straight yet confused

[sunburnt]

okay, so I have this friend. she's my best friend actually. we've been through a lot together. and I don't mean your typical a lot with boys or school or any usual circumstance. she was self harming and I helped her to seek professional help. she was gone from school for over a week and I managed to lie to everyone who asked about her and why she was gone. I guess ever since then, it's been hard saying goodbye to her. we used to just have extra long hugs. then our hugs became cuddle sessions when we would watch movies. and then before you know it, there would be a kiss here and there. we both know we are straight. and thinking about it grosses us out. however when we are together it still happens. do you think we can still consider ourselves straight? is there something wrong with wanting to be that close with each other? thanks for the help:)

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, sunburnt!

I'll start with answering the questions you posed at the end of your article, if that's alright. I think that you both can totally consider yourself whatever you feel most comfortable with. Identities and labels are not prescriptive, they are not given to you by someone else. You get to decide whatever you feel most comfortable with. So if you feel best identifying as straight, you absolutely get to do that. And secondly, there is not the least bit wrong with you and your friend wanting to be close with each other.

Have you and your friend talked about how you feel about each other, and what's going on between the two of you? For lots of people, cuddles and an occasional kiss are important parts of friendship and do not have a sexual meaning at all. So, just because you and your friend like to be close and cuddles does not mean that you two necessarily attracted to each other.

But even if sexual attraction is a component of what is happening, that still does not mean that you are automatically not-straight. Like I said earlier, you get to define for yourself how you identify.

So how are you feeling about this right now? Would you like some reading material about sexual orientation, and what it can feel like to be questioning your sexual orientation? Or do you have any other questions?

[sunburnt]

we have talked about it and we don't do it with any of our other friends. it's just with each other. I know personally I'm not into girls and I am pretty positive she isn't either. we would always say that we weren't going to kiss anymore, but then when we would get together we always would. now more recently we haven't(we still cuddle but that's it) but I'm not sure I necessarily like it better this way. I just don't know how to go about bringing that up to her.

[Heather]

How about by asking her if she feels more comfortable and happy now that you've made that change?

[sunburnt]

well I told her that it's harder for me and she agrees that it is for her too. I'm just not sure how she feels about it(if she wants to continue or if she wants to keep the changes). it's just sort of confusing

[Heather]

Sound like you know your next question to ask her (and yourself) then!

In those thoughts and conversations, it might also help to think and talk about both of you feeling "grossed out," and if either of you thinks that's because this just doesn't feel right to you, or if you think that's instead more about biphobia or homophobia.

[sunburnt]

neither of us have biphobia or homophobia. it's not that we dislike or are prejudice against those people. we know we are both straight(we both have guys that we like/have flings with), which is why we get "grossed out". and when we are together it does feel right, which is why we do it. it's just sort of confusing afterwards. if we are both sexually attracted to boys, then why do we get pleasure from kissing each other?

[Johanna]

Well, because sexuality is not static. Who we feel attracted to and what gives us pleasure can vary a lot. We all have the capacity to be attracted to all sorts of people, all sorts of genders and personality traits and physical traits. And even if we feel that we have a type, a specific kind of person that we tend to be most attracted to, every once in a while we'll get feelings that divert from that. That's not at all unusual.

[sunburnt]

since she said that she was having a hard time with these new changes too, should I try to kiss her again? or continue just acting like I don't get tempted by it anymore. we still will joke around about it, but I don't know if I should try and see what happens or just forget about it

[Johanna]

It sounds like you two have been able to talk about this topic before, so can you tell me why you are reluctant to talk to her explicitly about where to take things from here?

[sunburnt]

well, since we are both straight, we are worried about it getting out. I guess I'm scared if I talk to her about it she's going to say she doesn't want to anymore, but I do. so I guess I'm just scared of rejection. we are hanging out this week, alone most likely.. I just loved the way things used to be and I want to go back to that and I'm scared she wont. I also think that if we talk about it before hand the answer is more prone to being a no to kissing, rather than if I just did it she might go with it. I'm not sure if that made sense or not

[Johanna]

I hear you - rejection can be hard to face. But I do think it's important that you talk to her and see how she feels. That conversation can totally include you letting her know that you feel ambivalent, and that on the one hand you miss kissing her, but on the other hand you're feeling conflicted and confused.

Perhaps it will help you to write down for yourself what you like about your friendship and the physical aspect of it, and what makes you feel afraid and confused. Maybe that will help you sort out your own position and make it easier for you to figure out what to say to your friend.

[sunburnt]

so I guess just waiting for a good moment and going for it is out of the question?

[Johanna]

I would advise against it. From what you are reporting, it sounds like this is already a situation full of confusion and uncertainty, and in situations like that, foregoing communication is only likely to make things more confusing.

How do you feel about the idea of making a list to put some order into your own thoughts and feelings?

[Heather]

Also, "just going for it" means you're not doing active, clear consenting, which is never the way to go, especially when last you checked in, limits had been set you'd be crossing. Not asking because someone might say no is exactly why we ask: if they want to say no, we don't want to ever try and get them to say yes. That's coercion.

This piece is very relevant here: http://scarleteen.com/article/politics/whats_in_a_no

Really, if and when we don't feel comfortable talking about something, we probably shouldn't be doing that something.

[sunburnt]

I guess I could try to make the list. but I know sometimes she gets weird about talking about it. and since sometimes we joke about it, I'm not sure how to go about being serious.. or even how to bring the conversation up.

also, no lines were crossed because no limits have been set in stone.

[Heather]

I was talking about you saying that rather than asking her, which you said you wanted to avoid in case she were to say no, you just "go for it." That is not only not consensual, and would disrespect a limit set about not doing that (and limits need not be hard limits for anyone to need to respect them), it would also be you going about something in a way that is primarily about getting what you want.

If you want to talk seriously about this with her, have you yet tried asking for that explicitly? If not, that's what you can try.