Scarleteen

I'm a queer trans guy in a relationship with a queer cis guy. We've been dating for a bit over a year and on emotional and intellectual levels have a strong connection that's fulfilling to both of us.

Lately though, the sexual part of our relationship has been hard for me. While I see libido as fluid and changes in it aren't a big deal to me, my partner has attributed his recent lack of interest in sex with me to his "being attracted to penis" and finding my "ovulation pheromones" (I feel a bit skeptical here) a turn-off.

I'm finding that although it isn't important to me that our relationship is sexual in a particular kind of way, I do need to feel like my partner has a positive, gender-affirming view of my body. If the change in sexual intimacy (which yes, has been thoroughly covered on the Scarleteen website) didn't involve his reaction to my body's lack of a penis, I think this situation would be easier for me to deal with. Right now though, I'm having a harder time feeling good about my body and am noticing a lot more jealousy (or really, feelings of sadness, inadequacy, and being left out) with respect to his cis male partners.

I'm *trying* to affirm my own desirability for myself and not have my sense of self-worth depend on how much sex I'm having - but sometimes that's easier said than done. I want to be respectful of where my partner is at and nurture those parts of our relationship that do feel good to both of us, but I really need for him to communicate where he's at sexually without making it about the configuration of my genitals. Our recent talks, while pretty open and respectful, haven't yet brought us to a resolution and I'm feeling stuck. I wanna grab some advice before continuing the conversation with him.

If I stay in this relationship, I need to accept that it's not going to be sexual, and I want to deal with my crappy feelings responsibly. I also want to feel more secure in my body - cause honestly, it's not rare for me to have interactions with queer cis guys where my lack of a penis becomes a Big Deal for them.

Any words of wisdom would be hella appreciated.

Welcome to the boards, arctostaphylos (and I had to look up that word, because I knew it was based on a deep geek I didn't know about! ).

Can you give me an idea, before we dig in further, of what "lately" is here" The last few weeks, months, longer? And when you say you say you need to accept that this won't be sexual, moving forward, is that based on your partner saying they are done with -- or wanting to separate from, permanently -- that part of the relationship clearly, or just your sense of this without them setting that limit or otherwise communicating that to you?

While I'm asking questions, I wonder if you'd mind filling me in on this pattern with queer cis guys having issues with your body. Is this something where you have started doing any screening with that, like talking about your body and its parts (so long as you feel safe doing to) before becoming sexually involved?

Hey Heather,

Thanks for appreciating the geekiness - I used to do habitat restoration.

To answer your questions - lately means about 2 months. I'm glad you asked for clarification about whether things definitely won't be sexual in the future - he says he feels fluctuation in how much it matters that I don't have a penis, but that right now it really matters and he is not interested in any form of sex (we're planning to have a long conversation about what forms of non-sexual intimacy do work for both of us). I'm getting ahead of myself a bit wanting to accept that this may be a permanent situation, but I do want to feel prepared for that possibility.

When I say that queer cis guys have issues with my body I'm thinking of interactions were I feel either fetishized (that is, I'm cruised or pursued by someone who doesn't seem interested in me in a person, just the fact that I'm trans) or stared/glared at in queer male spaces. I meet most of my casual sex partners at play parties or bath houses, which means people might be seeing me naked before we even get to introductions, and sometimes means I might be naked in a very cis male dominated space. I do check in about pronouns and names for body parts (among other boundaries), and the folks who I don't feel respected by are not folks I end up being sexual with.

I think the feeling of folks taking issue with my body has been amplified by my googling "support for gay trans men" and finding a surprising amount of articles and blog posts by queer cis men who think trans men are trying to "trick them into having sex with women". That was not helpful, so I laid off the googling and came to this website.

I don't have enough ((((((((('s for that last bit. For crying out loud, what the hell is wrong with some people? I am so sorry things like that are even out there, and that you had to fall into any of that.

I totally understand trying to prepare oneself for certain outcomes. But for sure, I would suggest having that conversation first before leaping too far ahead. Even if your boyfriend comes into it to say that he wants to shift away from a sexual relationship for good, I think dealing with that from there is likely going to look and be different from dealing with what is currently a question mark as if it were a period, if you get me.

I am also so sorry for some of the experiences you have had. I can certainly get it would be mighty challenging to feel optimistic about any of this right now.

I certainly don't have any issues with casual sex, but I wonder if those contexts and environments might not be the best places for you to be meeting partners if what you are really after is a long-term romantic and sexual relationship, and also more sensitivity than it sounds like you have been finding?

There's a lot here, so if you're up to giving me some direction with what help you'd like from me, and how you think I could best help, that would be great.

In terms of getting more rooted in your own sense of self, body and desireability, so you want to at least brainstorm some things that might help with that?