves).

I do hope that you can also give yourself credit for the ways you are taking care of yourself capably and do have it together: you have depression you're managing, for instance, and you also came somewhere for help when you knew you needed it. Maybe those don't seem like big deals, but when we're struggling as much as you have been, and coming from, it sounds, an environment most (all?) of your life that doesn't feel very supportive, I think those things are big deals. Steps like that are also a very good sign that you are going to be able to come out on the other side of all of this whole: again, big deal.

Where would you like to take this from here?

[blanctype]

Thank you so much for replying Heather. It took a while to process and grasp everything, because it has been horrendous on my end dealing with all of this. I would very much like to talk to you at length about this, and seek out a counselor that can help me in my city, if need be. I'm at the point of blaming myself for all of this, and I'm glad you're mentioning that there's nothing wrong on my end, even though it's hard to grasph. The medication can only go but so far, but truly I am broken inside. Ultimately, I want to live life as a whole person, identifying my wrongs and rights, and understanding that it is OK to be who I am despite all that has been done to me and the overall pain and confusion.

[Heather]

Of course, I'm glad to help you with whatever I can.

Self-blame can be such a hard thing to shake sometimes, especially if we've carried it around with us for such a long time. It often reminds me of having an infection for a while without it being treated: it spreads further and further, and can become harder and harder to treat. But the good news is that much like that, once we start treating it -- and with self-blame, becoming more and more aware we're doing that, more and more aware that's bullocks, and working more on shaking it off and putting any blame where it really belongs -- we often tend to start feeling better pretty quickly.

I personally really like the framework of thinking about brokenness as a) being okay, acknowledging that for most people, especially in a lifetime, we're going to get wounded and have places where we have wounds, and b) as the places we can actually become most strong, being strong in our broken places. If it helps, to give you an example, I think my own traumas and wounds, and then my longtime healing process, has a lot to do with the kind of work I do, and why I do it so well. Without that, especially without that healing and strength in the broken places, I think it's be much harder for me to empathize with people, and I'd be less motivated to provide help and support.

So, for sure, it's not only okay for us to be who we are, with it being a given that that "who" is always largely influenced and informed by our life experiences, I think that being whole and who we are doesn't have to be in spite of ways we have been harmed or traumatized, but can even wind up having a lot to do with that in a positive way, if you follow me.

My sense is that creating a space where you can really start your healing probably first means getting out of or away from anything or anyone in your life that doesn't feel conducive to that process; that feels like it is harmful to you in any way. Want to talk about what or who you think that might involve, and what help, if any, you feel like you need with that?

[blanctype]

Hi Heather,

Again it took a day to reply because I've recently been also coping with revealing my past to my parents, and that has brought an extra dimension of guilt that is aggravating my current health condition. Is there actually a way we can talk in private about this? I'd like to release a lot more about my background story and what I've been going through, and then I can answer the question of how I can best start on my healing with your help, as well as maybe a counselor in my area.

[Heather]

Absolutely. Our chat will be best for this, and you can even schedule a day and time for it with me, if you like.

[Heather]

Telling you how to do that might be helpful, I suppose. (Clearly, I needed more coffee.)

If you go here -- http://www.scarleteen.com/need_help_now ... t_services -- and scroll down to the listing for chat, you'll see our chat hours, but also a link to a booking tool I use for appointments with me, specifically. If you click through to that, you'll pick the chat option, and then be sent to a list of dates and times to choose from. I have some openings outside chat hours if our usual chat hours don't work for you.

[blanctype]

Thanks Heather, my e-mail didn't update so I was wondering what happened to our conversation. I'll contact again later when I've gotten more sleep and schedule an appointment - looking forward to speaking with you.