Scarleteen

I know that this question is asked a lot. But, I'm not sure. I went over to a guys house with my sister and her boyfriend, and he had a friend from out of town over. We all had some drinks and I got a little but to drink and ended up throwing up outside. My sister gave my some close to sleep in and sent me to the trust room to sleep. And the guy staying over at the house came in, we had been flirting throughout the night, he asked if it was okay to sleep in the bed with me and I said yes. He got in and started kissing me, he asked me if it was okay, and I kept kissing him and said yes. Then, he started taking off my clothes and his clothes. He almost went inside of me and I told him to stop and he did. He kept kissing me and then he started to finger me. I wasn't turned on at all, he commented on how dry I was. I was embarrassed that I wasn't turned on, and I know that that is not something I should have felt. I shouldn't have been embarrassed, but I was. I wanted him to stop touching me because I felt uncomfortable, so I gave him a blow job. The afterwards he kept kissing me and when I would turn away from him he would ask me why I kept turning away, and he would turn me towards him again.

My sister and I went over the next night and I felt uncomfortable, again. He hugged me and it bunched my dress up and he grabbed my butt. Then we all started watching a movie and he put his hand down my tights. I felt so overwhelmed and uncomfortable. I wanted him to stop. So I said, no don't do that, he asked why not and I said I just wasn't in the mood. He tried again and I said no. He kept grouping me so I turned away and after awhile I preteded to be asleep and he kept asking the people in the room, why did she go to sleep? I really wanted to talk to her. I pretened to be asleep the whole time and then when it was time to go my sister woke me up and we left and I told her what had happened. She felt horrible and so did I. She said if it ever happened again that I should just get up and text her or say that we have to go home. She said that I should have never been put in that situation in the first place because he should have stopped right away. I Was 17 at the time and he was 20. He seemed nice. But he wouldn't listen to me so he really wasn't nice. I just feel stupid. And like it was my fault. But I know it wasn't. And I know he is responsible, but I still feel it was my fault.

This kind of thing has happened before and I always say, "never again". But it always happens again and I never do anything. I just freeze up and let it happen. Why do I do that? I always thought I was stronger. But I just lay there. Helpless. I want to be able to say no. Stop. Don't touch me. How can I learn to be brave and fearless when guys take advantage every chance they get and I just do nothing? I want to be strong. I don't feel comfortable in any intimate or sexual situation anymore after all of this and other things that have happened. Will I ever feel comfortable again?

Hi Ag18---first of all, welcome to Scarleteen!

I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. As your subject line states, yes--you were sexually assaulted. I am glad to hear you know it is not your fault. It can be difficult to process the emotions and feel as though you aren't at fault--but no that you are right, it was NOT. Your sister is correct--he should have stopped right away (I'm glad to hear she is supportive and wants you to speak up if this should ever happen again--because you should!

Are you safe? Do you feel comfortable where you are right now? Will you have to see this guy again in any capacity?

Also, have you seen this article? http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... _with_rape
In dealing with the emotional aftermath of sexual assault, it is important to deal with all the subsequent emotions to be able to move forward and heal ourselves
To clarify, this happened recently or a while ago? While I think you also want to talk about moving forward into future encounters, are you wanting to start with focusing on your emotions from this particular event?

I want to add to this that freezing up when someone is sexually assaulting us is a tremendously common -- I'd even say the most common -- response. So, that you have frozen up is mostly just because that's a thing that happens when people are being traumatized, are in shock, or just don't know what to do because you are being assaulted. That's not about someone being weak, just about someone being human. None of this is about you being stupid, either, I assure you. And as you know -- but may struggle with really feeling -- the only person whose fault assault is is the person or people doing the assaulting.

You say "always," so it sounds to me like either you're talking about having been assaulted more than once, by different people, or multiple times by this person (or both). Those situations are pretty radically different, so it'd help to know which we're talking about, but once we know that, we can certainly talk to you, if you like, about what things you can do in terms of your own protection. Suffice it to say, there's always going to be some element with assault that isn't in our control, and situations where there just isn't anything we can do to prevent an assault or an attempt at one, or stop assault, but there are some things that can help with prevention and with self-defense in the event someone is attempting to assault us.

