Coming to terms with a casual sexual encounter?

[kuraimuin]

Hey. First of all, I'd like to thank Scarleteen for it's amazing services, they have been incredibly helpful.
Here's the situation. I have a friend who I used to find very sexually attractive, but I didn't feel emotionally attatched to him, or had romantic feelings in any way. I just felt really attracted to him. This was uncharted territory for me, as the only sexual encounters I've had it's been with people that I have a relationship with. And I tought that was my boundry, but the tought of having a casual sexual encounter felt empowering. Like I was in control of my own pleasure.
Well, we started to flirt for a long while, and recently he came to my house, and we kissed, and engaged in manual sex. Before ejaculation, he told me to stop, because his feelings were conflicting and he was seeing someone else (His ex), and they were serious about their relationship probably starting again.
I didn't feel particulary hurt by this, and things were perfectly fine, until I started experiencing a pregnancy scare (Which I still am), because I masturbated before washing my hands, with the same hand I touched his penis which was wet with pre-ejaculate.
I have read everything under the sun (Both in Scarleteen and other sources) about this situation and, altho I'm convinced it's really unlikely to be pregnant this way, I can't stop feeling terrifyed. Debilitatingly so. And when I look to it, I feel that this pregnancy scare is worse than others I've had because there's not an stable relationship behind it. I don't feel supported and I feel like a slut for what I did, and I feel pregnancy would be the absolute worse thing that could happen in this scenario. I realized, too, that if someone asks me why I did what I did, I'd answer "Because I was feeling lonely. Way too lonely. And it made me feel loved and connected again".
How do I come to terms with this feeling? Am I a slut? How do I know where are my boundries when it comes to sex? Do I have any boundries at all?

[Mo]

Hi kuraimuin, and welcome to the message boards.

I'm sorry this sexual encounter has turned out to be so stressful for you. It sounds like something that felt ok in the moment, but it's not always possible to tell, beforehand, how you'll feel about a certain kind of sexual experience once it's over. That's often especially true if it's something new or it doesn't go how you've planned it. I think the best thing you can do for yourself here is try not to use this as a way to beat yourself up and call yourself names, but as a learning experience. You've now learned that this kind of casual sex isn't right for you, and while I'm sorry you learned it in a painful way, that knowledge can be helpful to you moving forward as you continue to make sexual choices. It might take some time to come to terms with what happened, but I hope you'll try to be compassionate with yourself. You didn't knowingly do anything wrong, you just made a decision that didn't feel as good afterwards as it did at the time.

You ask how to know where your boundaries are, and if you have any at all - I certainly think you do, because it sounds like you accidentally stepped over one here. It might be helpful for you to take some time and make a list of what you'd consider your ideal scenario to be sexual with someone - what would that look like? What kind of relationship would you have with that person? What sort of conversations about safer sex, birth control, or sexual activities you are or aren't into would you have with them beforehand? Setting up your best-case scenario might make it clearer where your limits and boundaries around sex are, and what you need to have before being sexual with someone.

I don't want to touch on the pregnancy scare too much here, as you mention that you've read all our material on it, but just in case you missed this article I'd encourage you to read it, as it touches on some of the reasons, like guilt or unhappiness about a particular sexual encounter, that can be behind those persistent fears.

[kuraimuin]

Thank you very much for your answer! It was considerate and kind, maybe I needed to read that.
Since then, and while reading the article that you linked me (Thanks again), it seems like I fall in many more than one of this categories.
I have access to information, but maybe I should be more careful with my sources. You find all sorts of farfetched stories on the internet. And there is absolutely some pressure in my household about sexual activity, and about pregnancy. It is inmediatly assumed that someone who became pregnant, specially outside of a marital relationship, is all kinds of wrong. Pregnancy could very well be the punishment for seeking pleasure, according to my family.
And (I don't know if I'm digging too deep here, but this might be important), the fact that my mother got pregnant of me while on hormonal birth control, and had vaginal bleeding for around 3 or 4 months before finding out she was pregnant, and I was born premature, leaving her with no chance to prepare for being a mother, is terrifying. I look back at her story and it feels like pregnancy is the worse thing that happened to her, and she would have tried to end it if she realized sooner.
Maybe this is one of the roots of my pregnancy scares.
Maybe this is yet another thing I can't come to terms with. Feeling that I was a misfortune and that pregnancy could happen even in seemingly impossible situations.
I've been under unhealthy ammounts of stress, sleeping very little and over-worrying about this.
But I can't help but notice that I use sexual activity as a way to bond with someone that I care for (I used to believe this was exclusive for relationships. This time it was friendship), because I usually feel lonely and unloved. Can I change the ways I see pregnancy and sex? Is there something I can do? (appart from seeing a mental health professional, my economic situation is complicated at the moment). I am not very close to my mother. Maybe talking to her about her situation with her pregnancy of me would help? How do I approach being open and real about sex with my family, who are very conservative about it?

