Sexual Fantasy

[Heather]

I'm going to start working on a new general piece soon about sexual fantasy, based primarily on what concerns and questions we've most commonly seen from users in our direct services, like the boards, which are:
• What does "sexual fantasy" even mean? Who decides if it's sexual or not?
• Are there right or wrong things to fantasize about or ways to engage in fantasy (for instance, is it not okay when it comes from visual porn, but okay when it comes from books? Is it different when someone uses media clearly classified as pornography to fantasize with masturbation, than when someone does so from Hollywood mainstream films or just what's in their own head)?
• How do you deal with sexual fantasy, of your own, that makes you feel uncomfortable?
• Who sexually fantasizes (answer: almost everyone), and who does so with partners (again, the answer is: most people), and is that okay (yes)?
• How do you deal with the fact that a partner is probably often engaging in sexual fantasy when being sexual with you (since again, this is more common than not)?
• How do you deal with a partner's sexual fantasies that aren't about or don't include you, including fantasy with masturbation?

Anything y'all think I'm missing in there?

And while we're here on this topic, is there anything around this anyone wants to talk about?

[claire from SD]

Heather,

I just posted my first message here and I mentioned that there were some fantasies that I would like to fulfill before I get into any serious relationship. I just wouldn't want to hurt anyone just because I'm selfish!

What does sexual fantasy mean?

My dad teaches Constitutional Law and he's always quoting some judge that said that he can't define what porn is but that he knows it when he sees it! I'm only 16 but it seems like I've been having sexual fantasies since about 8 and the older I get the more I have and the more I want them fulfilled. I guess I'm the one who determines if my fantasies are sexual – I definitely know them when I have them.

Are there right or wrong things to fantasize about or ways to engage in fantasy?

Well I haven't seen a lot of visual porn, but my mom keeps so old books in the back of her closet that are supposed have letters from real people fulfilling real fantasies. I've read them all now and I've thought about the things that are described while I've masturbated. But I've never thought about masturbating while thinking of movies or any visual porn. When I masturbate I think about people I know, sexual things that I've done and definitely sexual things that I would like to do. I would say that the only "wrong things to fantasize about" would be those in where you're hurting or abusing someone. My fantasies usually involve things that I would like to happen. But I have to admit that some of my fantasies are kind of demeaning sometimes and are things that I would never do (like having sex with five guys at one time with no condoms). I feel embarrassed sometimes when I have a fantasy like that, but it doesn't feel wrong at the time.

how do you deal with sexual fantasy... that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Nothing really. I just don't deal with it. Like the one that I wrote about with five guys and all. I get embarrassed sometimes, like I said, but it's just one of those things that I would never allow to happen. It's one of those things and times where I just really like feeling like a slut. I don't know if other girls ever feel that way but I am so happy that I found this site so that I can see if I'm just a freak or what.

Who sexually fantasizes and who does so with partners and is that okay?

Hard question. I think everybody has sexual fantasies but until last year I never had a partner to talk about fantasies. I've never really talked to guys about my fantasies although I've told them things that I want to try on them or things that I'd like them to do to me. And some of those things are stuff that I've read about and probably had fantasies about. But last year I had sex with another girl and we've had sort of a relationship since then and we do talk about our fantasies. I think that we both may be bisexual because most of our fantasies include at least one boy! I just get really excited talking about sex with her so I would say that it's definitely okay to talk about your fantasies with the right people.

How do you deal with the fact that a partner is probably engaging in sexual fantasy when being sexual with you?

I've never even thought about that. Even if it may be common it's the first time I've heard about it. I just don't think that I would have time to have sexual fantasies at the same time that I'm having sex. I'll talk to my friend about it and see if she does that. I don't think that I could talk to any guys about it. I'll have to Googlt that too.

How do you deal with a partners sexual fantasies that aren't about or don't include you?

I guess that I just don't have enough experience to answer that. The only sexual partner that I've really loved is Laura and it's more like a really close friendship than being in love like a long relationship or anything. I think that I would really expect that though. Laura and I talk about fantasies that don't include each other and I would expect even after I get married that both my husband and I would have fantasies that don't involve each other. I just think that would be normal (? Not really sure).

I never knew that websites like this existed for girls younger than 18. Most of the ones that I've found are just porn or talk about stuff the way your parents do. Sometimes I just feel like I'm oversexed. Sometimes I even learn new things by looking at some of the pictures on Google and sometimes I'm just embarrassed to ask explicit things. I'm always thinking that I'm in control of things but then it gets more confusing. I hope that somebody will write back!

Claire

[Heather]

Might be worth bearing in mind that even say, people engaging in sex with their mind on reaching orgasm at some point, or wishing for, or visualizing -- versus directly asking -- a partner they are with doing something they really want, is also a kind of sexual fantasy! (Thus, the bit where we know that while what fantasy is varies, as does how ongoing, versus fleeting it is, more people than not will tend to fantasize to at least some degree during sex.)

Thanks for pitching in with this! And so glad you are happy to find us: we've been around 17 years now, and have millions of users a year, but that doesn't mean everyone finds us or does right away! Welcome.

(Side note: if you're going to stick around here, sounds like it might be sound, if you like, to have some talks about the term "slut," especially if it's something you're using, even just about yourself, in a derogatory way, or if use of it -- rather than finding other words -- doesn't feel like something that supports your sexuality feeling great, happy and healthy, and NOT shameful or dirty.)