Toxic Friend in New Relationship

[crabby_one]

A while back I ended a close friendship that had lasted several years because I felt my friend was causing more difficulty in my life than I could handle. Since the friendship ended, I realised how much of a weight had been lifted, and discovered that our friendship fit a lot of signs of emotional abuse - she insisted the relationship be on her terms, demanded as much of my time and attention as she could get, belittled me and my achievements in order to talk herself up, and responded to requests for change by guilt-tripping me (over complaints she had never mentioned before) until I was the one who wound up apologising.

I would be happy to cut her out of my life for good, but there's one problem: she's now dating someone who I'm also close friends with, and I don't want to walk away and leave him not knowing what she can be like. While she very definitely isn't abusive to most of her friends, I'm worried because of the timing, and because her new partner shares a lot of the traits that made me vulnerable and/or were targets of her insults. Everything makes me feel like he's her new victim, and I want to tell him to get out now while he still can.

I want to respect his choice to date her, but I really think he doesn't know what he's getting into - none of the nasty behaviours were there at the start of our friendship. But I feel like if I try to warn him, there's no chance he's going to listen to me over his new girlfriend, even if he did take me seriously (I've mentioned it to a few friends I trust not to tell her, but most of them seem to think that it can't have been that bad because they never saw any signs of it while it was happening. They're acting like I'm just feeling bitter about the friendship ending.)

Either way, if he stays with her I'm going to have to stop hanging out with him, because I can't bear to watch and wonder how she treats him when they're alone.

So, here's my question: do I walk away, and hope that he fares better with her than I did, or do I try to warn him? And if so, how do I do it so that he'll listen to what I have to say?

[Heather]

Oh man, I hate this kind of situation. Have been there myself, and I know how deeply it can suck. I'm so sorry, crabby_one (and I get why you're feeling so crabby!). I'm also so sorry to hear that you were in an emotionally abusive friendship. I'm glad you were able to get yourself away from it, and that -- this situation aside -- you're feeling so much better out of it.

What I'd like to know, before I say anything else, is what you WANT to do here. Setting aside how he might react or what might happen, would you prefer to just leave this, figuring that if he brings issues to you, then you'll say something, or say something from the front? Or, would you prefer neither, but instead would ideally want nothing to do with this, and so would rather just distance yourself from him while he's seeing her?

[crabby_one]

I really don't know any more.

Due to a lot of surrounding issues, it's likely that if I stop hanging out with him now, I'll just never see him again. (Ending my friendship with her meant walking away from all my social activities and losing most of my existing friendship group, to the point that I need to restart my social life almost from scratch.) The reason I told other mutual friends was in the hope that if problems emerge they can pass on my experience, but I'm no longer sure they believed me enough to do it, even if he did bring it up to anyone as a problem.

I doubt that he'd talk to me directly even if it was a problem, because she loved to gossip about and put down anyone who disagreed with her until I doubted every word they said, and right now I'm top of that list and she has years worth of potential ammunition.

A part of me wants to walk away from the whole mess and never think about it again, but that feels like throwing him to the wolves. But I really have no idea how to handle this in any way that might help him. Mostly I just wish that I could get the few friends I have left safely away from her, him included, but I can't make other people's decisions for them, and even the people I've told don't seem to think it should affect their relationships with her.

[Sam W]

Hi Crabby-one,

Adding a plus one kudos to getting ending a relationship that was toxic for you. That can be incredibly hard to do. And, as you're discovering, even when you end it, there are still ways for that person to get into your life (it doesn't help that it sounds like most of your friends don't believe you, to a certain extent, which isn't unusual. Toxic people are great at not being awful where there are witnesses).

It's ultimately up to you if you want to warn your friend up front about what happened. Given how some other people have reacted, you're right that he may not believe you. If you think he might be receptive, you can let him know (you don't need to get detailed) as a heads up some of the things to watch out for. The one risk there is that there's some chance he will tell her about what you said, and she'll spin it.

One other possibility is to try and schedule hang outs with him that are just the two of you. A movie, coffee, video games, whatever it is that you two do to hang out. That way, you're keeping your relationship with him without having to be around your toxic former friend. Is that something that sounds doable to you?

[crabby_one]

I've tried scheduling hang outs with a small group where he was invited but not her, but it felt very awkward (since everyone else there was friends with her and would have been happy to invite her) and I found it very uncomfortable talking to him knowing that he was still in a relationship with her. I don't think I could keep doing that, even if he was aware of the risk and took it seriously.

I'm also less concerned that she might spin the story to make herself look good - which I'm sure she'd try to do anyway - and more concerned that if she thinks I'm talking about what she did, she will try to get back at me, which would mean a fresh round of guilt-tripping emails if I'm lucky or openly being horrible about me to all my former friends if I'm not. Either way it's likely to exacerbate how she might be behaving towards my friend, since she was always at her worst when she felt 'threatened' by people disagreeing with her.

[taylor_alyse]

Hi Crabby-one,

A plus two kudos for getting out of a toxic friendship!

I was in a very, very similar situation several years ago, but instead of another friend the said toxic friend dated after I decided to end my friendship with her, it was my boyfriend at the time (ya..). As Heather and Sam have wrote, it is up to you--what you want to say to your friend, how connected you want to keep to him if he chooses to continue dating her, on how you will deal with any repercussions that might arise if he does not in fact value your word and advice.

What I can give you is my retrospective perspective on my own situation. I chose to be open and honest to both parties about how toxic I felt she was. 5 years later, they are still dating, but ya know--to me, that always has reflected a lot more on him than on her. (i.e. I'm glad I got out of that one!!) From my current perspective, I can be happy for their relationship and the individual growth they have gone through together (seemingly, I'm projecting). I can be damn sure I am much happier having allowed myself to move on from those relationships and become the person I am today. It meant creating new social circles also, but those circles are ones I still have and cherish with supportive people that I love. Maybe because I am extroverted, a Scorpio, whatever you want to call it--I personally am happy I chose to get all my feelings off my chest and let the cards fall where they may. Yes, there were repercussions from what was said to me and about me (i.e. gossip), but especially once I found my people, I had a support system that helped me brush it off-- and I was happier even with the gossip now that I found friends that truly understood and appreciated me than I had been before! Long story short- it had many painful moments, but in my situation, I was happy I let all parties know how I felt and what I thought and I think the entire situation has helped me become the person I am today: one that values openness, integrity and tries to spend energy cultivating truly loving relationships. For a series of years later, said ex apologized repeatedly for the entire situation--so even when it doesn't feel like it at the moment, people do hear you

[Sam W]

Okay, good to know. In that case, it may indeed be that you start to lose your connection with this person, or at least scale down the amount of time you interact with him. Is staying connected a little bit via things like text or internet something your comfortable with, or does that feel like it would still make you feel uneasy? And have the other folks in your social circle noticed that you've been spending less time with them?

The fact that you're worried that she may retaliate is definitely a valid reason to not want to tell him. This may indeed be a "secure your own oxygen mask before helping others" situation, especially since so many people around you seem convinced that there's no need for the masks in the first place (to belabor the metaphor a bit) In that vein, do you have any blocks in place in case she decides (for whatever reason) to try and come after you again?

Have you been having much success finding new people to hang out with, or new things that you enjoy to participate in?