Painful Sex Over 1 Year After Childbirth...

[gymmaniac]

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this... but here goes...
I had my son 1 1/2 years ago. Before he was born, me and my SO had a pretty healthy sex life. Nothing painful, everything amazing.
Childbirth was very painful for me, and recovery was very long. After my "recovery time" was over and my doctor gave me the go-ahead, we tried...and tried.
We tried lubrication and time like the Doctor had recommended, but still it was very painful. I noticed that the area around my vaginal opening gets very sore and painful if I am aroused, and even more when I have an orgasm. Its almost like its where i tore giving birth, and where everything had stretched.
Its been so long and nothing has gotten better. I haven't discussed this with my Doctor, yet.
It is putting a HUGE damper on anything me and my SO want to do. Its actually to the point I don't even want to try, at all.
If you have any idea what this could be, it would be very helpful...because I don't have any idea!
Like I said, I will be going to the Doctor in about a month for my annual check-up and will be discussing this with her as well...

Thanks in Advance!!

[Sam W]

Hi gymmaniac,

It's great that you've been tying to go slow and use lots of lube, as those are both good ways to keep intercourse from being painful. But it sounds like there may be something else up here and, sadly, we can't diagnose you through the internet. So it's definitely a sound plan to talk to your doctor about this when you see them. You can also give this piece a read (it sounds like you've been following much of the advice in it, but you may find some of the info helpful all the same: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

Would you like to talk about ways that you and your partner can be sexual that don't involve vaginal intercourse so that you have a way to connect sexually while you and your doctor work out what's up? Because it sounds like you'd like to keep vaginal penetration off the the table (which makes a lot of sense, given how painful it sounds like it is for you)

[gymmaniac]

Thank you for such a quick response!

Yes! I would love to talk about how to be sexual without having intercourse. Unfortunately this is a hard subject for me also. My SO is for the most part understanding. But of course he doesn't understand fully because he's not the one going through the pain. So sometimes I do feel pressured. I don't like giving oral... Before LO was born, I would for the sake of the relationship. But now that he's here, I don't know why I can't do it anymore. So of course that makes things difficult. I do feel as if my SO is almost to his breaking point with patience considering how dramatically things have changed since the baby. I don't know how to explain or show him I still love him the same if not way more than before.
Wow, this went way off topic a little! I'm sorry!

[Mo]

You know, when folks choose to do sexual things they don't really enjoy "for the sake of the relationship," it's not unusual for it to feel like more and more of a chore as time goes on, because sex that's just not enjoyable is... well, not fun or enjoyable. It could be that the pain during attempted intercourse is making you less likely to want to have any sex you're not 100% into right now.
And while that might be frustrating for your partner, honestly I think it's really important to only have sex that you and your partner enjoy, no matter what the other circumstances may be. Sometimes people will do things that they aren't super into to please a partner, but there's a huge difference between "oral sex isn't my favorite but I like it ok, and my partner loves it, so I'll do it for him sometimes" and "I really hate oral sex but he loves it so I'll ignore my own preferences for the sake of pleasing him." It sounds like you're in that second category, from what you've said, but please correct me if I'm wrong!

It may be that the two of you just need to start over entirely in terms of talking about and experimenting with kinds of sex you both like. Have you talked to him before about not really enjoying performing oral sex? Are there kinds of sex that you do like to have, that you could suggest or talk to him about?
Here are some articles that might help you in thinking about how to start that conversation, and also in terms of thinking about various kinds of sexual activities you might enjoy:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Yield for Pleasure
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

I do think it's really important, here, to make sure your partner understands that pressuring you for sex in general - and especially now with the added stress of a child in your lives - is just not ok. He doesn't have to feel the pain you're feeling to believe you're feeling it, and I certainly hope he wouldn't want to have sex with someone while they were in pain just to enjoy himself! It might be stressful for him, but clearly it's stressful for you too; I hope y'all can have a productive conversation around this.