Also... I am currently having my period, which is very heavy, accompanied by very strong cramps and exhaustion. Should I assume I am not pregnant, then?

[Ashleah]

Hi kuraimuin,

Getting it out the way, if you are having your period it is safe to assume that you are not pregnant.

You seem very insightful, and you are aware of where some of your fears and discomfort are coming from. A mental health professional could help you unpack this more but also help you with managing stress and anxiety. Don't rule it out just because of financial circumstances! If you like we can help you locate services near you that operate on a sliding scale or are free. Let me know if that is something that you would be interested in.

Given your families views about sex and sexuality and your own personal boundaries for sex, it is not surprising that you are feeling uncomfortable with your encounter. As Mo said, give yourself some time! There is no magic pill for processing feelings. You should not expect your feelings about sex to change immediately or even remain permanent overtime. Sex, sexuality, your feelings, boundaries etc. are all a process. But by asking those questions, you've taken a huge first step.

As far as conversations with your family, you know the relationships best and ultimately are the best person to decide if you feel a conversation with your mother will be useful. How do you see that going? If she has any of her own unresolved feelings about sex and/or pregnancy it might be difficult to have an honest conversation. Regardless, it is important to remember that even if your family has a certain view about sex and sexuality, those do not need to be your own (and more than often are not).

We are more than happy to dive into the way you view and engage in romantic and sexual relationships, but I am also interested in other friendships that you have? Do you feel that you have a strong support system around you? If so, are you able to spend time with them? I'm wondering if you still experience those feelings of loneliness when you are around other people that you care for (and care for you).

Also, have you been able to start the list that Mo recommended? I would like you to follow up and check back in. This was a great suggestion and can help you answer some of your questions.

I do want to pass this along Self-Care a La Carte. You mentioned feeling stressed, understandably so, and this article can help you put into place some ways to be taking care of yourself.

[kuraimuin]

Thank you for everything, for the responses and amazingly helpful links, I feel that I desperately needed a place where I could openly talk about this.

I have tought a lot about the list that Mo suggested I did, and came around very interesting conclusions.

My ideal scenario for being sexual with someone would have to start with a lot of communication and trust. It would be planned, instead of spontaneous, and we'd previously talk about safer sex practices and planned parenthood, and this person would share my expectations towards our encounter, and be patient with me about my constant pregnancy scares. Now that I think about it, affection and (hopefully) love would enhance the scenario in a huge way, and being in an exclusive relationship would make me feel special and cared for.

This in particular came as a huge surprise when I tought about it: In my ideal scenario, penetrative sexual intercourse would not be the number one priority, not even the highlight. For me, the greatest part about it would be the sensual play. Exploring eachother's bodies, caring deeply about eachother's pleasure and feeling eachother, in an enviorment in which time and rushing things would not be a factor. That is what I enjoy the most about sex, and if I've had vaginal sex in the past is because my previous partners tought it was the most important part. I, particulary, could take it or leave it.

I'd hope the sexual encounter would be followed up by activities that we both find enjoyable and bonding, by talking or cuddling or simply spending time with eachother (I don't know if that is weird, but I actually consider that a very important part of an ideal sexual scenario). I wouldn't care if this person was a male or a female. I actually believe I identify myself as a bisexual (yet another thing my parents would absolutely never aprove of: I've talked to them about it before).

I think it's very clear to me that my relationship with my parents is not strong enough to discuss this things and have that conversation be useful for me. It would be mostly harmful, as they tend to blame me for a lot of things and my mother, that is very anxious, would turn it into a fight. That causes me pain, but I guess it can't be helped. I wish I was younger and I could work on our relationship since earlier. (I am 21 by the way).

