feeling like having a sexuality makes me gross

[AvocadoLime]

Before my first relationship I had never had any experience with hand holding, kissing, anything physically intimate. I felt good about my sexuality though. I masturbated and was under the impression that it was a good thing that I knew my own body and what felt good and that when/if I had a partner this would all be seen as positive. When I did get into a relationship and it came up that I masturbated my then parter said I was disgusting, gross, a sex addict, etc. They ended up raping me multiple times and doing a lot of other things that I guess would count as sexual abuse. It's been a few years since I broke up with them and since then the only 'sexual' experiences I've had have been a person who I went on three dates with who kept coming at me and kissing me, or trying to, and never asked. It was awful and terrifying. The other 'experience' was sexual harassment that turned into attempted sexual assault by a stranger. I've recently met somebody I am totally intrigued by and asked them if they wanted to have lunch with me. It was over text and I asked a couple of friends if my text was creepy or pushy and then when I read what I had asked my friends realized that I'm terrified that this person will think I'm gross/creepy etc for thinking they're really beautiful and sort of wanting to touch them (not now, but if that time comes and they are totally into it etc). Intellectually I get that thinking somebody intriguing and beautiful isn't creepy or gross, and neither is asking them to lunch, but how do I get myself to understand that emotionally? Are there any books or anything?

[Sam W]

Hi Avocadolime,

Ooof, that is a lot of stuff for you to have had to deal with. I feel you on the understanding something intellectually while having a hard time getting yourself to believe it in your gut. And I think a big chunk of where this is coming from is a good impulse on your part to not do to someone else what was done to you. It's just that some part of you has overcorrected.

If you're in counseling or therapy at all, it might be good to bring up your feelings around this and talk with your therapist about ways to start getting yourself to believe emotionally. It can also help to do some reading about dealing with intrusive thoughts (since those might be what's happening here). And, it can also help to flip the situation into reverse. What I mean by that is, when you start worrying if something is creepy or bad, imagine if someone did or said that thing to you, in the way that you said it. Would you (or a friend that was standing next to you) find it creepy, or pretty normal? That trick won't always work, but it can sometimes help ground you.