I'm sorry I didn't specify, but yes I am safe. This happened months ago. And this type of thing has happened before with other people when I have been drunk at a party and at a friends house staying the night. I would like to move foward. And I want to be able to not be panicked any time a guy touches me. It doesn't matter who it is, though because anytime a guy holds my hand or kisses me, little things like that, I feel really panicked and uncomfortable. And I just want to be comfortable in my own body again.

Okay.

So, the bit about the panic is mostly just about having been assaulted and traumatized -- and from the sounds of things, assaulted at least a few times, by different people -- and not yet having done a lot of healing, if any, and gotten some kind of help with that. If you want to talk about your options when it comes to healing and ways to get help with that process, we're glad to do that with you.

It sounds like one big thing you can do for yourself in the meantime, both from a prevention standpoint, but also to keep yourself from situations where you're of course going to feel panicked and triggered is to perhaps change up both the way you're partying, and with what groups you're doing it. One of the best basics with that is to never drink somewhere that isn't in the safety of your own home without having a buddy: someone you trust -- and ideally, this can go both ways -- to make sure no one isolates you, to help you (again, this can be each other) only drink in moderation, and that you both leave together, in safe ways. Just doing what we can not to be isolated is giant, because isolating a victim tends to be the first thing someone who sexually assaults or abuses people needs to do to do that. And even if we make that harder for them, they'll usually ditch us, because people who want to do other people harm and very opportunistic, and usually not seeking a challenge.

I do need to say, though, that it's important to bear in mind that if you're drinking, you're not dong so legally, and doing anything you have to sneak around to do and do unlawfully often puts us in social contexts and situations where the kind of people who tend to exploit other people will be more present. So, ideally, you maybe consider that stopping drinking, especially when it's not even lawful for you to do so (and given we're talking publicly about you breaking laws, if you want me to go back and edit some of this out, let me know: ideally, we ask users not to post about their own unlawful activity for their protection).

Something else that it sounds like you need right now is to control the contact other people are having with you. In other words, ideally, no one is touching you intentionally without asking if they can do so first, like, can they hug you? Can they hold your hand? Is it okay if they kiss you? Then, if and when it's not -- and it sounds like for right now, it's just pretty universally not -- you say no, then you don't get touched and triggered.

If someone isn't asking, then telling them they have to, is a step you can take. They don't like that? Well, great, you just found out right away they're not someone safe, and you get to say buh-bye and dodge that bullet. They are on board? Great: then the only touches they'll be doing with you are the kind you ARE okay with, and find feel good to you, including emotionally. Make sense?

We can also talk about some things you can do for yourself to gradually help you feel like you have reclaimed ownership of your own body, if you like.

I stop going to party's and drinking and if I do I just do it at my house or when I'm with my girl friends. I know that wasn't smart and I should have thought it through. But I have learned from my mistake and I know I should not make myself vulnerable to guys again because they will take every advantage. (It be nice if you could edit that out. I don't want to get in trouble, thank you very much for caring enough to tell me, though!

Most the time when people hug me or anything that is platonic it's fine. But, when it is not platonic and I feel that in the hug or whatever it is, I feel uncomfortable. So mostly it is the sexual or intimate aspect of those things that makes me feel panicked and makes my heart race, in a bad way.

What you are saying makes total sense!

I would like to reclaim ownership of my body. And I would like help and counseling, but every time I say anything about counseling to my parents, (who don't know about any of this) they say yes to it (because they think I am depressed and need counseling) But they never do anything. They have never taken any steps towards a counselor.

Hi Ag18,

I;m not sure what Heather has in mind in terms of suggestions for reclaiming your own body, so I will leave that for her to touch on. I do have a thought as far as accessing counseling. It may help if you do some research on your own to find counselors and reach out to them. That way, you rely on your parents as little as possible (since they seem to be flaky in this instance). Is that something you feel you'd be able to do?

I think so. I talked with my mom about it again today, so hopefully that will work out. But if not I think I could find a counselor on my own.

Thank you so much for all of your insight and help. I'm very grateful for this website and all that you do.

I'm around today, by the way, if you want to talk body reclaiming.