My other frienships... This is a complicated topic. I DO feel lonely most of the time, even when surrounded by people I care for, and I think they care for me. I care for my friends, I really do, and their support is vital to me, but I have a hard time bonding with them. I don't know why this happens, I drift away from my friends often: I stop talking to them for a while, and I tend to lose friends I tought I'd have forever. Sometimes I feel that I need them in order to survive: That I'm very frail and I would fail if my friends are not there to support me, and sometimes I feel I need to be completely isolated.

I wish I knew what I'm doing wrong, I feel that I am 21 years old and I can't even reliably have friends and keep them in a way that makes us both confortable.
It might be because I'm not very good at self-care, and I tend to rely too much on them, giving them the role of caretakers. Could that be one of the reasons? I still feel absolutely lost.

And I an very much interested in both things! I am interested in finding a way to recieve help from a mental health professional with an accesible price, (It could be difficult since I'm not in the United States, but any help would be appreciated), and interested in diving into the way I view and engage in romantic and sexual relationships.

Thank again, thanks to both of you for your responses

[Ashleah]

If you feel comfortable giving me more specific info about your location, I can look into it mental healthcare resources. An area or region that you have access to. Do you attend a university/college by chance?

Also, why don't we figure out some ways that you can practice better self care? Looking back at that article I linked you to, what are some things from the list you think you might enjoy and can put in place this week?

I don't want to get into much else until we talk about self care first but I will say it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong, just trying to figure out what you want and need in all of your relationships with folks. Having all of that together by 21 is unrealistic, honestly, it is something you can expect to be working on for ever. As far as sexual relationships, it seems like you have a very clear idea of what you desire and what you need. I bet it is the times that you don't have those things in place, like the encounter you initially describe, that you begin to worry. As Mo said, it seems like these boundaries are a requirement for you feeling comfortable. Would you agree? And do you feel like you have a difficult time enforcing these boundaries with partners?

It might also be helpful to think about boundaries and desires as well, but again I'd like us to figure out a plan for self care first if that is alright with you

[Heather]

As an aside, there's a statement you made that struck me as a possible clue that might help you change some of the patterns with friends you're not so happy with:

I'd hope the sexual encounter would be followed up by activities that we both find enjoyable and bonding, by talking or cuddling or simply spending time with eachother (I don't know if that is weird, but I actually consider that a very important part of an ideal sexual scenario). I wouldn't care if this person was a male or a female. I actually believe I identify myself as a bisexual (yet another thing my parents would absolutely never aprove of: I've talked to them about it before).

I wonder if you could try thinking about friendships this way? Sometimes, we'll assume that to get all the rest of that stuff, we need to start with sex, or only have experiences that reflect that mindset. But we don't actually have to, and we probably just need to a) find ways to bond with people that aren't sex, and then have that initial big thing to bounce off of, or b) even when we start with sex, remember that our sexual relationships can actually become the kinds of friendships we want, not just romantic relationships, long-term sexual relationships, or no continuing relationship at all.

See what I'm on about?

[kuraimuin]

I'm from Colombia, (Medellín) and I do go to college, altho I've exhausted the free resources they offer. I might be able to get affordable therapy there, I'll look into it.

You're right Heather, maybe I believe that this level of closeness has to be asociated with a romantic relationship, and when it's not, then it's inapropiate.
I tought sex was some sort of contract, something that it's supposed to change the way you see your relationship with someone, partially because of my familie's beliefs about sex. Thinking that, maybe, a sexual encounter could be a normal conclussion of a close friendship, or it could end up being one, makes me feel better.
Finding ways to bond with people without need for sex is something that I definitely should do. I will try and use my hobbies to that end.

I think this boundaries I described are things that I need in order for me to feel good, but I often neglect them, or ignore them, to ensure I'm not rejected and that I'll feel sexual closeness with someone. That's what I'm most afraid of. I've proven to myself that I can step over them and ignore them, maybe because they weren't very clear to me, or because I tought I'd finally be sexually free and less anxious if I did it. It's not the case, obviously.

Now that I'm much clearer about what I want in a sexual relationship, it might be easier to be assertive about sex in the future. Of course I have to work on my feelings of lonelyness first.

Self-care is something that I want to learn how to do, but it seems like I'm always doing the exact opposite. I tend to spend my days alone doing the exact same thing over and over, I spend a lot of time on my computer and hardly give myself a chance to do something else. And I don't really do anything productive that I enjoy (Drawing or writing or anything), even when I have all the tools and all the time, because I feel tired, like I don't have enough energy to do anything.

I'll try something tomorrow. As my pregnancy scare is not gone, even with me getting a period (I have weird abdominal pain and my stomach feels bloated, I'm urinating more frequently, and my period it seems a little off, it was a little less abundant than usual, and the lack of clots was very distressing), I'll take a pregnancy test. It's something that I HATE I have to do, because I'm just rationalizing my very irrational fear, and giving a "what-if" where there shouldn't be any. And I know it makes no sense and it will put me through an enormous deal of stress during the entire process, but It seems it can't be helped.
After that, I'll try and do some things listed on the self-care article. I might need to do even more unpleasant stuff tomorrow, but after that I might take a walk around the college campus and go window-shopping for art supplies, buying myself something nice and overall spending a a day with myself, coming back home and spending time with my mother.

If any of the activities I do tomorrow work for reducing my stress and anxiety, I'll try and repeat them often.

Thank you all for the useful information, for the support, and everything

[Ashleah]

Since you are still having those fears, taking a pregnancy test is your next best step.

I'm having a hard time finding resources in Colombia, but I will check in with other volunteers to see if they can point you in the right direction. In the meantime it is a good idea to check in with your university and see if the cost is manageable or possibly covered by student insurance if you have it. They might also be able to give you a referral to community organizations. Another option for getting a referral is checking in with your doctor.

I like your idea about involving your friends in your hobbies as this can also be a form of self care. Maybe you can invite someone along tomorrow?
Self care can be hard to do, so I'm glad you have a plan to start soon. Initially, you might have to continue to be more intentional. This might mean scheduling time that you will not be on the computer and is devoted to activities you enjoy. It's also not something to put on the back burner until a fear is over since self care is a tool to help manage that anxiety.

I want to share a couple of links with you regarding boundaries and intimacy. The first is for slowing down a sexual relationship and establishing those boundaries. Even if you don't currently have a partner, it's helpful to explore before hand to help be firm in the things that you know you need to feel comfortable. The second article talks about intimacy in depth and might help you start to figure out what that might look like outside of sex.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... g_too_fast
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... and_sonots

It might also give you some ideas about exploring intimacy in your friendships. After you get a chance to read the articles check back in and let me know what you think. particularly about exploring intimacy in friendships.

[kuraimuin]

Today, first thing in the morning, I went to a mall on my city, bought a home pregnancy test and took it with the first urine of the day. As I was on a public bathroom stall, it was uncomfortable, but I managed to get the sample, and put the ammount of drops indicated in the test. I didn't have a watch on me, so I just waited until the control line appeared, which was very dark and red, and no other line appeared. Which means negative.
And, still, I'm not feeling any better at all. What if I didn't wait for long enough for a reading to appear? What if it was too early to test?
At this point I'm feeling very very mad at myself. I have the two big signs that someone is not pregnant. A period (Yes it was lighter than normal, but it lasted around five days), and a negative pregnancy test and STILL my mind won't let me rest.

The self-care day was an absolute fiasco. I got the negative on the test and yet the tought of me doing it wrong was constantly bugging me. When I was doing college business it was all I could think of, and when I finished my work, then I didn't have energy or motivation for window-shopping or doing anything other than going home. When I got home, and even when I turned off my devices to prevent me from doing this, I ended up turning my phone on and going through a lot of Scarleteen's resources again, including the pregnancy panic companion.

It is very clear to me that I was moving way too fast, I can't even dare to talk to my parents about this, it felt rushed and it left me obviously anxious, and this pregnancy scare is just getting worse and worse since. It is more than obvious that this sexual encounter should NOT have happened, and I've noted it, and I'm sure it won't happen again as soon as I keep my boundaries clear... and yet that doesn't ease my mind either!

Is there another underliying problem that I have to resolve? What do I do? I'm losing my mind right now.

[Sam W]

Hi Kuraimuin,

I'm sorry you had such a stressful day. And yes, I think the odds are good that something else is up. I'm going to give you this article, and you can see if anything in it strikes a chord with you:
You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are?